A
male
age
51-59,
*esperate4help
writes:5 1/2 years ago, I met a woman. At the time I was married for 10 years, with two children. I thought I had a happy marriage, but since then, I'm not sure.My new relationship started off harmless, she was married too. As time went on, things became more involved. I quickly discoved, she was "the one". I never felt like that before, but now I know what that feels like. I have tried to stop it twice before, but I cannot.. Now we are at the point where she is putting her life on hold for me, and I think I'm too scared to do anything about it. It's not a physical relationship any more, because we decided it was just wrong, (although I know it's all wrong). I never planned for this to happen, I was never looking for other women, but she just came into my life, and although, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, I cannot stop thinking about her. I just don't know what to do any more. I know I rambled here so if I have to answer any questions to get help, I'd be happy to.
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male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (15 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCarrot, thank you. If you don't do this for a living, you may want to consider it.You REALLY give a good outsiders opinion and advice.I did make a promise to my wife, that I would not leave her and run right to the other. I don't need another reason to disrespect her, I've done enough of that already.
I have children and wonder if my unhappiness is showing to them.And I wonder if me continuing this marriage for the sake of what's "good" for everyone, and not me being happy, is doing them more harm than good.
There are so many questions, and when I ask people I know, they just tell me to stop the feelings I have, how do you force yourself to stop loving someone?
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (13 March 2010):
 The right medication won't leave you numb, but will stabilize your mood enough for you to be able to really get something out of your counseling. More importantly, you'll be able make a decision about your marriage with a clear mind, not a depressed one.
As far as being married too soon, my sister got married at 21 and twenty years later she feels she's made a mistake, so you're not alone. She has been tempted by a number of men during her marriage, but never acted on it to my knowledge; I doubt she would ever leave her husband for other another man. Her attraction to other men has definitely exposed the problems in the marriage and brought her feelings about all that she missed out on by marrying early to the surface. Like a lot of young people, she had no idea how much she would change between the ages of 21 and 41; she never gave herself a chance to grow up and figure out who "Miss Me" was before becoming Mrs. Somebody Else. The difference between you and my sister is that you are getting counseling to help you figure things out, whereas she has just resigned herself to the way things are and is putting no effort into improving--or ending--her marriage.
That said, your counselor is probably right and you really have a lot to think about.
If you do decide to end your marriage, don't do it to be with another woman, do it for yourself. Truthfully, you may not even end up with her when all is said and done; you've spent most of your adult life in a relationship and I can't imagine wanting to jump back into something serious since that will just put you right back where you started! You will need time to figure out what you want the rest of your life to look like--maybe you want to date since you never really had a chance to do it, or maybe you want to travel or go back to school-- and you'll be learning how to be a single dad and working to make things as pleasant as possible for your kids. There really may not be much space in your life for her, even though you don't see it that way right now. I only mention this because although you are not in contact with her, she needs to know even if you do become single you may still be unavailable to her and that she should not put her life on hold waiting for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): It's been a little over a month, this time..I was talking to my therapist and he suggested that it is possible that we got married too soon. Even though we dated for 8 years, he said it may be possible that we got married, because it was the next step, not because we were actually ready to get married.He also suggested that, we never really had the feeling that we were "the one " for each other.He said we may have thought it, but thought it without knowing what that really felt like.Do you think there is any validity to that? She was only 16 and I was 18 when we started dating.
Also do you think that anti-depressants only mask the problem, instead of getting to the root of it??
Thank you again for your insight Carrot.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (12 March 2010):
The feelings WILL go away with time. You haven't said how long it's been since you ended your contact with this woman, and forgetting someone is not going to happen overnight. You might want to ask your counselor about antidepressants to help deal with your sadness and help you move past your obsessional thinking. Again, don't assume that because you think of her all the time that she is "the one".
If you are sincerely trying to repair your marriage, try to re-focus your thoughts whenever the other woman pops into your head. It's difficult, but not impossible. You gave your mistress 5.5 years of love, attention, and affection that rightfully belonged to your wife and kids; please do whatever you can to stop hanging on to this relationship that shouldn't have happened in the first place and give yourself completely to your family.
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (12 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf it was lust, I'd be sleeping with her now.I have cut all ties with her, but my feelings for her have not gone away.YOU, are not the one who has made me go back and critically look at my life. I HAVE been doing that.It's part of the reason I am here.My wife and I are in counseling, so we can get help with my problem.My objective is to try and find out why these feelings won't go away, not to go back and forth with some man-hater.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 March 2010):
 When your life is clouded by a fog , it is difficult to see where you are going.
I would suggest that you go back to God and seek His help to guide you through this fog in your life.
May God grant you His grace and strength to lead you to the correct path.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Dear Desperate, firstly soooorrrrrrry about my spelling mistakes. Instead of focusing on my spelling look critically at your life. I think that is more important than a few minor typos. Then you say you are currently not having sex with your mistress, the woman you crave, the woman you lust over, the woman you want to destroy your wife and kids lives over- you may not be f*cking her now BUT you have had sex with her while you were married,didn't you? Yes I know I got you all hot with my "old ladys" rant but hey, made you look critically at your life didn't it. You are very selfish indeed by not releasing your wife so that she has an opportunity to start her life again, you see your wife sounds decent and loyal- men love women who have qualities such as that. Yu know that she can and will move on but you selfishly steal her life. I don't have to judge you my dear, YOU should judge yourself.are you prode of the mess you have made. You think you are not the type to have affairs so what happened did your affair just find you? Look CRITICALLY at what you have become. Not a pretty picture!
