A
female
age
41-50,
*ngrywife
writes:Caught my husband months ago lurking into porn videos. Said would never do again. Swore promised. Said was stupidness curiosity and wrong but did it. Doesn't mean anything just says computer wass there one click lead into many videos. I believed never again checked his phone last nite and he was a few one day. Said the guys at work thats all they do and he decided to show them. I am full anger disgust betrayal. . I dont want him near. Ive honored and obey him we both have until this... hrsca great father husband. Provides selfless I mean hes wonderful. Our sex lifecalways been grest spicy hot everything think of. Until tjis nonsense. I dont approve never will he again tried to apologize but I ran out and left to sob in a market Prk lot. Im angry with him my trust again shattered in a quick sec again. This time I dont know what to do. I want norhing to do with him. I love him hes great our marriage is good lil fights here there like normal peeps. .. hes the world to me... but not now im angry and dont know what to do....
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 This is an easy one in my view, If you can't deal with the fact that men love to view porn and it makes you crazy and breaks your heart when they lie about it, then peraps you need to practice living alone because the world is a sexual place and most men want to see what is going on. Good luck with your new life.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 If you don't approve of porn, you must leave him.
because you cannot tell an adult what they can and cannot do.
YOU can say "I don't approve of porn and I don't accept a partner that looks at it" and then he has to make his choice.
if he chooses to look at porn, then you must leave him because you have drawn a line that says "NO PORN" and he crossed that line.
IF you say "no porn or I"m leaving" and you don't leave the next step is "no [insert other item you don't approve of] or I'm leaving" and then since you didn't keep your word about the porn you may not keep your word about the other things... I was going to say girlfriends but I don't want to give the illusion that looking at porn leads to cheating... it does not in my opinion.
"i ran out to sob in a market parking lot" OH THE DRAMA QUEEN visions i have in my head..... unless you used a USA flag by mistake or are a transplant...
Personally if PORN does not affect your sex life negatively, I'm not sure why it's such an issue for you but then that's me. I don't have a problem with my husband watching porn and he has no issue with me watching it either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): The majority of men of all ages look at porn, to varying degrees. And always have for as long as civolization has existed in whatever form was available. Just as with alcohol and food there is a range of consumption rates. Some would indulge a lot to the point of addiction while others wouldnt even if they had the oppprtinity. The fact is most men do look at porn at least occasionally. And if not now then they are remembering the images and videos that they last saw.Probably your father, grandfather, uncles, brothers, cousins, male friends, male coworkers and bosses, your male school teachers, all looked or look at porn to varying degrees. And you expect your husband to be the one exception to the rule? Come on. If he is a great husband and father and you are ONLY upset that he looks at porn then you are creating the problem. He lied because you essentially drove him to lie by having unreasonable expectations. If he were totally honest he would admit he doesn't want to stop the porn completely. It doesn't mean he will go at it all day every day 24/7 if he could - that would be an addiction which is something totally different. But because you would not allow ANY porn at all not even once in a lifetime well he knows he cannot do that but if he were to be honest you would not understand or accept it so he took the path of least resistance which is to lie to you to make you calm down. Then of course now there is a second reason for you to feel betrayed which is because he lied. But this all stems from the fact that you created the need for him to lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): "however, i've honestly never been one to understand why women care so much about porn. i wish i could understand, but i just don't." It's because a lot of women associate a guy looking at porn as a way to fantasize about other "better" women. That may not be the case at all, but in some women's minds, he's seeing a naked woman and touching himself. Therefore, she figures he must be fantasizing about having sex with the woman he's watching. The fact the women's bodies in porn tend to fit the societal description of what beauty is doesn't help matters. This makes women think "oh, so since my body is NOT perfect, that's why my partner seeks out images of women who are". Again, this isn't always the case, but a lot of women will assume it. Sometimes the guy just looks at it because he likes watching people engage in sexual activity in general, or has a particular fetish. These guys aren't watching it to fantasize about the women in the videos, rather they are fantasizing about what the women are doing. In the end, I think the getting upset more has to do with the fact the guy is not willing to give something up that hurts his partner. And on top of that, he's willing to look her in the eyes and lie to her. That makes the woman feel like he's choosing porn over her, like it's more important. Again, this may not be the case. A lot of times, the man simply doesn't see what the big deal is. He doesn't feel he should have to give up something he's been doing since long before he met her just because she disapproves. There are also cases where the man had every intention of quitting when he said he would, yet slips up.Bottom line, it has to do with women feeling like they aren't enough, and like they are somehow inferior to the women their partners are watching. Whether it be they feel their boobs aren't big enough, their body isn't fit enough, their face isn't pretty enough, their hair isn't long enough, or all of the above. Women tend to compare themselves to other women. Not ALL women, but a lot do. I hope I've helped you understand.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 November 2013):
 not in any way to undermine your feelings, as everyone is entitled to feel whatever way they feel. however, i've honestly never been one to understand why women care so much about porn. i wish i could understand, but i just don't.
