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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am married with two children but in love with my bestfriend who is a girlMy husband is not aware that i am bisexual...but he suspects...and knows that my best friend is weird..but he is the most understanding and loving man..i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with himProblem is that ...the feelings for my best friend wont go away ...they have been their for 16 years now...i have surpressed them as much as i ca.My best friend is aware and partially reciprocates ...but is a bit hesitant to identify as a lesbian..Losing her friendship is imaginable...and on many times my futile attempts to end it..has made me depressedShould i try to make both relationships work..Dont judge me harshrly...because in the ideal world you would say that i let one go ..i am selfish bra bra ...but in ordinary life...my suggestion is not far from what happens ...Just to add.....coming out for both of us is out of question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 February 2017):
 Can you be honest with your husband and tell him you are bisexual? I mean he suspects so is it not for the best just to be honest with him? If you love him you can both work through this.
If you want your marriage to work then you need to keep your hands to yourself, cheating is cheating no matter who it is with. Therefore if you cannot bare to be without your friend but you want to remain with your husband then the friendship with your female friend needs to be purely platonic.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (5 February 2017):
Go ahead and have an affair with your friend. Your husband will probably never find out and even if he does the two kids will keep him tied to you.
Or you could be an adult and sit down with this man you claim you love and discuss Your bisexuality openly and honestly with him. Explain your feelings for your friend at the same time assuring him that you love him and would never do anything to hurt him or your family. This may be difficult but I think it would be better than being a liar and a cheat?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 February 2017):
 What you are actually asking is whether it is OK for you to come out to your husband only and see if he will approve of you to have a love affair with your girlfriend but at the sane time not dump you. So basically, you want a polyamorous marriage.
Yes, there are people who have such marriage arrangements but what is unknown about them is the actual level of happiness in those arrangements and length of time they endure. These are not standard roles so people don't just fit right in them but rather waste a lot of time establishing rules of engagement. Statistically, monogamy gives the best odds of having a stable marriage and happiness in it.
Anyway, what seems troubling to you is not knowing how your husband will react if you are to approach him about this arrangement. And frankly that is something that nobody knows. Odds are that he will not take it lightly hence your fears that you may lose him.
I really don't wish to scold you, but if you understood that you have a temptation for girls I would assume you'd establish precautions not to fall for one. Everyone who aspires to monogamy sets these, heterosexual or not.
And that brings us to the question of what do you aspire to: monogamy or non-monogamy? Where do you see yourself happy in, not as a fantasy of your private moment, but as reality of your life.
If it's monogamy then you need to drop that girl and fight the emotional loss for some time ahead.
If it isn't monogamy then the reality is that such arrangements are prone to unpredictable risks and many dangers so how willing are you to ride that tumultuous territory without any idea if what you want may never work out. Some see this method as very selfish because it's about you and all the effort is to arrange others to your liking. But anyway, it is you who has to decide what you really want...
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 February 2017):
 You're asking our permission to cheat?
I don't think anyone on this site would condone that. Just because you're bisexual doesn't make it okay. You decide who you want to be with more and take it from there.
Just remember, this girl isn't open to coming out, so is it worth tearing your family apart on a whim?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): Being bisexual doesn't give you licence to cheat. Who is it you want to be with? Figure that out for yourself. BTW if you choose your friend you don't need to come out - you could always simply be 2 roommates. If you do choose your husband you have to maintain only a platonic relationship with your friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): If you are bisexual, and obviously attracted to your husband (you say you love him very much), then your issue is no different from heterosexual people. In other words, you may have attractions to other people (in this case your female friend) but you LOVE and are COMMITTED to your husband, so you simply ignore these feelings. That is not much different from a heterosexual woman who has to suppress any desires for other men which she will obviously have over the years....I'm not trying to be insensitive, perhaps you didn't get to have much "fun time" or sexual experience before you settled down, and that makes the curiosity even more powerful. But the reality is you DID settle down, and build a family, so your responsibility is to them and to them alone. GO ahead and have your innocent crush with your friend, it's not a crime nor is it unfaithful to have a crush/flirtation, just don't let it go any farther than that. Because if you do, you will ruin your children's lives, husband's life, and most likely your own as you do say you really love him. So be careful. Sometimes something forbidden seems to be the most attractive thing of all because it is what we can't have....but in reality it is no better than what we are already blessed with.
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