A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts! I have a "relationship" question about my Condo Manager. Sorry it's so long. I hope since this isn't a romance-related question you will still be able to offer some advice because it is really bothering me...Basically, I live in a small condo of 12 units with my fiancee. She has lived here 13 years and I moved in a few years ago. Almost everyone except us is retirement age, and everyone except our condo manager is nice. He is a very bitter, cranky old man who is very rude and accusatory whenever he talks to anyone in the units. He's always "telling" (not asking) the younger people to do stupid things, like "don't throw your flower clippings on your lawn", "don't park your car outside your unit to unload groceries..it blocks traffic" (it doesn't) and crap like that. At a condo meeting I witnessed him throwing a cordless phone at his wife because she answered a call during the meeting, it was for him, and they hung up before he could answer...so he yelled at her in front of everyone and tossed the phone at her. That struck a chord with me because he is Pennsylvania Dutch (like my parents), and I know from firsthand experience in my family many of them are wife beaters and very controlling toward women.A few weeks ago, I witnessed him using the "condo hose" to wash out his carport...not the other 3...just his. A few days later, he was watering his garden with it, while everyone else has to use a watering can and their inside water. This is a separate hose and water valve that the condo fees pay for and is only to be used for condo use...not personal use. The carport use was part of the condo, but it bothered me he only did his. However, I just overlooked it.Yesterday was the kicker. I was going to go on a nice bike ride with my girlfriend, as we often do, and we walked over to our carport to get our bikes out of the shed. Not seeing me in the shed, he comes over to my girlfriend and tells her very sternly "Tell your boyfriend not to ride his bike so fast through the condo area. He rides out of here 50 miles an hour". She was like "OK". I whizzed out and said "Are you freaking serious?". Then I tried to explain that I coast out of the development and couldn't possibly ride faster than 8 or 10 mph, and that I will ride my bike how I please. He went on and on about how I thought he was blind, that I'm a troublemaker and crap. Finally, after more mudslinging, to shut him up, I just said "Fine, fine...I'll ride slower", to which he said "you better". I was like, "and what are your going to do about it?...Call the police on me then". He made some stupid comment about if I wanted to race to go to the Tour de France, and I just said "you just need something to complain about", called him a bitter old man (which I kind of regret, but I was fumed), and rolled away with my girlfriend.I know this is typical neighbor fueding, but I really think this guy needs a lesson in common respect. I have always respected him, been fair...even offered my handyman services to the elderly people in the units and shoveled their walks all winter. I've given him no reason to be such a dick. And I really don't appreciate him "telling", as opposed to asking people in the condo to do things...especially my fiancee.He is overstepping his bounds as condo manager and is becoming a bully and I won't stand for it or for someone telling me how I should live every nuance of my life. Is there anything else I can do if this escalates?
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 your follow up wasn't available for me to see when i typed my answer. if the others hate him and the people at the top are on board with you then that changes things completely. go by the book and drive him out of power. thats where all his rage directed at you is coming from. just hold your tongue for now and dont give him any fuel to fight you with. his time is up and he's done for. haha.
best of luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Thanks boon. No, I wouldn't get involved in the domestic issue...I was merely pointing out what a belligerent asshole he is, especally toward women. I think why I flipped is he stood there and scolded my girl, telling her to tell me off. I was simultaneously pissed that he talked to her like that, and that he has no balls to talk to me himself. Frankly, I think he peed his pants when I walked around the car and let him have a snoot full of his own hooch.It is not my nature to fight or argue. But I've been around assholes like this enough to know that this is all they know, and if you want to get through thick skull, sometimes the words have to be loud enough to penetrate. If you want to get through to a horse, you gotta talk horse. You can't talk sheep.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (28 June 2011):
he's a bossy arsehole, and here is how i deal with people like that. when they tell me to do something i say, yes, okay and agree with whatever they suggest but do what i want anyway.
ignore him and his behaviour. if he tells you off just dont even absorb it. dont go out of your way to do him favours. keep away from him and avoid contact.
remember that he is just a man. a horrid old man who's past his prime and he knows it.
also other peoples domestic situations are not good to get involved in. i would never get involved in a couple's fighting. it can go wrong for you in so many ways. no benefits will come your way from interfering. wind your neck in a little even if your concern is good natured.
if you cannot take this situation you can always move out to somewhere new. its not like you are forced to stay there. its your life and you make the choices. dont let anyone grind you down.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): OP here.
I completely agree with taking the high road and being more tactful or a better tactician at getting what I want. But casting a blind eye to bullying and mild threats ("you'd better...") is not the right thing to do. His powers do not lie outside the Condo rulebook, and yet he is making rules of his own all the time. I know others in the units think he is an ass, and I will file complaints in accordance with the rules and regulations if it escalates. Tyrants should not be rewarded with inaction.
And BTW, I do build bridges with all the other executive board members, and they even unofficially voted me in as condo manager at the last meeting, in part because thi sguy is on his way out.
But thanks...you have made me think of alternatives to be more effective.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Your fiancee has tactfully negotiated this minefield for 13 years.
Yes the Condo Manager is probably a Big Toad in his little power puddle. But are you making it worse for your fiancee?
Some older people are fiesty, but many hate trouble and would rather negotiate around a difficult individual, than confront that person.
The Condo Manager would also be in a
position to label you as the trouble maker to the owner/s of the Condo. It's not smart to get off-side with him, even if he is a nasty bully/control freak. He could make things more difficult. And then how would your fiancee feel if she felt if her tenancy was affected?
I hate bullies too. But there are often tactful more roundabout ways to achieve the result you think is just, without directly alienating the person with the power to make things difficult.
You has chosen to live beside all these people, you are a more recent arrival. Yet already you are burning bridges.
The Condo Manager may even be finding the work more tiring, and be feeling that he's getting closer to retirement, and so has a more cavalier attitude to the rules.
He may even be threatened that you can effortlessly fix/do things that he is supposed to do, but is feeling too tired to do.
The nicest thing you could do (grit your teeth, please)is try to bury the hatchet. Befriend the guy. It can't be good to have no one liking him.
You are rarely into trouble for what you DO NOT say. You can into trouble for what you DO say. Try to keep a handle on your emotions.
I realise it will (inside) raise your ire, but put on a pleasant face. Say good moring to him, smile. Keep him on side. He will not be there forever. You are younger. Put the outraged persona on hold.
You haven't helped keep this calm, by your confrontational angry words. Try to moderate your language so that tempers on both sides are not encouraged to react and to flare up.
The tone is important too, the way you speak and react. Wearing your indignant angry face will only make things worse.
This situation could escalate to flashpoint. And you don't need the aggro.
Unless all the residents are all prepared to vote for his replacement, and unless the owner agrees, it's unlikely to happen.
Sadly you cannot do much about his domestic violence except call the Police if the noise or a commotion destroys the quiet. Though you better be very very sure, so that he does not sue you for defamation. If you can find a locally produced brochure on domestic violence, with contact phone numbers and resources to help, then get 12 and put one in every mail box, including his. But say Nothing, or it will come back to bite you.
For the sake of your fiancee try to be the peaceful one in all this. Not the agitator.
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