A
male
age
41-50,
*ost_in_a_fog
writes:I caught my wife of 13 years sexting an old "friend" from her old neighborhood. I accidently received a pm from a social site (she used the site to sign into a music app on my phone and didn't sign off) and it contained explicit details of her desires for him and what he wanted her to do to him. I had found a closed account to a dating site,which she denied but later confessed to having for a short while. We have 4 kids together and I thought we were happy. My question is: should I be worried of her trying to rekindle it with thisbgiy, since she has had feelings for him since childhood? She sent me text stating she missed me but at the same time sexting him; should I make it work for the kids or leave her high and dry? Help I'm lost in the fog
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): I wish you luck with the counselling. Keep an open mind but set yourself a time limit for real change. 6, 12 months 2 years...whatever feels right because if it can't work you need to have a general idea about when you draw the line. Trust is difficult to repair but it can happen if you both want it. Remember we're always here for advice.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): Wow. It took her 20 minutes to think up the story about how this is all a big fantasy. I'm surprised.
If this was your good friend asking this question, what would you advise him?
When you married her, is this what you signed up for? Are you going to play the policeman so that she doesn't choke on some other guy's dick?
Dump her like the garbage that she is. Now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): Lost in a Fog:Please listen to my advice.I can advise you from a place of experience.Your wife is sorry she got caught. She is not sorry for hooking up with another man she has feelings for and is sexually attracted to. She began the courtship process with him and when you caught her she was hot and heavy into the pursuit phase. She was fully engaged in an emotional affair soon to turn physical.Why didn't it escalate to a full blown sexual affair? Because you stopped her dead in her tracks. If you did not come across these messages, there is no doubt in my mind she would have been having sex with another man. Behind your back. She turned her back on you and your children by sexting another man. Make no mistake. She was already cheating.I think this time you by fluke managed to stomp on the fire before it got out of control. And believe me, it was a stroke of luck that you actually got these messages and were able to nip it in the bud. Most affairs progress well beyond this point and are well underway before discovery. You can argue it would have been much worse to discover later. But I think what she did is just as bad. She cheated. And it does not matter if it lasted years or was just about to become physical.. because the intention was there. It was planned, deliberate and pre-meditated. She made that choice and was in the middle of following through with it. Until she got caught and like any cheater, tried to rationalize her actions, down play them, minimize them to lessen the impact of the damage done. If she did not have the screen shot sent to her, she would have denied the whole thing till her dying day.Try counselling if you wish. But just know that's going to be a long and hard road. No matter what you do, you are going to find it difficult if impossible to ever trust her again. Every time she texts someone you are going to wonder who she is texting. Is it this guy again? Or someone else? And you will be suspicious of everything she does and the worry and anxiety it causes you will be difficult to carry on your shoulders. And even if she tried her best to reassure you, you could not find it in your heart to believe her. The issue of broken trust will slowly eat away at your relationship, ultimately causing its demise.Also keep your eyes wide open. She may agree to counselling to keep your marriage together. After all, she does care about you and her kids. But please be aware that after the dust settles and things settle into normalcy again, she may, in fact contact this man and pick up where they left off. Only this time she will be much better at hiding it and keeping it a secret from you.And if it isn't this man, do you want to put yourself in a position of a sitting duck? Waiting for the next guy to come along where she might succeed in making the relationship sexual?She has shown her colours. Where her tendancies lie. She will likely seek out this form of excitement again. Classic really of many married people. Long term marriages get ho hum after settling into a comfort zone, especially after kids. She wants the best of both worlds. A faithful, reliable husband who is more like her friend now and a man who thrills her sexually. You are too familiar to her and have lost your lustre by virtue of being a husband. I know. Not fair. But it's the truth.I don't think she will change and I do see her trying to repeat her behaviour. She is always going to be on the look out for her next exciting fix.You are not it for her.Just thought you need to know these harsh realities before you proceed. And to let you know you are always going to need to keep your eyes open.The best to you and your family.
