A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a married woman - have a 4 year old. Marriage isn't going great guns at all - husband hasn't touched me in years together and I haven't touched anyone except this colleague of mine I am gonna talk about in just a bit.. There's a colleague of mine, younger to me by 5 years and single- we got started with just talking as colleagues - went out for drinks one day - and ended up kissing..after that we did sleep together manytimes..but many times he felt he shouldn't be doing it and wanted to stay off. But he always used to come back. His leaving always left me very hurt. We couldn't really avoid each other as we worked at the same place..and I didn't want to avoid him..but he was unsure as to what he wanted to do. And then some problem came up with his job and he had to leave. Even after he left - I helped him a lot with everything. From cooking for him to making him feel better to job search--being there for him round the clock as he wanted.He got a job and left the place and after he left, he said he just can't continue this and now is the best time to do it. I was shattered and wanted him back into my life desperately. I missed him a lot but he just stopped talking to me and got super rude with me. But yet he said - I genuinely care for you and that's why i need to do this. He said he cannot invest in a relationship which has no future and that just friendship is not working.Now, he's back with our company again. He moved back to this company (as our company agreed to do his visa) - I am in the same mess again. He told me he doesn't wanna have anything to do with me - but keeps giving me mixed signals - with the way he looks at me or talks to me..a li'l confusing..he went on vacation to India and he came back on my bday and he made sure he called me and wished me..if he didn't want to have anything to do with me - why wish??I still like him as much..it was his bday recently and i wished him and asked if he'd like to grab lunch?he said he just came in to work - so he wanted to have coffee in the evening instead..I said, fine let me know..He didn't call - so i called and asked if we are on for coffee - he said i am stuck with my boss - how about dinner at some place...doesn't call at dinner time and sends a message saying - I am sorry I am with a friend at a movie - (a guy who i know), why don't you come over to my place tomorrow before you go to work..I said why meet at home - let's mee at some place for lunch..he said he has calls and needs to be in front of his laptop.. I wanted to meet him at his place but i didn't want it to cost our friendship. But i dressed up as decently as i can, didn't want to suggest anything and went to his place..so we work for sometime sitting in separate rooms, then lunch and then he says, do u wanna watch a movie in my HT?I said ok - and he plays the movie and comes and sits very close to me and has his hand around me but not on me -- it was on the couch...I was very close to this guy in the past..and it just triggered some emotions in me and i turned around hugged him and kissed him on his neck. He had his hand on me all the time i did that. I continued to hug him and watch the movie. He said nothing.Later i said i should leave and gave him another hug and he didn't quite hug me until i asked.Later - he came online and said - this is it - i am done with all this. I just called you home with a friendly intention and you just couldn't stick to it.He said, we'll not talk or interact or have nothing to do with each other anymore. I just can't be with you or do anything with you. I want you to let me be and just walk away from my life and never again return. He was very - very rude.He just said please don't talk to me ever again and logged out. I didn't have a choice.We still work at the same place -- and i am feeling miserable inside - whenever i run into him - i am feeling even worse.Have i been completely at fault? I sent him an email saying i didn't suggest meeting at his place and that i don't think i am completely at fault. He said, he's just disappointed with the situation, himself and that he wants to stay off although he doesn't think cheap of me. And he apologized to me for being rude.I dunno why i want him in my life - but i do. He makes me feel very good. Everything is good with him.Is he confused? Does he like me or does he not like me? Will he come back again to me like he did in the past? Should I go to him if he comes back? Am i confused?? He can't see me sad - so tries to smile at me - say something...but i am super confused with all that..Does he hate me, like me -what does he want? Is it all just physical for him or me??Please suggest something before I go completely crazy.
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cheap, kissing, married woman, my boss Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear q1605, It's perhaps a blessing in disguise that he did nothing..Perhaps I am too good for him to digest!! :) But yeah, I think I have explained to myself and understood that I am not made for flings. I got emotional with the whole thing and that's precisely what the guy didn't want - NO EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE. I ended up having more felings - for me it was not just physical I think.It was the feeling of being wanted and the attention factor which was lacking in my life.
But yeah, what you said is a reason too - to let him go. :)
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (17 August 2010):
 My dear, we are all searching for the same thing in live and in our hopes to find true love we are sometimes willing to "look the other way" even when we know in our hearts it isn't right.
Keep your heart open and listen to your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone!! I really appreciate the time and valuable advice from all of you. I agree with all of you and believe that I should let go of my colleague if i do care for him genuinely. And I do care a lot for him. Perhaps more than just care..Whether I work it out with my husband or not, I will let my colleague go.
I've always been looking for someone who genuinely loved me or accepted me the way I am and I thought it would be this guy for some reason...I was wrong.
Thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): the advices given here are very helpful for you. my situation is similar to yours. And it's true you are the married woman here, you're the one who got issues. you have too look into yourself and determine what you really want in your life. regardless of your choice, you need to leave this man alone if you truly care for him. being involved with a married woman like you brought so much emotions for him, understand what he's going through. if you choose to divorce your unappreciative husband, come back to him and then you would get the real answer to your questions. as for me, i did my ex-lover a favor and myself too when i quit my job (cuz we're colleagues too)after deciding that i want to save my marriage. i care for the guy, i didn't want to string him along. Dearkelja is right. Single guys only want either of the two from a married woman: Sex w/o strings or Real relationship that has a future by divorcing your husband. My ex want me to do the latter, unfortunately he's not a better replacement for my husband so I cut him loose.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 August 2010):
Some food for thought. Try to look at things from his perspective instead of yours. You are wondering if he likes you and if he's thinking you are cheap. I honestly do not think he is thinking anything at all about you when he says he doesn't want to see you anymore. We people (as we should) put ourselves and our feelings first when we get into an emotional bind. I believe he does care for you, he is hurting, he is confused and maybe he feels cheap for being with a married woman. He has his bouts of rudeness because of his feelings about himself and because he is frustrated with the situation because he has no control or power in the relationship. You do.
If you get a divorce your going to need some time to sort through a bunch of emotional stress and if you include him in part of that, it will drive a wedge in your relationship. This is a journey you need to go through by yourself and until you come out at the other end, you can't have someone else along for that ride. Then fast forward to the new relationship the two of you will have. I imagine that your daughter hasn't met him nor that the two of you ever do anything as a family unit. All of that will change the dynamics of your relationship. He is now only seeing and being included in part of your life. The relationship isn't out in the open either and I can tell you from experience that it hurts not to share something good with the world.
I get how you are feeling because I survived a 22 year marriage pretty much as yours is. I was abandoned and left pretty much alone to raise my daughter. Yes, he was good to her but in the end my self esteem was sinking because I felt unloved and not beautiful. It doesn't take much attention from anyone to raise your awareness and make your life seem empty. In my marriage I flirted with that attention and had many thoughts of infidelity (maybe that is infidelity in and of itself). In the end, I left so that I could feel good about myself because every night when the empty vessel (my ex) slept next to me and didn't touch me it was a constant reminder of the loneliness I felt.
It's been three years and I've had some amazing (and some not so) relationships but I'm just now feeling like I might be ready for a committed relationship. The attention you are getting from this man is a "fix" that you desperately need to survive your marriage. I get that you're staying for your daughter but you are doing her no favors by showing her this is an acceptable relationship. I guarantee our kids learn from us and be mindful of the lesson you are teaching her.
Today my daughter said to me about her friend's parents relationship. "they are so in love, that's the kind of marriage I want, not the kind you and dad had." but if I hadn't left my situation and made the statement (by my actions) that this was NOT OK, she wouldn't be in that place.
My advice to you is...
save your marriage if it can turn around
leave your marriage if it can not
take some time for you and figure what you want
find someone to share your life with
If you leave your marriage keep in mind that you will need to be there for your daughter. Even at 15 my daughter needed me.
Take care and all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Cerberus/Raphael - Thank you very much for your answer. Infidelity is when one partner cheats on the other in a committed relationship.... The fact that I am not speaking about my husband is because - I don't see him anywhere being part of my life..He doesn't spend anytime with me at all. Hez turned to a crazy workaholic.I've been married for over a decade now. There's nothing that we do together. But he's not a bad guy - I know that much, May be I don't deserve him. He's just not interested in me is what I feel. But he loves our daughter.She'z what's binding us. My daughter is my number one priority too. I'd give up anyone for her. But end of the day, If I am not at peace with myself, how can i ever give her happiness? I don't even know if i want to get married to this colleague of mine or let him go. Forget me wanting anything - I don't even know if i'll ever be able to bring up this topic with him. I don't exactly understand what he wants. I am confused as i said in the beginning and I am here for advice from people like you. I appreciate the unbiased response and I am not looking for sympathy here and I am not hurt by what you said. I need someone who can look at the situation as third party and give me some valuable input, like you did. I will definitely think through all this before i decide in any direction.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 August 2010):
 I'm judging this purely by the way you stated your situation. Your talked about this colleague of yours and only once stated anything about your marriage or your 4 year old child. Not even a simple statement of how things are at home with your husband and child. Does this colleague of yours mean more to you than your child and husband?I want you to picture your family. You, your child, your husband, then I want you to remember the happiest moment of your life with that family. Now I want you to remove your husband from that image and replace it with that colleague of yours. Now make a choice with all variables and possibilities accounted for, do you want to end the marriage you have now and 'take a leap of faith' for that colleague of yours or are you willing to try and fix your own marriage? How would your child feel about that? Have you made any effort at all in rekindling things between you and your husband? Because it sounds like your mind has already been made up.You seem to be in love with this man and that seems to be a natural thing with infidelity, you'll always feel that way towards a man you aren't married to. You get that same kind of 'high' but then think, if you are with that colleague, if you met someone else, are you absolutely sure you wouldn't feel this way about him? Perhaps you should listen to what your colleague is saying and consider the possibility that he is right and your relationship with him really isn't going to go anywhere. I'm sorry if this answer hurts you but I am merely telling you what I think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, I really appreciate you all reading it up and responding. I am very thankful. Your feedback has defitely provided confidence n courage.
