A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy 3yrs ago through a mutual friend, there seemed to be an instant attraction on both sides the chat was flowing and then he slips out that he has a girlfriend, gutted! Anyway I decided right then to back off. He lives over 2 hrs away anyway so didn't think anymore of it. over the next 18 month's we saw each other via the mutual friend about 6/7 times and each time it was so obvious there is an attraction there, although I knew he had a girlfriend and by this point I was back with my ex.Everyone started commenting on the two of us and the clear sparks between us, I just can't stop myself or the flirty banter it just happens! anyway we ended up exchanging email addresses as he doesn't have a Facebook and no sooner had I left my friends house he messaged me and other than about 3 weeks in total we have talked every day for the last 7 month's.we've seen each other a lot more the last few months and he makes excuses to be where I am and visa versa. We've only spent about 10 mins actually alone together though with no one else around ect. Nothing has happened between us but there has been a bit of non sexual touching like tickling me and Couple of shoulder rubs. We don't hug or anything like that. Anyway I have found myself developing feelings for him now, I told him I like him, his response was I like you too, but I am happy with who I'm with.I said I'm not asking you to leave her and run off with me, but I need to be honest with you and myself here, I want to get to know you better on a personal level, if you don't feel the same we should stop talking for at least a while. He then said I don't want to stop talking to you, I class you as a close friend and we definitely shouldn't stop talking. Since this chat, he really stepped up his flirting, to a point I was almost begging him to come get me (I'm not proud of this) He then said he can't and I said he shouldn't flirt with me the way he does. He apologised and said he'd calm it down. He's carried on messaging me since everyday and I am just so sooo confused. His turning me down just made me like and respect him even more! What is this thing we have going on? Clearly we have some kind of emotional affair going on but what now?
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affair, facebook, flirt, has a girlfriend, my ex, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous :) you have really helped me see this situation for what it is and I'm so grateful to you for opening my eyes. I am typically a very rational person but my head was twisting on this because my judgement was so clouded. I just let out a huge sigh of relief, I'm going to tell him to concentrate on his girlfriend, she doesn't deserve this going on behind her back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): HiWhat may help you to see this for what it is, is for you to read your post again, but pretend someone else wrote it. Your best friend or sister or whoever. Then you might hear what we hear. It's hard, when you know someone and believe that they are nice and decent etc to realise that there may also be a different side to them. He is showing what he is really like by using, yes using, two women to make himself feel great. He knows that the way he is behaving towards you is not doing you any favours. He knows it's unsettling you as he's apologised and promised to turn it down. Doesn't sound like he's sticking to that. He is also behaving horribly towards his partner. You know that, so does he, but he doesn't care. He is enjoying winding you up and being emotionally unfaithful to her. What a catch!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 He would not cross the line and physically cheat. He would flirt and play mind games though. He would be subtle in his flirting and be sure no one could call him out on it, because he could always use the defence that you and him are just friends. Although he doesn't mind feeding off your energy. A guy craving an ego stroke doesn't have to be mean, evil or disrespecting to women. What you are both hooked here is the fact that you can't have each other, so that's where the taboo and excitement start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo you think he's using me? Why hasn't he tried anything then? He's had plenty of opportunity if he wanted to... in response to do I respect what he's doing to his girlfriend no I don't.
I have been thinking perhaps he is confused about his feelings and trying to get to know me better or something? He's a genuinely lovely sweet guy, he isn't someone you'd typically label as a 'player'I'm also really close to alot of his family members so surely that plays some importance in his actions? or do you all still feel the same?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 What now?
Nothing. He isn't going to leave his girl, you aren't going to leave your man. He is ENJOYING having his EGO rubbed by another woman, it makes him feel like HE still "got it". It's not really about you... ANY woman could do for him, as long as she "sighs" heavily and thinks he set the sun.
You are putting YOUR relationship with YOUR BF in danger, because you are now developing "feeling" for the other dude, and you are PAYING more attention to this "fantasy flirt" rather then your man and your relationship.
He is turning you down because he 1. isn't REALLY interested in anything with you and 2. he "thinks" it makes the emotional cheating OK, less shady and 3. He thinks it makes him a great BF. Honestly, you are BOTH delusional in thinking this is no big deal.
How would you feel if your BF had some woman on the side like you have this guy? Someone he flirts with and get into sexy chats and gushes over, tell his feelings too... and SHE isn't you? It would make you feel like crap wouldn't it?? And you would wonder just how long till he actually DID physically CHEAT with her.
How do you think his GF would feel? You think she would be FINE with him chatting you up and you responding in kind?
YOU and him are not "friends".
What you are doing is not right. And you know it.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (9 May 2015):
He is using you to stroke his own ego. Nothing more than a game to him unfortunately.
If I were you I wouldn't play it anymore.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
 I see that you are in England. If'n you were up north - let's say, in Manchester..... and it was a cold February night... and you wanted to keep warm.... so I started a bonfire... and you and I - and some friends of our's - stood around and enjoyed the warmth.. and I said to you, "If you want to keep warm all night, I suggest that you jump in to the fire pit.... since it will keep burning until morning...." WOULD YOU DO THAT?????
If not... then WHY would you even consider talking to this Lothario who you describe?????? You know better!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 May 2015):
He's basking in your admiration and what you have here is a one sided ego stroke that benefits him only. At least an emotional affair is mutual. He says he likes you, but not in that way. He likes the euphoric feelings that you give him, but not the person you actually are. A person in a committed relationship would not want to know another on a personal level. Although he wouldn't mind some cheap sexual thrills or extra attention, the kind of secret admiration that one could only get from outside the relationship.
You respect that he refuse to cheat with you, but do you respect the fact that he needs attention and approval outside his relationship? Do you think his girlfriend would respect what he is doing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): What now? You go away because he is using you for entertainment, and if you were with him he would do the same to you.
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