A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi i am married to a wonderful man for the past 23 years and now have cheated on him for the very first time. it is hard as i am riddled with guilt.i have been seeing a friend of ours for almost a year before we called it off.our friend is also married but living a separated life for two years.when the relationship started out we agreed to a no strings attached.my husband and him are alike in so many ways.not trying to justify what we were doing,but if i may say both of us never thought we were capable of doing what we did.yet it happened.we both would normally not even look at on another.he told me that he is very attracted to me,and comfortable around me.he said the last thing he wants to do is brake my home.we drew very close and became sexually involved.i asked him to try and work things out between him and his wife.in february we called it quits,and got together one last time.on the day he was sick so after he left my house to go home i called him to see if was fine while talking to him it sounded as if he was crying.he has now gone back to his wife to try and work things out,however they were living in different states.he is still this side for most of the time.he promised to be there for me no matter what.though the relationship has ended,if i pick up the phone and tell him i need him he drops everything and comes to my rescue.recently i celebrated my birthday, he and his wife had plans so he told my husband he will not be able to make it for the party.he was asked do you want me to tell her you can't make it,"no i will call you back just now"was the reply. the call came back he had cancelled his plans with his wife and got a flight for both of them to attend,however he came alone.he always stairs at me in the sly when people are around and when we are alone the stairs are direct and intense smiles and lifts his eyebrow like sexy.one of my friends even asked if something was up cause we give each other that look that says "i want you and i want you now"i have developed very strong feelings toward him but not enough to leave my husband.we never told one another what we felt,until just before we broke it off i told him what i was feeling and think this may be the reason for him going back to his wife,as he said he never wants to brake my home.he probably new i would never leave my husband and so is running from what he feels for me.we don't ever talk by text just call one another if needed,we try not to be alone,however the other day we were just that, alone and got intimate again.please need to know!do you think this man is in love with me?just need some closure
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): It seems pretty clear the man is fond of you, but how would knowing for certain whether he loves you or not give you closure? Are you planning on making big life changes based on his feelings? If he does love you will you continue to see him?
I suggest you let him worry about his feelings. You focus on your own life and what you want out of it.
A
female
reader, Ce-Ce  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 You have been married for way too long to be cheating on your husband. Especially with someone else's husband and then after you get the goods, you send him on his way back to his wife. Both of you were wrong and don't be surprised if yall spouses find out and hook up or if another women sleeps with your husband. Then you'll see just how it feels. The 2 of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Yall took vows before GOD and you said you were happy with your husband so why did you cheat? You don't want closure, you want to have your cake and eat it too without paying the consequences. After 23 years, your husband deserves better than what you are giving him. The worse thing you can do is claim to tell your husband to be honest. People tell their spouses that they cheat to rid themselves of holding in the guilt. Atleast give your husband that much respect to stop cheating for good and take it to your grave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): It seems to me you dont care that you cheated on your husband. You act like this other man is your knight in shinning armor when that is supposed to be how you feel about your husband. As far as him promising not to break your home well congratulations youve already done that! It may take two to tango but you always could have said no. I dont think it matters what this other man feels for you. You should tell your husband what youve done. If he wants you after that youd be lucky. Id go to marriage counceling. It seems people value marriage less and less.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 July 2011):
 How will knowing whether the guy loves you or not bring you closure? Stop this nonsense now and focus on your husband and your marriage before both disappear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): your affair is nothing special. what it is, is a blatant disrespect for your husband. your hb blindly invites your lover into your home to celebrate your b/day. can you not see how wrong this is.
for 1 year you have purposefully sought out another man. purposefully destroyed your marriage. Lied, cheated and practically humiliated your hb in front of this man.
you may think you are a matryr but honey, right now, everything points to you just being a cheater.
of course cheaters say this is not normally things they will do. they just try to justify all this crap in their minds. It doesn’t matter whether you have broken your vows for the first time or the 10th. It is still a betrayal.
