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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi - I am so low and I just don't know what to do My wife and I seprated in last year although we only told the kids it was permenant a few months back and they have now started spening time over night at my house My son was in initially upset and angry and said he was not going to stay at my house but came round to it although still not happy My teen age daughter whilst very upset has become very close to me but over the last two weeks has become very upset and angry but refuses to talk about it She now refuses to stay at the house and says we can't make her I cannot understand the change in her behaviour . She was so loving towards me and now is very cold and angry the only thing she says is that she wants the family back together again and says it is not fair She has never been good at showing her emotions and does not talk easeily I have recently started dating again and thought that she may have seen my texts although I cannot be sure I have not told anyone about dating as it is not serious but I wanted to try and start a new relationship so my ex wife does not know either ( although we have both said we do want to start new relationships ( not quite sure how you annouce that you are starting to take those first steps )I love my children so much and this rejection is killing me I try and talk to her but she says she is ok any advice really welcome
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (24 April 2006):
 I have been and am going through similar things. Children don't like to accept that their parents are never going to be together again. When I parted from my husband we still made joint outings and shared time at Christmas, birthdays etc. When I drop off or pick up we have a coffee together. It takes a lot of time and patience to get through the period when they apply pressure and it is very upsetting. Perhaps you should talk to their Mum about doing things as a family sometimes for the kids and tell your children, together, what you are doing. It becomes harder when you meet someone because they won't find it easy but you can adapt the arrangements with a little imagination. I would keep the dating out of the picture for as long as you can. Children have big problems with loyalty, if your daughter stays with you perhaps she thinks she is being disloyal to her Mum. If she has felt closer to you this could have jolted her into feeling guilty. Her Mum and you can reassure her about this. Don't force her, but let her be welcome when she changes her mind. Staying with you in a place other than home reminds her that you do not live there any more. You could discuss these things with their mum at some stage; what you should do when either of you gets to dating etc. Hopefully your ex wife is not hoping that you will get together again and applying subtle pressure through the kids? Just checking as tt does not sound like that, but be careful to discuss all of these what ifs and maybes so you both know in advance how you will deal with them and present a united front. My ex and I have always made sure that we met a new partner and knew them before our child did. It does feel like vetting but it has worked for us.
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