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A
male
reader, Lost_in_a_fog +, writes (15 January 2016):
Lost_in_a_fog is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Everyone For the Great advise. After I got the alert, I was able to watch their conversation in real time. Once I saw how she felt for him "I can't think straight when I'm around you", "I tell you how much I want you, all the time. Now tell me" I immediately sent her a text stating I knew she either had sex with "the other guy" or wanted too. I named him and she sent a "why would I say that? F*ck you!". Then I sent her a screenshot of how he wanted her to suck his penis. She was silent for about 20 minutes and called me at work and wanted me to come home so we could talk. We talked in our bathroom for awhile; she explained "him" and how she has had a "thing" for him for years but they NEVER had sex and she said they never where going to: she just needed the fantasy for her mundane life as a wife and mom. She said it was just a fantasy and no different then my porn collection or masterbating to anyone but her. I told her it is completely different because I don't have an emotional connection to those woman and would never meet them: while she is telling ANOTHER man that she has feelings for, for years, her sexual desires.She said she started talking to him and then it just "went" to sexting. How does it just go from "how's your day?" To "can't want to lick your tip"?. She explained the site as well. She said she signed up after she quit talking to the other guy and she quit because "she realized, she only wanted me" and after she quit the site, then they started texting. I think she quit the site because she realized she only wanted him and pursued it. She says it's done, but nothing she has done leads me to beleive her.We both decided for counseling and she suggested couples and individuals counseling because she has "issues" she needs to fix for us to succeed. Still lost in the fog but...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): You have 4 kids. I'd say if (and it is an if) she hasn't had sex elsewhere you have a chance to work this through. If she has then trust is gone. Though of course it may still have gone and who would blame you. She is on the hunt. The dating site is very proactive on her part. I would suggest you need to give her an ultimatum. Then hire a private detective. Keep your evidence so far you may need it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 Boy did I get this the wrong way around. Sorry. However most of what I said earlier applies. Your wife was looking for a bit of excitement but she has to now decide on her family or the high road.
You really need to decide whether to give her another chance if she promises to give up this nonsense. You might not feel it's worth it. There is no doubt there will be difficult times ahead.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (14 January 2016):
 Some cheaters are sorry that they got caught cheating while others are sorry that they've done it. If I had to pick which your wife is, I would pick the first one, because she denied her dating account and would have continued sexting the guy had you not found out by accident. She may, of course, change her mind and become genuinely sorry, but I think that is up to you to judge for sure.
Second, most females cheat because they may feel neglect, so before you jump into a decision whether to divorce or not, evaluate whether that is the case. See if she felt neglected by you in some way such that she craved affection and found in the old flame. If there was neglect, and genuine sorry, there maybe room for forgiveness.
Finally, whether to forgive or not is your choice, and whichever you decide is a correct action for you only. Your woman had an emotional affair and had it continued it could very well have turned into a physical affair. Some people never get over the emotional affair let alone physical, whereas some can pass through the emotional affairs. Examine your self, and see what you can handle.
Besides consulting a lawyer to see your legal options, also see a marriage counselor to get a deeper perspective on these matters. It will hurt a lot for quite some time, there will be anger and regret, but ultimately a resolution will be gotten.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (14 January 2016):
It's summit time for you and your husband. You need to draw a line. and he needs to agree never to cross it again. It should be a one-time offer. He's worth a second chance. He's strayed but you hold the cards.
He now has to live by the rules if he wants to keep his family. He needs to realise he has been an idiot. He needs to see what he's going to lose if even the hint of infidelity crops up again. For your information the wife usually wins.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (14 January 2016):
 "help I'm in the fog"
she sent you a text stating she missed you to ease her conscience while she was sexting the other guy.
" my question is should i be worried of her trying to rekindle it with this guy?" yes you should be worried at this point if she is sexting another guy, she is presenting herself intimate pictures of herself to him that should be reserved for you only. that is quite a step above texting notes only.
get her phone records form your cell phone carrier and see how far back this goes, and any other phone numbers that might be in question to you. save all the photos she sent to you by accident.
you will need to confront her, you have the photos as prof if she denies it, then show the text afterward.
you will have to make a decision to stay or go. the kids are caught in the middle no matter what. she is either true to you or someone you can't trust. no middle ground there either.
if you want her to stay , i would say marriage council , her to agree to break it of with the other guy with no contact. you go talk it out with the other guy telling him no contact with your wife. and keep a check on her future phone records.
but the decision will be up to you to stay or leave her. the thing is will you be able to trust her in the future? when trust is broke its hard to get back, and it will not be the same as before, it will take time.
you care about her , you care about your kids or you would not be on here asking for help. good luck and i hope this helps.
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