The way u write means that in your heart you have justified and made excuses for your betrayal. There is no remorse or even shame or even blaming yourself for the betrayal. You have justified it and this is worse, so much worse.
To defile your own home is no excuse, your common homes have picked up and are certainly gossiping about your affair. Trust me. THEY KNOW. So it is only a matter of time before someone whispers the stink to your hb. Right now you think that u have covered your tracks. Hun, all cheaters think this. But the deceit is discovered and people’s lives are transformed forever. Usually the very people we claim to love, are the people we destroy. And in your case you have destroyed your hbs.
Perhaps if you realistically see what u have done, what u are capable of, then you will see the errors of your ways. Both you and your hbs best friend have committed the worse possible betrayal and that is unforgivable. 2 people your hb trusts ( you and his friend) have knowingly, purposefully and conniving pulled the wool over his eyes.
OP, you have a serious case of denial to your wrong doing. You are full of excuses and you see your affair as a “love” affair. But it isn’t.
You say your lover is now in a different “state” (you said “state” but I live in SA and I know we do not have “states” only provinces.) So I am assuming DBN/JHN or CT). Your lover left his wife and came to your home for your b/day. At this b/day people made the connection. People saw your betrayal. People are not stupid. They KNOW what is happening.
“Love” for your hb. Naaahhhhhh, if you truly loved your hb you would not betray him the way you have. I would normally suggest counselling but I won’t. You see the tone of your story is what is unbelievable, you actually believe the bull you have written. Your hb deserves better, he deserves a faithful wife. Good men are very hard to find. Only when u lose your hb will you then realise what u have given up. It is only a matter of time before your hb connects the dots. your affair was "no mistake" . it was adeliberate, well thought of plan.
Oh, and i think he needs to get rid of his so called “friend” . a friend or even a wife what cared for him will NEVER have done what u two have done.
BTW: THE title of this post is sooooooo misleading: you are NOT riddled with guilt. almost your entire essay is about your lover. this proves that your hb means nothing to you..........
just my thoughts on your affair: i think you need to remove the rose tinted glasses and view your affair realistically.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 HI
First of all you have both done the right thing this time by calling it a day, nobody wants to intentionally break up a family.
You say this friend is very much like your husband? then maybe you are trying to find the old husband in your friend, the one you think you have lost over the last 23 years somewhere. We all go through a bit of a meltdown when in a long marriage, but it's getting through them tuff times that you and your husband will both reep the rewards. the grass isn't always greener if you know what I mean. If your marriage is lacking passion, the passion you once felt for eachother then this can be found again, but you both have to work hard for it. So many people think it's over and give up on a marriage then realise when it's far too late what they have lost. You talk a lot about this freind but you dont say why you had this affair in the first place?? Maybe you need time away on your own, a week, to sit and really think about what you want, and if you want to save your marriage before you and your freind over step the mark, and cant turn it back!! When you put all the pieces together, think of all the good times you both had together ( you and you husband ) forget the struggles for a minute, just think of all the happy times, why were they happy? what were you both doing that made you both so happy? because a lot of the times people forget to just be their self and become a habit, routines are humdrum! be spontanious, bold, daring, put on that little black dress that made you feel sexy, jazz up your hair, look at your husband for all the good times and go with the flow.Or maybe think about marriage counciling? I hope you make the right choice and good luck xx
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (20 July 2011):
 If he was really in love with you, he would've left his wife for you by now. He's stringing you along and you know that, but you don't want to believe it. He's never going to leave his wife. Cheaters always use that to get what they want. So stop falling for it. If you would never leave your husband and he would never leave his wife, why are you two still seeing each other. He's never going to find you important enough to put you first. How do you know he's not doing the same thing with someone else? He's taking advantage of you, and you are doing the same to him. Get over this guy and work on your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): you both are in love---but this relation would not be good for you in long run----be satiesfied that you have got a nice friend---keep distance.
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