A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My question is about how age gap relationships work long term. I am 26 and my other half is 49, we are both Christians and enjoy spending time with each other. Weither we are dating or working for the Church he is a full time Evangelist so his life is the Church which is perfect for me as I couldn't be with a man who didn't share my belief in God. We haven't been intimate down to our believes nothing has went past a kiss. So it is a real relationship before anyone hints at he only wants me for one thing. My other half keeps dropping in the subject of marriage. I love him but at times it scares me, not sure how ready I am, we have been together 4months so I'm scared what if he goes off me? My age starts to frustrate him? Our lives go different directions ect. He speaks about his life and he has done so much! I have just finished college ect. I'm asking married people what brought you to your decision? How did you know this is the one? Can it work long term with our age gap? Thank you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 I am a huge proponent of age gap relationships.
my husband is 13 years younger than I am and I agree that one of the reasons it works for us is because I had my children long before I met him.
I do not think in this case that it's a good fit for you OP and I will tell you why.
1.you have no experience with relationships and therefore you don't even realize how his mentioning marriage at 4 months is so very inappropriate.
2. Anytime the OLDER partner does NOT push the YOUNGER partner away and urge them to find someone more age appropriate I am concerned. ONE of the hallmarks of any age gap relationship that works is that the older partner should go kicking and screaming into the relationship... you fight it as much as you can BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE YOUNGER PARTNER you want them happy healthy and whole and you know that you will DIE long before they do.
3. at 49 I was great. next month I turn 55 and between 49 and 53 my body quit on me. My father is 80 and in better shape than I am. It's genetics. I have arthritis of the spine (called degenerative disc disease) and I've become very very limited in what i feel up to doing and how much energy I have. IF you stay with this man and in 5 years you have children, you will essentially end up a single parent and possible a caretaker for an older spouse.
HIS LACK OF CONCERN on this matter is upsetting to me. HE should be encouraging you to leave him and go meet men your own age. The fact that he can be so selfish as to (after 4 months) talk of marriage tells me he is only thinking of himself.
Do not even begin to discuss marriage for at least a year. Date him, interact with him and his family.. TAKE at least a year to date before even discussing marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): I'd like to think my Children would love us regardless of our age and taught not to be judgemental, (I know things don't got as black and white as that). Pray that they would though.
At the moment he is pretty fit and healthy and looks great for his age, but I know long term that he will age long before me, would I care for him off course I would, I couldn't call myself a Christian and not have compassion for someone, especially someone I made vows to, "in sickness & health". If I did marry him.
I'm sorry your father went through that though.
I do think the OP is correct the reason I do feel scared is it too soon. I think spending more time with him and discussing these things is needed. Make it clear to him I need more time.
Thank for you advice.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (22 February 2015):
 In terms of children, please read this young girl's post about loving her much older father, but still feeling a bit embarrassed with him meeting her friends: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-worried-about-what-my-friends-will-think.html
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2015):
 4 months is WAY to early to talk marriage -age gap or no age gap.
Considering that he HAS already lived a LOT and thus is now ready for settling down, he presumes that you SHOULD be ready too. What he MAY not really understand it, that YOU haven't lived a whole lot and like love you can't really RUSH life.
Is he is a hurry to replace his dead wife or is he in a hurry because he doesn't want you to "shop" around?
I know that doesn't sound "nice" - but it wouldn't be the first time a widow/widower jumped into something new because they didn't WANT to be alone.
I think you NEED to figure out what age (yours) would be a good time to consider marriage. Let's say you want to accomplish a few things first so 28-29 might be realistic for you. Then you NEED to talk to him. He can't rush you. That isn't fair.
Again, 4 months is TOO soon to make this choice.
