A
female
age
41-50,
*rsjo
writes:ok, I have read some of the same posts but would like to also share my dilemma and could use advice and support.My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, lived together for 4.5 months. 3 months ago,I rolled over in bed and caught him viewing porn and masturbating. I threw a huge fit and was so disapointed. I am 36, in my prime, very sexual, not perfect body but a size 6, 130 pounds and very willing to have sex as much as we can. I have caught him locking me out of my own room to jack off to porn a second time...now he waits till I leave the house. I have confronted him about it and he always turns it around on me. These are a few excuses he uses:1. it helps me not stray2. that I am the one with the problem3. that every guy does it4. that I've been depressed(cuz of the porn) so I am not attractive when depressed so he goes to pornOn the other hand, he says his drive isn't what it use to be but he can deny me and go to the computer every time I leave the house. I use to feel sexy about myself and I don't anymore. I cry a lot more than I use to. I hate to leave or take a shower and I have a hard time going to sleep with him on the computer wondering weather or not he is viewing porn. Yesterday I told him we should take a break from living together and find out what we really want. He doesn't want that but didn't say he would stop watching porn. I said that it effects our relationship, and that if he takes care of himself that he doesn't come to me for his needs.I have tried viewing porn and "getting off" on it myself and i feel like I am cheating. I have suggested we watch it together but he won't. He says he doesn't want to encourage me to share his bad habit. It is a bad cycle, he watches porn cuz i am depressed and not confident about my body anymore but I feel that way cuz he watches porn. I am tired of the excuses, I am tired of not feeling like I am enough for him.Is it silly to want to be enough for your man? Is it a fairytale that there are men out there that can be happy with us, and not view porn? He also says he looks at chics all the time and thinks "boy, I'd like to bang that". Now I watch him when we are out and he eyes pretty girls all the time. I am disgusted. I keep picturing him standing at his monitor looking at porn jacking off and I want to puke. I have actually thrown up. I am not as easily turned on by him anymore....I just wonder if it is time for me to leave. I have stopped reading the twilight books, cuz he feels they have demonic and bad things in them. I stopped wearing makeup cuz he says I look better without it. I am willing to sacrifice so much just to make him happy but the one thing that hurts me, he isn't willing to do without. He always has excuses....ALWAYS!!!Other than the porn, he is an awesome guy. I am on the fence and have a few weeks to decide if I need to get my own place. I told him I would even be ok with him viewing porn once a week or so if my needs were met but they aren't and if he can get up for the porn, why can't he try to get it up for me.....ughhhhhhHelp me please!!!
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Hey I am perfectly fine with my guy watching porn. And sometimes I even watch porn, but when he does, it's when I can't be around to help him sexually. Otherwise, we are totally into each other. He has never put me down as far as physically, and never blamed me for having to watch porn. He just does it when there's no other 'outlet'. He doesn't need porn. He said himself that if it ever made me too uncomfortable, he would just not use it while he masturbated. That's a caring partner.
What your boyfriend is doing is making excuses and blaming you for his behavior. He is replacing you sexually with the internet. That's not very healthy. And when he does it, he's disrespectful. Just because a guy watches porn doesn't mean he automatically replaces his partner with porn. The "most" guys he's talking about are guys who watch porn when they aren't able to have sex with their partners, they aren't like him who have replaced their partners entirely. I am ok with porn, and I even use it. So does my boyfriend. We never ever replace each other for it though, and we are always in the mood for each other. Porn should just be a gap filler (if it's desired at all).
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Mrsjo, several of us aunts who have answered either watch porn or don't mind when our partner's do. That's the thing about your question, pro-porn or anti-porn we all feel that he is behaving unfairly and is being disrespectful to you.
Because of his attitude the normal advice I give about how to tolerate it, or how to try to get your man to cut down just won't work here.
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A
female
reader, mrsjo +, writes (7 March 2010):
mrsjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am surprised at the response. I figured I would get advice for both sides. We have had it out a few times and I told him that if he can't take care of my needs to tell me and I will leave. I am now starting "the love dare" book, 40 days of working on ME...I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to better this situation. I have reacted way strongly therefore giving reason to blame me.
Thank you all and I would love to hear the other side if possible of woman that are ok with their men using porn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): I would usually defend masturbating and porn, but if he's neglecting you, sexually, and yet continuing to pleasure himself, you need to tell him to grow up or get out. If you're with a partner, sex should not come second to masturbation. If he's not fulfilling your sexual needs, he needs to realize that he's already living by himself, sexually, and that the rest of him will soon be moving out.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2010):
Sorry babes, but if he said this...
"He did blame also that he doesn't feel the same sexual chemistry as he did with his exes and that they did it like rabbits."
Then there is no relationship to save....
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 Why Some Men Prefer Masturbation to Sex with Women.
Some men masturbate even after they are married. When they want some fast sexual relief , they just do it.
In masturbation, men can escape into their fantasies. They do not have to worry that their woman will criticise them. He does not have to be performance oriented. He can stop or start at his whims.
She's not able to say, honey, do it this way, or
honey do it that way. She can't suggest that they do something
differently.
It's the easy, guaranteed, uncomplicated way to get
pleasure.
For more,
reference;-
http://www.collectivewizdom.com/MenWhoPreferMasturbation
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 March 2010):
If you are not happy in your relationship , why stay ? You have given your best but something which is very important to you is not there.
