A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if I'm being stupid or not with this but I would like help and advice as these sort of things go over and over in my mind. My boyfriends best friend moved to Australia a couple of months ago and he messaged my boyfriend the other day letting him know how he's doing. The thing that's been bothering me is the fact he sent my boyfriend a picture of his girlfriend over then to then which my boyfriends reply was "f**k me mate she's fit" I don't know if it is me being stupid but it really upset me. She's a pretty girl, however I look nothing like her so if he must find her attractive. I've had troubles in the past with my boyfriend and other girls, however those are sorted now but I just keep thinking to myself. There is prettier, slimmer, funnier and more clever girls out there I don't know why he's with me. After my boyfriend shown me the messages it really made me think and I'm not a confident person at all, this has just lowered it even more. Am I being too jealous? Should I speak to my boyfriend about it?I'd like some advice please as this is making me sad.
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female
reader, lions go rawr  +, writes (19 March 2015):
The fact that he showed you these messages suggests that it wasn't intended to mean anything, and was merely a friendly gesture between him and his friend. Unless your boyfriend has specifically said he has a thing for 'fit' girls, then you shouldn't worry about it. I know plenty of guys who have had similar reactions, but it was more of a freaked out 'she's fit enough she could probably win at arm wrestling with me!' type of deal, or even a jab at their friend for having a girlfriend who looks stronger than them. The real issue is the way you see yourself. Part of it you need to work on. You need to start seeing the beauty you possess, even if it's starting out small. Pick out one feature you love about yourself; maybe it's your eyes, or your waist, or your hair. Compliment yourself on it, and take pride in it. Then slowly find other parts of yourself to love. It would not hurt to tell your boyfriend how unconfident you feel, and ask him to tell you what he loves about you, both physically and emotionally. If you have him tell you this every once in a while, he'll surely have no objections, and it will do you a world of good.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): The fact that he picked you over other girls means that you have qualities that others don't. Over time you may find out what those are. Meanwhile, men are visual creatures so if I guy compliments woman's looks it does not mean that you are toast. All humans are able to recognize beauty so just think when you see a hot guy and compare how you feel vs what you do. Same for him, it was a comment to a bro that his girl is hot not that he will dump you. So relax.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): It sounds like: "Well done, mate, you've done well for yourself!",a tap-on-the-back sort of thing.To me it's far more relevant that you've had issues (related to this in the past). What issues exactly? Even if you think they're resolved now, some left-over bits and pieces made you react that way,so you need to look deeper into it and get rid of the final debris.Furthermore, it sounds to me like you have an imposter syndrome?Have you heard f it?Most people get it for work-related stuff (i.e. thinking they don't deserve the position, pay or whatever it is that they've got, because they don't feel "good enough" for it).You seem to have it relationship-wise. It's an inferiority complex essentially, a little voice at the back of head constantly whispering you're not good enough, even if everything else points to the contrary!You need to resolve this otherwise you'll take it onto your other relationships (it might ruin this one if you're not careful).ps: Why did he show you those msgs specifically? I don't get that part.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2015):
 Being in a relationship doesnt make you blind. Finding other people attractive is not a threath to the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): I am a male.
I find attractive women attractive.
There are much more attractive women than my partner.
A relationship is much more than that though, and your partner probably knows this.
If he is like most men, he would much prefer his relationship with you, rather than cave in to his sexual impulses. In which case you have nothing to worry about. You should try and learn to be comfortable with the fact that he will find other women attractive...in they same way that you find other men attractive.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2015):
 You need to chill darling.
He said she's fit. BFD.
does he like beef? yes.... good
does he like chicken? yes? that's different than beef
but if he likes both that doesn't mean he likes one more than the other does it?
I am chubby now. I was not 4 yrs ago when I met my husband. and he will say things about other women in regards to their weight. they may even be smaller than I am (and younger and prettier) but HE LOVES ME THE WAY I AM.
what are you jealous of? that he looks at other women? or that the finds them attractive.
even if he never says anything trust me he's a man and he notices OTHER women. does not mean he does not want you the most.
if you have such low self-esteem that you think men only want girls that are better than you I suggest you work with a counselor to work on feeling positive about yourself.
positive self-esteem and self-worth fix a lot of insecurity issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): Confidence and how you feel about yourself can't be given to you by your boyfriend. When you see a handsome guy, do you instantly go blind, and the guy suddenly becomes invisible? A cute guy is still a cute guy in your eyes; even if you have a boyfriend.
Your BF can't destroy the part of your brain that appreciates beauty or attractiveness in other people. Nor can you do that to him. You cannot control what he sees, what he says, or how he behaves. Anything you don't like about him, it is your choice to dump him.
Such behavior is very immature. Your concern that he flirts and actively messes around with girls is one thing. You have a right to be upset about that. Being jealous that he complimented a friend's girlfriend directly to his friend, not the girl; is your issue to deal with. Would it make sense for your boyfriend to be angry, if his friend paid you a compliment? He was just being nice to his friend. If he didn't say anything nice, it would hurt his friend's feelings. He was not making any comparison, you did that! If he said she looks better than you, then that would be entirely different.
We live in a world with millions of people who look better than you and me. We have to build our own confidence and feel comfortable with ourselves. Waiting to get that from other people will drive you crazy. If you walk around envying other women for their fit bodies, you can eradicate such feelings by getting fit yourself. Even better, entirely accepting them for who they are; and enjoy being you!
A lot of bad behavior we have nowadays is quickly dismissed and excused; because people have the notion life is unfair to them. They embrace insecurities and refuse to work on them. Feeling other people should be forced to accept or tiptoe around them. Everybody on earth has some sort of insecurity. We can't let them rule our lives. Vanity is a disease! It's running rampant, and highly contagious. For every pretty girl, there is one prettier. For every handsome guy, there is another much more handsome.
Giving in to jealousy brought on by insecurity is a conscious choice for some, and a sickness for others. Those who are ill should seek professional-help. Those who just don't like themselves, need to change or improve what they don't like about themselves. Best course action, is just learn to live with it; if it cannot be changed.
Self-imposed misery about your looks is clearly a problem you might need to work-on. Your boyfriend doesn't have to constantly reassure you that you are the prettiest girl he will ever see. He isn't the best-looking guy you've ever known, or ever will. You have many qualities that he likes enough to want you to be his girlfriend. Giving up the others.
We are born who we are, and if someone doesn't appreciate that, we don't make them a part of our lives.
No one on this planet can make you like who you are and how you look. If you want boyfriends, you'll need to grow-up and correct yourself. The fortunate thing is, it is
entirely up to you to adjust and enhance your self-esteem. Anyone who doesn't like you for how you're built, or your weight; you can kick them to the curb, and find somebody else. It doesn't make any sense having a boyfriend; if you're constantly feeling jealous and insecure all the time. Now does it? You can't program him like an android to direct all his human responses to you and you alone. You've still got eyes and senses yourself.
Would life be better if everyone gouged their eyes out?
Don't go comparing yourself to every female he sees. If he compliments other women too much. Don't complain and torture yourself. Dump him!
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