A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My new boyfriend of 6 weeks became divorced 3 months ago. My sister asked me if i would go shopping with her to help her choose a dress for her works outing. While i was with her, I saw my boyfriend with another woman, laughing, kissing, holding hands. I showed my sister and she said i should ask him when i was alone with him, not start a scene here. Now,i did what my sister said i should do. My boyfriend claimed it was not him as he was working that day. Should i call it a day and find somebody else as i could not trust him again as my sister has found out from a friend that the woman with him, that day, was his ex wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): I agree with Ask oldersister. He isn't your boyfriend, at least not a committed one. You 2 are just dating. I guess it is fine to call him a boyfriend for lack of a better term. At your ages there is a difference between dating and a committed relationship. It's only been 3 months that they have been apart. Assuming that he was lying and it was him, then that is a problem. Lying is a problem. Being intimate with his ex wife is not in my mind.
I did the same thing after my first marriage ended. I started dating a woman about 6 months after my wife left me. A couple of months later, my ex wanted me back and we were seeing each other for a few weeks. The difference is that I was honest with both of them. I actually dated a couple of other women for the next 2 years. I was honest with everybody. I needed time to discover what I needed and wanted. I needed time to get back my confidence. My wife did the same after her divorce. She dated one guy for over a year and also some other guys during that time. She was also honest with them.
Ending a long marriage is a traumatic and confusing experience. It takes time to get over it and discover what is best for you. Sometimes that means not dating for some time to have time to reflect on the failures. Sometimes that means dating multiple people. Actually, dating only one person and then settling on them for a long term relationship is probably the most dangerous for both parties. Rebound relationships with only person are the most unlikely ones to work out in the long run.
Don’t be surprised if he dates other women too in the future. Actually, he should. If you cannot stand this then you will have to leave him to make you happy and give him the chance that he needs. My girlfriend decided to give me the chance and we have had over 29 almost always great years together. A couple were less than perfect, but that is how relationships go. However, before you decide to stay with him you need to clear up the lie. Did he or didn’t he? If he did, then that is a real problem because honesty is critical in any relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): Is there any children in this past marriage with his ex? If so, you may find yourself always being resentful that these two will be connected through the children. I can imagine how upsetting it must have been to see him with his ex wife and sharing such intimate moments. Plainly, something is still there. I think I know what you are saying...if he's still caring for her, you don't want to be the 'consolation' prize. And I agree with you. Your bf was in a committed, love relationship with his ex wife, for a long time. Why wouldn't that hold some kind of power over him? As long as he clings to an idealized wonderful memory of her, it's quite possible, even the right one person may not replace her in his life, for awhile until he's over her. This is the residual feelings of attachment that AskOldersister alludes to, in her posting. Some people have a hard time saying 'goodbye' after a divorce. Instead many of them say. "we'll see ya around', simply because, there are still emotional, heartfelt feelings. Lying to you about why he was with her, was a big mistake on his part. It shattered the level of trust, you two were building towards the past 6 weeks. How sad, he couldn't just come out and be honest, by telling you 'exactly what he still feels for her' and gave you the option of deciding whether he was worrth staying with. My advice: Tell him you are moving on. He's fantasizing about how he wants you so you can be his 'healing balm' to rescue him from his past, and that's just not something you can do. He has to get there all on his own, before he brings another love interest in his life. Later at some point, if you can past the lie he told you, then tell him...when he's over her and is willing to keep her out of his life...then he can give you a call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): If Ask older sister is right and you guys are only dating then I agree with her.
How ever IF this guy is actually your boyfriend and he has agreed to be with you and only you then:
You know what you have to do.
You know you can't trust him, you know he's a cheat and you know that he's a liar.
You've only been going out with him for 6 weeks. Why continue to be with someone who would betray you like that.
Can you honestly ever see yourself being happy and trusting him in the future?
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