As for when/why I got married. Well, we had been dating for 18 months (LDR) when the opportunity to BE together in the same geographical location arose. However, in order for it to work marriage was necessary. So we got married. That was 17 years ago. I would have been PERFECTLY happy to just live together( I'm NOT a Christian mind you), but I have no regrets as far as marriage. I DO feel we rushed into it in a sense, because in a LDR you do get to know each other, but NOT in the same way as if you can spend a LOT of time face to face. So I actually felt 18 months was rushing it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): I think him pressuring you or mentioning marriage is due to him realising he is so much older than you .I can only tell you my own story about my late father and his wife . My father was chased by a woman 20 years his junior . She was shy . My father very outgoing, was a conveyer of the local publican bar had tons of friends outgoing fit .he was late 50's at the end and she saw this and was very attracted . Sandy ( let's call her that ) was late 30's was shy divorced two children who remained with their father. So after a while they began to date and they did marry . My father at the time reminded her of the huge age gap 20 years that there would come a time he wouldn't want to dance the night away but as it seemed a long way away my step mother didn't care.Roll on 15teen years and my father unfortunately had gout, too much red meat and port (I'm a nurse btw) and he ended up losing his lower limb . Sandy at this was angry and she would say very mean and horrid things to my father . When we tried to visit we had to make arrangements via sandy . Let's just say she wasn't cut out for caring for her partner She left him with no food listening to funeral marched and told him he best just die . She just wasn't cut out for it .. did I hate her not quite but I did detest her . With our support out father made her leave, I visited my father daily with other siblings. He bought himself a electric scooter with the money he wasn't spending on her . He got a ramp put it and he was beginning to live his life again .He still loved her . My point is : the age gap here is very large are you prepared to take care of him when say in 20 years he is like my father .. can you handle that responsibility? ? If not then take time out . You are young . In 20 years you'll be still young .. He's pushing the marriage thing because of this .
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (22 February 2015):
Honestly, I'm all for age gap relationships if both people are over 25, but it only works long term if neither want children or have already had the children they want (in previous relationships). I say that because (in my opinion) it wouldn't really be fair to a child to have a dad who is nearing, say, 65 when he's 10. So, a deal breaker will probably be whether you think you'll ever want children.
Also, I think 4 months is too early to be talking about marriage because you're still in the honeymoon stage where everything works out well - cracks will develop over time and you'll have to find out if you can face them and mend them together, or if they are too much for you to deal with (which is why I suggest people living together - not buying a place together - for at least 6 months before getting married, so that you can address any issues with being together 24/7 before making a lifetime commitment).
In my opinion, it *could* work long term, if neither of you want children - except maybe adopting kids older than 8 (so that it fits better with your other half's age. However, relationships with gaps this big usually don't last because you're at to different life stages that are a massive difference apart and I'd even go as far to say that relationships with gaps this big, only have a higher shot at working out if one is retired and the other is nearing retirement.
That said, can you imagine yourself at 60, your children are 25 and 27 (for example) and their father is 83. In that situation, I may love my father, but I would wish he was much younger, so that he could be around for me and my future children, etc. Some go without one or both parents at 25, but nobody would wish it to be that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): Thank you for your responses:
I posted this question, we do get along great and i love spending time with him. It was his passion for God and people what first attracted me to him. Also he has lived a life before he met me and I love hearing about that, even though I can't get on the same level yet, kind of a security in his experience though if you get me.
My bf was married to his late wife whom he had two children with, both in their teens now. He has raised them as a single father for 8 years and that's another thing I admire him for, his kids did take a while to get their head around my age though.
As of sex life and Children, sometimes I feel nervous over that too. As I am a virgin and want to keep myself for my husband. Down to what I beileve, he was married until he lost his wife so off course he isn't.
As of Children yes I'd love to have Children one day, but that is another thing he has achieved that I haven't yet.
I think these are all things I need to sit down and speak to him about before we take the next step.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): I'm 24 and engaged. We've been together for 4 years. How do I know this is the one? Because if I had to describe my ideal papartner, it would be him! He's my best friend, confidant and biggest supporter and I am his. We want the same kind of things in life, ie work for another five years, travel see the world, maybe move to another continent for a year or so and then have kids ;-) They're all dreams of course, but we're in sync. And the sexual chemistry is amazing.
We make a great team and I can't imagine anyone better to share the ups and downs of life with. He makes me incredibly happy and I do my best to make him happy too.
In your case you need to reflect on what you want in your life in the short term and in the long term and then see how compatible your goals are.
I would also advise taking your time getting to know him before making any big commitments.
As for the age gap, how do you feel about it ? If you are ok with it then that's all that counts. Do be aware that for some men their sex drive drops drastically after turning 50 so there is the possibility that you will have a sexless life till death do you part. That's when temptation or regret build up. But that is up to you to decide if you are happy to take that risk.
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