A
male
age
41-50,
*ickbrown23
writes:Hi everyone,Okay, here's my problem: In the early stages of our relationship, my girlfriend and I were crazy about each other and our sex-life was amazing. Unfortunately, according to her, I also checked out women when we were out, looked at billboards with sexy ads, looked at women on magazines at the check out aisle in grocery stores, and basically was always pulled into images of attractive women. I honestly didn't realize I was doing it and it took a lot of work to rid myself of that pull toward looking at attractive women and especially at advertisements as they are so aggressively vying for your attention. She insists that if I was only into her, that I never would look at anyone else. But I AM only into her, without a sliver of doubt. My girlfriend says that this behavior essentially destroyed her feelings of sexiness and even though it's been many months since I've looked around, she continues to want me to explain myself, why i looked around, how i'm different, how i've changed, etc. so that she can feel safe with me again. I don't know what to do? She is without a doubt my heart and soul, the sexiest woman I've ever known and the love of my life. I tell her these things constantly yet nothing seems to break through the hurt i caused her before. How can i make her believe that she is the center of my universe? In every way except for that one problem, we are perfect but we can't seem to break through this one issue. I feel like I've cheated on her and the guilt eats me up. Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, veronika  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 You... sound like a normal human. You know, because normal humans have a pulse and check out other people from time to time.
I agree with CaringGuy. Your girlfriend seems like she needs some kind of therapy, because it seems from what you've written, that she may have a lot of self esteem issues.
All women and men have issues with their body and self esteem from time to time, but this sounds chronic - the fact that she's making you feel so guilty about a normal, human instinct is insane.
You need to explain and tell her that she the sexiest woman you've ever been with and that you love her. You can't really do anything else but be honest.
I know people who are the same as your girlfriend seems, and they ALWAYS have something to pick up on. In my experience with people like this, it doesn't matter what you say or do, they will find something that's 'wrong' in their minds and zoom in on it, because they always need reassurance and attention to make them feel worthy.
She needs psychological help, in my opinion. You haven't cheated or done anything wrong.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): A. she has insecurity issues
B. you ned to respect how she feels and compromise
You are sexually aware. You do not bottle your feelings. As long as you have no intent toward other women (and lets face it, how could you with a billboard or photo) you are not straying. SHe needs reassurance of her beauty. You provide that, but she still feels jealous...she has insecurities that SHE needs to work on. Admiring the beauty of women on magazine covers is completely normal. NOT acknowledging it is NOT normal. She is being selfish saying that you would not even look at a magazine or billboard. However, if you love her, you will acknowledge her insecurities and work with her to minimize whatever is making her uncomfortable. Maybe just dont vocalize your admiration of other women. Keep it in your head. If she asks why you're looking, lie and say "she looks fatter" or something. It's not an honest thing to do in a loving relationship, but if it keeps the peace...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): She needs to understand that men, ALL men, are wired that way.
Men are programmed to look, are visual-based; it's what nature intended.
The whole of advertising exploits that fact: how many ads do you see that aren't using sex or female attractiveness in some way?
YOU are doing nothing wrong and are simply obeying nature. Just because you like the look of a passing girl it doesn't mean that you are about to desert your gf, any more than seeing another car that you like in a showroom or on the road means that you will abandon your present one and go for the new one!
She needs to understand these things and be confident and happy that you are with her and adore her so much.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 Take her out on a vacation where there will be NO women around (like maybe rent a cabin somewhere) and then shower her in attention and affection. Maybe that will give her the intense treatment she needs to get over her insecurities and be happy again.
She needs to build up her trust again, and this is something that can be so hard. She continues to ask about this because it continues to bother her, and because she is not over it yet. I say allow her to ask and then each time have a deep and sincere conversation about it. Then do your best to show her attention, and bring her attention to what you do for her! By now she might be so insecure that she is blind to the affection you give her. So remind her of the little things you do (not in an aggressive manner, but a cute manner). Write her love letters, send her flowers. And tell her often that she is the sexiest woman alive, you adore her, love her, and all the feelings you have for her. And have passionate sex with her, and if she is not in the mood, pamper her and get her in the mood.
Slowly her confidence and trust went away. And slowly it will come back.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 July 2010):
I'm not being funny, and some might agree with me and some might disagree with me. But I think your girlfriend has some severe problems. Lets understand this, if you were looking at women in the street all the time, then she'd had a right to feel bad. But realistically, it's a bit closed minded of her to suggest you are always drawn to magazines and billboards. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Pretend they're not there? Give up reading? Give up your use of sight?
IT'S HER. NOT YOU. You're feeling guilty, when you haven't even done anything. This isn't even porn for God's sake. This is nothing. You've not cheated at all.
You sound like a really great guy. But I want you to think carefully, because nice guys have a habit of picking women that aren't all there in the head. No offence there. But I've fancied girls before on the basis that I can 'rescue' them and make them better. Doesn't work. And I know that now. Really sit down and look carefully at this woman. She sounds like a huge amount of trouble to me. You can't sit there for the rest of your life feeling guilty and having to explain why you've changed, how you've changed, how you're different. That will destroy you and rob you of the chance of a genuinely happy relationship with a woman who doesn't throw her toys out the pram when you look at the cover of the TV mag or an advertisement. You haven't hurt her. You haven't cheated. You haven't done anything. Don't sit there with a woman like this.
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