A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm 23, he's 39. It's been one year since we started hanging out just the two of us. We get along very well, we never fight, and we both want to get married someday. My friends and family tell me we look like a real couple, even though we don't have the same values, background, etc. I really don't mind about his flaws, except for how shy he is because he can't express his feelings for me, and call me old-fashioned but I'm not popping the question. I'm very patient though, but I don't know for how long. I understand he's shy but not the fact that one day he's extremely devoted to me and the next day I'm invisible to him. I know there are a lot of things he might consider (work, family, economic stability, social acceptance...), but can't he decide once and for all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): hmmm...I have a very similar situation but reversed. I am the 39 year old and he is the 24 year old and we are more in love than any couple I have ever seen. But it sounds like, in spite of the reversed ages, my guy acts very similar to yours. It can be really hard to have them be so wonderful and then suddenly distant. I don't know about you but my boyfriend's personality is such that before he gets closer he has to take a step or two back. It would be easy to say it is the age but here you describe a 39 year old man doing the same thing. I believe it is a matter of personality, fears, psychological make-up, etc. My advice to you would be to accept him as he is and talk about your bottom line needs in a very clear manner when you are not upset and you know exactly what those needs are (keep it to one or two). With that clarity, he may begin to look at your side and your relationship will become more fulfilling. He may also not make an effort at all. He may make an effort but fail. Whatever the outcome, it is always your decision to love him like he is and stay or decide you want something else and move on. This is the driver's seat and we are in it when it comes to our own lives but not when it comes to anyone elses. Good luck and if you find that the good outweighs the bad here, maybe you should just relax and let time do it's thing.
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