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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm 30 years old and very confused. There is a woman I have been dating for six months now. We have a lot of fun and many things in common. We take interest in each other's hobbies and have many of the elements of a good relationship. With the exception of a few minor bumps in the road, we have a good relationship :) My problem is that I don't know if I want to be in a relationship or get married someday. I like her...maybe even love her but am having trouble with being in a relationship because I am a person who is independent and doesn't like to be confined. Many times the thought of dating or spending the rest of my life with one person does not seem appealing. Sometimes when I am in a relationship I feel trapped because there is so much sacrifice. For example, on one hand, I really love seeing her but on the other hand I would many times rather be alone at night after work instead of having her over or hanging out with her. Another example: If I am at home on the couch watching TV she might call and ask to go out. Even though I would enjoy seeing her, I just don't want to move off the couch.Another thing that bothers me is that even though things are great now, I am afraid that they will chnage for the worse in the future. Many people say that once you get married, things go down the tubes. She has known that I have felt this way for some time now but last night I brought the subject up again and we decided to take a week off so I could do some thinking about how I feel and about what I want for myself. We are not on bad terms...in fact we hugged and kissed before she left my apartment last night. She said I could call her if I wanted to talk during the week. My question is: How will I know if I should stay with her or leave? Do any of you readers think that the week off will do us any good? I can't seem to decide which I value more: freedom and independence OR loving and being loved back. HELP!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Actually, I know where you're coming from because I also cherish my independence. I'm not a life-long single (I was married for close to 20 years, and am just newly divorced). I think my marriage lasted so long because my hubbie was also a bit of a loner, enjoyed his independence, and so we complimented each other. However, we both changed and grew apart, and so decided to split (we're still friends).
What may help you is reading some very good online blogs written by dedicated singles (google "single edition", "onely", "Bella DePaulo" and you'll get a whack of them). Don't feel pressured to be in a committed relationship if you're not feeling it. When (or if) the time comes to commit, you'll run towards it with open arms.
Regarding the fear of being alone: most people will experience aloneness at some point in their lives (most likely when they're older), regardless of whether they get married or not. Being able to embrace your aloneness is a blessing, since there are so many people out there who fear it. And you're on the right track by letting your girlfriend know that there's nothing she's doing wrong, that it's just the way you are. Good luck!
A
female
reader, christina elizabeh  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Well think of it this way. Do you want to spend your life all alone by yourself being so called "independent"? Or do you want to be with someone who loves you and you love them back and have a good relationship. My friend Love is so much better then your independence could ever be. You don't know what you got until it's gone. I am telling you don't let her go. Just because you get married does not mean you can't have your independence. You both have to compromise and work things out. Take this week to think about what you value more. Love or freedom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): How do you know , you wont wake up one day and know your not going to feel love again?
Life is far too short to be acting like that, i mean, hypathetically you could die tomorro in some freak accident, and youve never experienced love and a partnership.
And this Bull**** about your freedom? Most happy people in tight committed relationships, even married couples, still do their own thing, and still have their freedom to do as they please, because theyre with the right person.
Dont shut yourself off or it'l make you bitter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): unfortunately you are going to be one of those old over the hill losers who at 60 finally realize that Pam Anderson is not going to fall at their feet. Love the one you're with.. Its that simple. What's this I value my freedom crap? Freedom to do what exactly? You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you are in a relationship its not about you, its about US. You are only 30 so yu still have another 10years to grow up. After that, your youth will no longer be reason enough to get a girl. You will need to be wealthy or famous to attract someone and still it will be for things other than your personality. Good luck with your future... Dating profiles are filled with "single/never had kids and I am 60" profiles that all the girls giggle at.
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A
female
reader, Shan25 +, writes (5 December 2009):
if you want to be with her then be with her. alot of marriages do change people but most of them its for the best. only you can predict how your relationship will workout but you seem like the type that as soon as the feeling start rapidly growing you need a excuse to leave. she sounds good for you because giving you space is not what alot of woman understand
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): I'm guessing you have just never found the right woman and that's why you can't see yourself being with the same
woman every night. I also suspect you have a fear of commitment; ah the perpetual bachelor, always in search of the next best thing. If you settle for this one or that one, you may find something better down the road and damn, then you'll have to go through the headache of getting dvorced. I think it's called the Donald Trump sydrome. So you'd probably be better off to postpone any kind of marriage until you're about 75 years old and no longer have anything to prove. If you're lucky you'll still be able to find someone decent enough to be willing to dress every day and remind you to put in your teeth. So just relax. If this chick doesn't work out, there will always be another and another and another.
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A
female
reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 I think you're freaking out unnecessarily, especially given the fact that you've only been seeing each other for 6 months. Why are you even thinking about marriage at this point? People have lost the ability to date long-term and really get to know and love someone before they rush to the alter, hence the reason there's so many divorces. We've become conditioned to thinking if we've been with someone for 3 months, we need to get married or move in or something really permanent. If she's not pushing you for this kind of commitment then quit over analyzing it and just enjoy her company and take it s-l-o-w. If she calls you some night when you're on the couch tell her your in "veg" mode, she can either go out with friends, or join you in a pair of sweats, house slippers and veg with you! Being with someone doesn't always have to involve the production of dinner and a show. It's about spending time together. My b/f and I frequently hang out at home on the couch with him surfing the web and me playing video games. Couple who work well long term learn how to be together without having to always "entertain" each other. Just be in the moment with her for awhile and don't put unnecessary pressures on yourself. You'll know when it's time and you feel like that person is the one. Until then just enjoy your time together.
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