A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiSo i'm getting pretty desperate for someone to talk to about my relationship problems, and i've put off asking for help so many times because there's so much that needs including in the explanation that you would end up reading an essay.So instead I thought i'd post just after an argument, where my memory of it is still fresh and I can get some ideas based on just the one issue.So my boyfriend of a year and a half was talking to me about getting engaged and we have done a few times, but he knows I want to wait a bit because I think he's still a bit young as I am 3 years older and he can be quite immature for his age (21). I said to him as long as he doesnt propose for at least another year so we are both ready, and he got the hump accusing me of controlling everything and that he doesnt have a say in anything. My response was like its not up to him whether im ready or not, and he was like 'oh so im supposed to just wait around then' and when i ask him what that means he just says nothing. He then gets upset and says he'll just throw away everything he has planned, and i'm just so frustrated because I don't see how it's fair to throw that in my face just for saying i'm not ready. I feel like he's so insecure that he's trying to 'lock me In' with a ring to ensure I don't go anywhere. And he'll use his insecurity against me by saying things like 'is it because you're holding out for better is that why?'This goes on for over an hour in the middle of the night and he doesn't let me go to sleep as for some reason he turns everything into a massive drama in the middle of the night and doesn't let me sleep. It's worse on weeknights when I have work as he becomes so selfish that he will do anything in his power to keep me awake.Like he'll sit on his phone because he knows I can't sleep with the light, or he'll pull the covers tight. I'm getting so sick and tired of this kind of behaviour and he's impossible to reason with no matter how I communicate with him. What am I supposed to do in this situation? He's so lovely most of the time but when he gets sensitive and frustrated he becomes a totally different person.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 So you live together?
My advice, unless your parents life far from your work, spend a week-end with them. Get some rest and some DRAMA free time. Or I'd go sleep on the couch.
He does sound a bit insecure, manipulative and... immature. I mean it's GREAT that he wants a future with you, but having no respect for you not being 100% ready is NOT good.
What I would do next time he asks about engagement is ask him, "WHAT is the hurry? what if I tell you NO when you propose because I'm NOT ready?"
Because honestly, THAT is what I would do if someone pushed me, I'd say no. Not a maybe or something vague. IF YOU are not ready, YOU are not ready.
18 months is not always enough time for someone to be SURE that they want to marry the person they are with, and you know what? THAT is OK. Because even a ring is NO guarantee that you two will marry.
A relationship is 50/50 (actually 100/100) but the INPUT to make it work, to make it better is NOT just what HE wants and what HE thinks.
He gets "sensitive" (or as I would call it... throwing a tantrum) when he doesn't get his way. And that is not going to work long term for you two if he keep that up. He really NEED to learn that he isn't going to get his way all the time. THAT you are an individual and it's OK if you have your own opinion on things. I mean HOW is he going to function in the work place if he can't compromise and adapt? However, I don't think it's YOUR job to teach him this. But you DO need to find a way to put your foot down when he acts like a spoiled 5 year old.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 You can't say yes just based on the fact that he's lovely. A husband needs so much more than being lovely. Still, being denied a proposal is very hurtful. If a woman just says yes to avoid drama, then there would be many divorce cases few years later. Then just divorce he might say, but if you want to get married again people are less likely to trust you. You lose your credibility by making a lifelong decision and then just pull out conveniently. It hurts your future prospect when you do want to make a serious decision.
For the man, it is his responsibility to know when to propose, and for the right reasons. If he's hurt then it's partially his fault by proposing on the whim, and not making sure that everything like stability and finances are in place.
You are waiting for better. In a sense you are. You are waiting for him to grow up. It's a common advice to people that you should not be with a guy because of his potential. While you are still dating you can afford to wait. At 24 you surely are not in a hurry. You don't, however marry someone with potential. He should already have the qualities you desire.
He's using drama to get you to comply. Don't heed to that drama and get him to move out. Say you are not breaking up, you are not dating others. You just need space for now.
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