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (11 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGenius.First of all, spell correctly. Second, I didn't come on here for a bashing from some bitter old woman. Third, I AM NOT having a sexual relationship with her. So, get your facts right before you try and bash me.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 March 2010):
Just because you can't get this woman out of your mind is not a sign that you are supposed to be with her or that she is the one--or even that you would be happier if you were with her. You miss her, as you would miss anyone who was a part of your life for 5.5 years, and now they are not. You're grieving. It won't last forever.
You can not expect your wife to understand that you miss your MISTRESS. Of course she wants you to get over it; do you really expect her to feel sympathetic because it hurts you to think about the woman you betrayed her with? Step outside of your pain for a moment and look at your behavior from her perspective. You are lucky that she is committed to your marriage and wants to work things out with you, but you are asking entirely too much of her to be understanding of you right now.
If you left your wife, you'd be thinking about her and your kids all the time; you'd be just as miserable as you are now.
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (10 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I'm on the verge of a breakdown, because I'm NOT in a miserable marriage.If I was, this would be easy. I've discussed this all with my wife, and although, she acts understanding, I don't think she is..I have tried many times to stop, but I cannot stop thinking about her. Even to this very moment I have stopped all communication with her, but I cannot get her out of my mind. I truely miss her, and it hurts.. I'm just a very sad person right now.
But I thank you for your help.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 March 2010):
Are you on the verge of a breakdown because you are in a miserable marriage? I ask this because nothing in your post suggests that your marriage is insufferable, it's just not what you want it to be. Could this be because you have spent nearly half of it involved with another woman? Perhaps the love, time and attention you gave your outside relationship would have been better spent working to improve your family life.
Before you make ANY decision, ask yourself if you’ve done everything in your power to make your marriage work. If so, you can leave with a clean conscience and can look your kids in the eyes and truthfully tell them that you did all you could to keep the marriage together. You owe them that. If not, you know you need to end your other relationship and focus on making things right at home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): Stop driving yourself, your wife, your kids and your mistress insane with your indecision. You already know what you want to do, you're just not man enough to deal with the fallout from your decisions. You don't want to take responsibility for your own happiness--or unhappiness; instead you're trying to be the good guy and make everyone happy. You stopped being a "good guy" when you got involved in a relationship outside of your marriage. You added an unnecessary complication to your life but you don't have enough balls to step up and put an end to all of this madness. Someone will be hurt and it will be your fault that you hurt them; there is no way around this fact.You have two choices and either could be a mistake, but you have to choose. Sh!t or get off the pot.If you want to be with this other woman, be with her. End your marriage and make peace with this decision. Make up your mind that you will be happy in this relationship and do not spend the rest of your life wondering "what if". Understand that there will be consequences that you will have to live with because of this decision. Understand that it will take years to resolve everything (including your feelings of guilt and any issues your children may develop). Don't expect smooth sailing for some time. If you want to stay in the marriage, do so. End the relationship with this woman completely and put all of your mental and emotional energy into your family. Make up your mind that you will be happy with this choice and do not spend the rest of your life wondering "what if". Understand that there will be consequences that you will have to live with because of this decision. Understand that it will take years to resolve everything (including your feelings for the other woman and rebuilding trust). Don't expect smooth sailing for some time.
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (10 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd one more thing, my wife really doesn't seem too concerned about my happiness, just that the family is together. Should I not even think about that?
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (10 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlitz, You are really adding valuable insight, and I thank you for that..I think you are right about my choice, I just feel really bad because my wife just keeps saying get past those feelings, it's been 5 years, and they havent gone away..I think it's more unfair to my wife, that I have these feelings, but she believes I can get over them.
I know my kids won't suffer, because I won't EVER let that happen, and the "other" knows about how I feel about my kids, and is TOTALLY accepting of that..
I guess I just don't know where to go from here.
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (6 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionProblem is, she's divorced now(4 years ago), she was headed there anyway.And, and this point, I'm going to disappoint and hurt somebody I love, no matter what.
It is my heart talking though, isn't it?? I say that, because I'm not having a physical relationship with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): I understand exactly how you feel... The biggest problem with extramarital affairs is someone is definately going to get hurt. You have kids, and a wife she has a husband. Everyone may say it is wrong but the heart wants what the heart wants. Just be prepared to disappoint and hurt people you love. Is it worth it?
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A
male
reader, desperate4help +, writes (5 March 2010):
desperate4help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you..I value the well being of my kids so much, and of course I worry about my wife's feelings.She knows everything and wants to work it out, so it's not like it's a secret.I've been trying all week to put this "other woman" out of my mind, but it seems impossible.I've stayed with her for certain lengths of time, and even though I couldnt relax, due to my infidelity, she just felt like the other half of my soul.
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