I just wanted to add something.
I am not kidding but my husband doesn't touch me at all. And I've gradually begun to feel that he doesn't even care for me. And when this colleague of mine entered my life, i was soo lonely and i readily welcomed him and he seem'd a very genuine person. And he showered so many feelings on me - but he always said things like - this has no future - we should not invest. Let's stop here. But for me, if he said he loves and wants to take this forward, I am willing to give it a thought to see if i can share my life with him. But he's always swinging. His confusion beats me. He gets super rude which affects my self-respect. But, i guess the fact that no one else pays me as much attention as this guy did in the past - makes it all dark for me.
Before I got married, i've always been very pampered, won beauty contests, felt beautiful..was always surrounded by people. Ever since my husband stopped looking at me or saying a word or two even when i dress up my best or when i do things for him, totally disappoints me and makes me feel NO ONE CARES FOR ME FOR WHAT I AM. And that's why i thought this guy does care for me.
This is what I have to say:
1) I want to let this colleague of mine go - pehraps he's already gone. But knowing his confused state of mind, if he comes back - should i accept him?? I want him to like me. I want him to pay attention to me. I don't care much about the physical relationship as much I do about the emotional part. Do you think he's not meant for me?
2) I am not AT ALL denying i am at fault. I am. But I don't have a brighter side to my life to get away from this guy and forget him. And he's hurt me so much that it hit my self-respect pretty bad - so if i go to him now, i'll hate myself for the rest of my life. So, how do i move on from him?
3) I like him so much that i can't think of hurting him like he did. Because he hurt me so much, do you all think that he doesn't like me at all?
4) Does he think cheap of me because me being married, i went ahead and slept with him?? I don't want him to think cheap of me. I told him all about my marriage.
Thanks in advance for your response.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 August 2010):
Well, what I am going to suggest you will not like. The issue is that you are married and a man only wants two things from a married woman. 1) Sex without strings or 2) the woman to divorce her husband and make an honest man of him.
You think you are confused, what about him? You've put him in this situation where he likes you, wants to be with you but in his heart he can't. Not all guys are cads wanting to mess around indefinatly with a woman they can not have a future with. Some men want a future with a woman they care about. Sounds like that is what he wanted with you but he could not have it. So he tries to have a friendship but you want a physical relationship with him-admit it-the physical relationship is what makes you feel good.
I think the issue is with you. If you want him, you can not have your husband and with the way you treated this man in the past, having a future with him may not be an option now.
What I suggest to you is that you leave him alone and focus on either making your marriage better or ending it and them figuring out what you want from there. You have a long time before you can involve someone else with your life.
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A
female
reader, aunty laurla  +, writes (14 August 2010):
I was stuck in the same position, although it was the other way round for me... he was seeing someone and I was the single one. Although the way he has treated you is the exact way my ex lover treated me. Your colleague does care about you but the complications of ur relationship with him is confusing. You need to remember that you have a family and he knows that he isn't part of that. I'm not suggesting you leave your husband but instead realise what you have in front you. Make things in the bed room more interesting between use, Spice up the relationship.
The only reason you are attracted to this man at work is because he has shown you some attention, this is the area your husband is neglecting you in. So of course you are going to feel great when someone takes an interest. Just don't let the lust and love get mixed up.
As for working with this fella, if you really want that bit of excitement back in your life, you have to make him think that u don't care that he is there... Make sure every day at work you are looking your best, don't try to flirt with him or show him that u want him, ignore him. Make conversation with other colleagues preferably men and make sure he is looking, laugh and smile all the time. If this doesn't drive him mad then he is a lost cause, and you will have to forget about him.
I hope everything works out for you :)
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A
female
reader, Mature Lady  +, writes (14 August 2010):
Of course you are going to be attracted to a man who show's you a bit of loving especially when you have not had any from your husband for such a long time,and no I do not think you are all to blame,this other man does not have to meet up with you if he does not want to,nor does he have to be so rude,he is using you,I feel you and your husband should take some counselling and see if you can get you marriage back on line,after all you do have a child together and for that fact it is worth a try.But avoid the other man. Good Luck
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