is this so upsetting to you because you believe it's like a form of cheating? do you think it's possible that to him, it's just something to stare at while he masturbates? what if he just looks at it and thinks of you while he masturbates?
for me, i have been madly, insanely in love, and one thousand percent committed, and still looked at porn. the reason? it was something to look at rather than staring at the wall. my partner did the same. we even discussed it and the types of porn we both watched. we both were completely secure in our relationship, our bodies, and our sex life. never once did it ever make me feel like she wanted to cheat and never once did i feel like she violated our relationship. neither did she.
you have to ask yourself why this upsets you so much. people masturbate. it's normal. to help aid it and speed up the process, people watch it. it's as simple as that. i'm sure he has no desire for these other women whatsoever.
anyway, i believe that he has a right to privacy when it comes to what he does in his personal time. masturbation is definitely his personal time. what he does to masturbate is his business. and honestly, i think it's rather controlling to tell him he can't do it.
anyway, i'm sorry for your pain. i hope you two can get to some sort of agreement on this and work things out.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Seems like a real shame to throw out a marriage with a great guy, great provider, and great father, with whom you have a great sex life with over him getting curious and poking around a little porn. Are you allowed to get angry? Sure. I probably wouldn't myself, but that's me. Seems like his porn viewing hasn't been getting in the way of a hot, spicy sex life between the two of you and it certainly doesn't seem at all habitual for him... so I suppose I don't see much of a problem.
I think you need to rethink all of this. If it's any help, my husband and I worked out a long time ago that porn doesn't really bother me if it's used when I'm out of town or not in the mood myself. I always get the first offer - if I'm not up for it and he's really horny, he can go take care of himself and then come to bed. The same offer stands for me and porn (though I can't say that I get turned down very often).
You've got a really good guy, who is clearly butt-crazy in love with you and still has the hots for you in the bedroom. Don't forget all that because the guy got a little curious and poked around the shadier sides of the internet.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): What do you feel is wrong with him watching porn? All men do it and as much as us women dont like it we cannot make them stop.
I know my husband has watched it and at first i was upset but its just a turn on for them. I would rather him watch porn then go and cheat on me.
It doesnt change who ur husband is or make him a bad person for watching it.
Maybe you could try and be more open minded about it. Him watching porn doesn't mean he loves you any less. Maybe you could watch it together to spice things up and he might wont go behind your back and do it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 November 2013):
I think fatherly advice's advice is great.
A large % of men watch porn, some just hide it better than others. If you leave him you're going to leave a "great guy" for doing something that comes natural to him, just to find out that the next guy is the same way.
So work with him. Understand him. He didn't tell you he was never going to look at porn again just to get you off his back. He did it because he loved you and wanted to quit for you.
I'm not even trying to say what he's doing is ok or not, I don't have much of an opinion there because I understand both sides.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 November 2013):
 AngryWife,
This is not going to be popular advice here. I'm going to post it for you because you are in a critical position and you need to understand it.
Porn is an addiction. If he had quit smoking and you caught him sneaking one after work, you would not feel betrayed. You would help him try again. This is what has happened here. He really did mean to quit, but he went to work and it was all around him and he slipped.
Don't think that I am not sympathetic to your feelings. Yes that is going to hurt. But if you want to help you are going to have to treat this like the addiction that it is. Get him committed to a recovery group. Make sure he goes. Get the temptations out of his life. That may mean finding a new job (very hard choice in these times).
There are a few of the Aunts here who can point you to information on Porn addiction from sites like yourbrainonporn. If you are willing to try one more time to save the marriage.
If you still feel too betrayed to go on then this is the end of the marriage and the beginning of some tough times. I am very sorry that you have been thrust into this bad decision between two hard lives. On one hand a recovery and rebuilding. On the other a divorce and starting all over. And all this is in no way your fault, Just the cards you were dealt.
FA
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (11 November 2013):
I can understand your anger. When most guys say they won't do it again the first time you say stop they are usually lying :( has he only just started to look? At least it's on a phone and not a big massive HD television.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (11 November 2013):
WEll, you could hire a hit man or divorce him...OR get over yourself and realize it's only natural for men to like porn as a simple distraction..I mean it's not real adultary or anything. If anything for a man it'd frustrating to see those well endowed studs hooking up with silicone and air brushed gals that have no souls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): Accept it.. Really?!? No way. I would tell my other half to pick porn or me. I look at it this way;If he really loved and cared about me, he wouldn't do things such as look at porn, when he know how crappy it makes me feel. If you have a good sex life and are happily married then I don't see why he has the need to look at porn. I am I true believer that if you are with someone (especially when you are married) there is no need look else where... Including porn.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 When ultimatums don't work, I think the bottom line is that it is better to live with a providing loving husband with one pet peeve, rather than the dangerous unknown and a broken family.
From your post I see that you have a lot of power in the family and he is afraid of you. A lot of men would have up and left because they don't want their lives controlled. I looked at porn, in and out of relationships, and personally I don't see it as something that life shattering. So my answer would sound biased to you if I tell you to stay and accept it.
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