You will have to decide if it is worth staying without your needs being met .Or you could give him more time to turn around.
Give him a time frame and if nothing changes, then you can decide to leave . You won't feel guilty or regret that way.
Maybe a temporary separation could be the short term answer to your problem.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (6 March 2010):
True it is somewhat common for men to watch porn and look at attractive women, but what he is doing to you is not normal and it's not healthy for your relationship. I think it's best that you leave this guy. I mean you say you're crying a lot and dreading the thought of him alone on the computer. Those are obvious signs that this isn't a happy relationship. You guys have been together for only SIX MONTHS. Imagine how much worse this issue is going to become later down the road! This is a great time to get out while there isn't too much to lose.
He isn't taking your feelings into consideration and he isn't willing to accommodate you in this rather nasty habit, so he obviously isn't thinking of you at all! The woman he's supposed to love is naturally supposed to be more important than a 2-D representation of sex. Any healthy male would see this, but he obviously isn't healthy. The fact that he turns around and makes you feel bad for what he's doing is border line mental abuse, and frankly, you deserve much better than him.
I know it's hard to break ties with someone you supposedly love, but I'm telling you, this man doesn't act like he's returning the favor as far as love is concerned. Stop investing further time into him and get out. Find someone who can obviously see that a caring relationship is quite a bit more valuable than internet fantasies. You'll be happy, and I guarantee you won't be crying to yourself, nor will you be dreading the computer and what it could potentially offer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): In such a short space of time it seems you have changed greatly. No man has the power to stop you reading what you love or wearing the make up you choose, whether he likes it or not. You need to be who you want to be in life and enjoy living.
If you get out of this unhealthy, unbalanced relationship this early on you will be better for it. Can you imagine how you could feel in a year if its only been 6 months so far?
You seem to be an intelligent, strong and good person who doesn't deserve his crap. There are plenty of men who have no urge for porn and would rather spend time with their real life woman, than watching such tacky filth.
I hope you have enough strength to walk away, don't let him back in and if you waiver, come back and read this post to remind yourself of how he made you feel.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2010):
Sorry, correction.. it's his solo masturbation which makes him useless as lover that bothers you most, and leaves you feeling rejected and sad. Of course he must stop if he can't satisfy you, a real life beautiful woman.. As you said your in your prime, you need a real man to satisfy those needs.. You've not been with him long, please walk away and stop wasting any more time..
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A
female
reader, mrsjo +, writes (6 March 2010):
mrsjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked more today and I pretty much told him that we either try to work on things and make the other person happy or we don't but I won't stick around if my needs aren't met and I do mean it. It is funny though, one of my male friends said I am making a big deal about nothing and to give him his space.I guess I feel like I am being taken for granted, I have so much to offer. I would like to get kinky with him too but he isn't willing. I even asked if he would take sexy pics of me and he said he has already done that with exes and over it.I believe he really loves me....is there a chance this could get better? Do I not give him a chance after seriously talking to him? Am I just being stupid? I am not so insecure that I think I can't make it alone, I just know we are so good together in so many areas.I am tired of wondering if he is wacking off in the bathroom, well not wondering, knowing that he does when I am left in need. He blames stress too for a lack of libido but then why can he masturbate but not have sex with me? I am confused....maybe I just don't understand men and their needs? He did blame also that he doesn't feel the same sexual chemistry as he did with his exes and that they did it like rabbits....that makes me feel even worst....but then why make a life with me, he has two girls, I have three kids as well. If he didn't really want this to work, why would he combine our families like this? Could he just need time?.....looks like now he just clears his history so I am not sure when or how often he is doing it!!(Mod note: Two posts combined into one)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2010):
Yes babes, your requests are very reasonable and you are not being demanding on unfair. You have approached this problem in several ways which would allow him and you to get over this problem. You tried porn yourself, didn't like it, but at least you were brave enough to see what held his attention. You have suggested you watch it together, (even though you don't like it) so at least you don't feel rejected and ignored. You even said that if he could cut down to once a week, that you could try to accomodate this hobby of his..
All very good compromises, much more on your side than on his. And what do you get in return, you get nothing, nada, zilch...
Your not banning it from his life, your asking him to be more considerate of your feelings, and make sure he takes care of your needs..
Your guy is selfish, very selfish, and yes, although many men like pornography, most of them would be more than happy with some of the things you have suggested.
He's not fully grown yet, he's acting like a little boy who dosen't know how to keep a woman sexually satisfied.
Please leave, leave him alone with his porn and his fantasy. Maybe when your gone he'll wake up and realise that fantasy models can't love you back, and are a poor substitute for a real life woman.
Some men watch porn, some men hate it, a lot of men are totally disinterested but will look quickly if it's in their face. Please leave this little boy and please don't think that every person who enjoys pornography and erotica behaves in such a selfish way.
I'm truly sorry that he has treated you with such disrespect. And please in your next relationship, don't give so much of yourself and sacrifice the things that please you for someone who is selfish and dosen't know how to give back.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 March 2010):
Sorry dear but you need to ditch him. Most men watch porn but most of them continue to have normal healthy sex lives. But in your situation he has become addicted to it and replaced you with the porn. Many men do not want to watch it with you because you are not part of the fantasy. You are literally the reality they want to escape from. Lose the wanker.
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