A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello when i met my boyfriend five months ago, we both agreed to have fun and see how it goes. i felt though that in the beginning he was unwilling to commit. he is extremely kind to me very thoughtful and very helpful. he never however told me he loved me. i didnt mind cos he treated me exceptionally well, however strangely enough i sensed that he resented me in a way, he always held back on complimenting me and in very subtle ways always pointed out the negative rather than the positive things in me. i am a very confident person as it is and i always challenged him.about a month ago i really honestly pushed him away i wasnt in love with him and i just didnt see a future with him. i told him we need to spend some time apart. he begged for us to keep on keeping on, i said ok but it wasnt the same. amazingly however it was as though a veil had been taking off my eyes, out of the blue i wanted him more than ever. that very week for the first time he told me how much he loved me so much... the things he said were very strange to me cos he always stopped short of telling me these things. anyway that weekend i called him and lo and behold a lady picked up. to cut a long story short he told me it was his girlfriend who lives in the states, shes visiting and he's very sorry for not letting me know, that he loves me he wants us to be together and once this girlfriend leaves that will be the end of their relationship. he said she'll leave in six weeks time, i told him if you love me let her go 'cos as far as i'm concerned its unacceptable, on the other hand we could take a break whilst he sorts himself out then we start dating. he begged me apologised, professed his love to me and told me to be patient and just wait till her time is up. it was hard for me because strangely i started having this intense feelings for him that i did not have before. although he told me he didnt want her there and didnt love her, i wasnt at peace, he said hes told her about me and has asked her to leave but she's being difficult. so i thought i will play a trick on him, i told him i'm going there to confront the lady. his response was amazing-he said i dont want you to go there or do anything for me dont do anything to damage our relationship stay off my property. must say i wasnt surprised, but extremely dissapointed. told him i know his true feelings now, we should just end it, once again he told me he needed time to sort things out that he loved me, that i'm making everything very difficult. i've moved on i think. he still calls me everyday although now hes not able to talk about love he calls to say hello etc. all he said was he hopes nothing has changed that he needs time. i know better but i cant help feeling slightly confused at times as to his true feelings please help what do you think.
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male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (29 September 2007):
Tell him he has two days to dump the other gf. If not, you will dump him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): I think 5 months is not really all that long of a time to be dating and become serious in your relationship.
I think you sensed his holding back his feelings and now you know why, he had unfinished business with a long distance love.....and he sounds to me like he is trying to finish it with her....Long distance relationships rarely work if they remain long distance.
I think you should not have threatened to confront her, and I can understand him freaking out over this, this made you look crazy......your relationship is with him and anything to do with her should be worked out through him, not her.
You have to decide if you can accept the fact that he hid her from you, I would see this as a bit of a red flag...he should have been more honest with you....and the fact that she came to stay with him for six weeks, seems to me like he wanted to be with her and is not telling you the whole truth....he is confused more than likely as to who he wants to be with, you or her, he probably has history with her, where you are new, but you are more in his life than her because of distance.
If you care about him, then I would stay away from him and let him do the pursuing, I would stop having sex with him and give him time to sort out his own mind...and in the meantime, I would date other men and let him know that you are getting on with your life, but would consider seeing him on a casual basis until he makes up his mind about what he wants from you or for the two of you.
I would not push for a committment, he hasn't asked you to be exclusive, has he? He has not been exclusive with you, so you need to keep your options open and date other men...this will also help with the "intensity" of your emotions, which nay have more to do with feeling rejected then actual love on your part...you need to clear your own head too. Ask yourself if this guy is good enough for you, and are you getting what YOU need and want from the relationship....if the answer is a resounding, NO, then maybe it is time to cut all contact and move on with your life....only you can decide.
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