A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a bit confused and frustrated and just all around unsure. I've been dating the most wonderful guy in the world since the beginning of March. We were so in love all the way up to June when school ended and we were separated from each other. He lives pretty far away from me and his house doesn't always get signal so most of our conversations were through texts, however they were always very short conversations which is partially my fault. I've always been a bit antisocial and I tend to freeze up around him, I really can't think about anything but him when I'm around him. Is it wrong to want to have conversations that are not completely romance but just talking? I panic when i do most anything and the same thing applies when we're talking, I worry what he'll think if I say it that way or this way or even what he'll want to talk about. He's been pretty stiff-lipped himself, am I being clingy or possessive by just wanting to talk to him? I'm not even sure what to talk to him about but I honestly just want a loving relationship with him that's more than just physical I want to be able to share anything with him without it being awkward and then I start to worry if I'll be boring or what he wants to talk about. I thought when I finally saw him after summer it would be like no time had passed that we'd be more than boyfriend and girlfriend, we'd be best friends too. I've seen the relationships some of my friends have, kiss, hug, sit in silence, talk to friends, kiss, hug, silence, friends. They don't seem to talk between them, they rant on and on to their friends around them, but not usually to each other. Is it wrong to want to be able to do both? To talk to your lover and your best friends? I know that in a relationship you need space and I try to give him that and keep some of my own, my friends are also under the impression his friends are weird and his friends think mine are downright insane. We're just a little goofy but it kind of creates awkward situations. He doesn't like sitting with me and my friends and his friends don't want my friends around them. I try to balance myself I don't want to have to choose between the boy I love and my friends I cherish. Then there are times, such as the past week where I just couldn't get enough of him after not seeing him for three months aside from one date, due to my overprotective father. He doesn't seem- I don't know how to say its just that whenever I'm just so happy to see him in the mornings he's talking on and on to his best friends and I've just left my friends so it wouldn't be awkward and I could see him. And when we go to different classes, before we'd always kiss goodbye but now he walks away and I'm left saying I love you, I don't think he hears me so the next time I say it louder and I don't know if he listens, If I don't say a thing he leaves without a word, a glance or even a smile. I'm worried something is happening, I'm not sure how to describe it. Am I being clingy? I don't want to be one of those crazy infatuated teenage drama queens bawling their eyes out because their boyfriend doesn't reply instantly to their email or whatever. I just know I love him and he sparks feelings no one else ever has. I know there's a reason for PDA polices in schools, and I'm normally all for the removing of the couples constantly making out and being completely inappropriate in school but ever since they tightened the police and we've been warned that the teachers who normally let little things slide are cracking down with suspensions and parent calls he won't even hold my hand in the presence of a teacher, I used to think I was being a prude when I scanned the room for teachers before kissing him goodbye or hugging him. Am I being too clingy? I don't want much just to kiss him goodbye maybe or hug him, and hold his hand and get that warm fuzzy feeling you always do. I also just want to know I'm more than a doll to him, I want to talk to him but I'm not sure how to start. Is it wrong to think this way?Is it wrong to think of him when we're apart, to fill my sketch book with his face and us together? To want to hold him and love him but also talk to him? Is it wrong to feel hurt when he ignores me and I'm not even sure he knows he does or am I turning into a clingy drama queen?Please help me, please slap some sense into my hormone charged brain, sorry my question was so long and confusing but if anyone can offer a word of advice, please do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I don’t think you’re being clingy, I think you’re going through the motions of teenage obsession. Now before you misunderstand, obsession isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a dangerous thing, but not totally wrong. You’re in love and you enjoy him. It’s natural to want to be closer to him, it’s natural to want to feel that bond more closely. Clingy is being obsessive to the point that you’re arguing about him not spending enough time with you… steer clear of that point if you can. Talk to him about how close you want to be with him and if that makes him uncomfortable. Communication in this issue goes a long way, and if you discuss it with him in a loving manner that conveys your worry about scaring him off… he might surprise you and reassure you that he’s okay with it. Then again, he might be a little freaked out because it IS just a teenage romance at this point. It’s a gamble, but it’s worth it. Regardless of what he tells you, you will have had the opportunity to communicate effectively with him which is healthy in a long-term relationship.
My advice is to find something to keep you occupied so you don’t obsess too hard. After-school activities for example is a good way to go. Sports… walking… video games… writing… these are all good stress relievers that, at the same time, offer clarity on a life situation. Also, like I said, talking to him about it will help your fears. Tell him how it makes you feel when he just walks away without listening to you. Tell him that you want him to hear you tell him that you love him. Tell him how much you cherish your time with him, but also your friends. It’s okay to keep your friendships and your relationships separate. When those two things collide, sometimes it’s self-destructive. Different personalities are, after all, very different. Don’t feel bad about if your friends like him or not or vice-versa. They’re not dating him and you’re not dating them. Just communicate and things will go well! Good luck! :D
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