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female
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anonymous
writes:Please bear with me- this is pretty long. Basically I met a guy online by chance on fb and we hit it off really quickly and we have really similar interests too. (I'm 18, hes 24) But pretty much from the start we knew he would soon be moving out of the country for his job... We met up and everything was great- we just 'clicked' really easily and it was a amazing day..He told me how he was going to regret leaving, how bad it was that me found me just before finding out he had to go and how that if me was staying he would definitely have asked me out, but since he knew he was leaving and that next year I would be moving elsewhere for university that it wouldn't be right to ask me out, because he said at uni I'd meet loads of new people and that I would meet someone there who I liked and he didn't want to 'hold me back' by asking me out if you get what I mean. He seemed convinced that this would happen, but I think otherwise. I agreed and said that it would be for the best, because after all it made sense. This is like his life long dream which he finally gets to fulfil and I am so happy for him because its an amazing opportunity!!After that we text everyday and talk on msn everyday, till he left to go abroad and since then (its been just over a week since he left) we email eachother everyday instead. He says pretty much every message how much he misses me, how much he wishes me could see me again, that I should take care etc when he got to the other country he told me how lonely he felt, even with his friends there. He seems to really care, and I really care for him. I worry about whether hes alright or not- there are a lot of earthquakes etc where he moved too and it can be dangerous. Everyday I wonder about how he is, hoping hes enjoying himself and not long later without even saying anything to him, he messages me saying he thinks about me everyday and to take care.He said his friends have also left someone special behind for the new job and that he said to them that he had also left someone special behind- me.The problem which arises from this is that I'm caught between not wanting to get hurt and not wanting to lose him. I'm scared of getting to into the relationship in case it all falls apart and I get hurt, because this is the first person I've ever really really liked and cared for like this. Yes, I know it must make me sound horrible but it makes me really hesistant to do things like say to him 'I think about you every day too' etc because its like I'm making a huge deal out of things when we aren't even going out, I find myself often trying to keep a distance because of that. On the other hand... he says things like that so often I feel if I don't say anything he'll think I'm not interested and don't care, which isn't true because I am and I do.Hes had girlfriends before me, including a long distance relationship which lasted over a year. I can't help but think what if this one day turns out to be just like that? He's coming back at christmas and wants to meet up and I want to see him too but I don't know how to act... what I should be like how to go about this whole relationship because we aren't even officially going out! Its like something caught between a friendship and something else. Perhaps its a first relationship thing- but to me he is amazing, and I feel as if I'm responsible for him feeling lonely and unhappy while hes away and I hate it because I want him to enjoy every moment of it. What should I do? Am I just caring for him in a best friend sort of way? It doesn't feel the same to me as to how I care for my best friends...Advice would be great, thanks~
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best friend, christmas, long distance, msn, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Don't feel embarrassed! YOU are in control of YOUR life. Sometimes it just takes a little more thought to make bigger decisions, and there's nothing wrong with deciding to do something that'll make you feel better about the situation in the end (when you're doing something mature and responsible, that is).
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and also that pretty much confirmed why I feel hesistant... I'm nor very keen on the idea of being used. I think I know what I want to do now and I actually feel really embarassed! Oh well, thanks for the answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats a really great helpful answer, thank you so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): "I feel as if I'm responsible for him feeling lonely and unhappy while hes away and I hate it because I want him to enjoy every moment of it."
You aren't at all responsible, so don't feel like you are. He chose to go abroad; you didn't tell him he had to. In fact, he's the one who informed you it was happening.
What irks me a little is that this guy told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you, that it's for the best if you aren't together, since you can't actually physically be together. Yet, every day he e-mails or messages you about how much he misses you and wants to see you again. This guy needs to make up his mind. Either he wants to be with you, or he doesn't. Either he doesn't know how to say that he made a mistake, or he's stringing you along so that when he comes home, he has someone "waiting" for him.
If you're uneasy about telling him you miss him, too, tell him that! Explain to him that you're confused about what he wants, and that you'd appreciate if he'd explain it to you.
I don't recommend a long-distance relationship for your first one; they're stressful and difficult, particularly if you two had never really been together before you were separated. You don't really know this guy well enough in person to trust him fully, to trust that he isn't cheating while he's away. You'll have to decide if that's really something you're OK with.
As for meeting new people when you go to university, he's right! You don't think there's anyone better than him right now because you're hung up on how you feel about him. But you'll soon find there are other people out there that make you feel the way you do right now, too. And they'll be closer to you, be at the same point in their lives, etc. so that you won't have to deal with the pressure and difficulties of a long-distance relationship.
Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): You are getting a lot of contact at the mo because he's in the settling in phase of his new life. Once he gets established things might calm down. I don't think you will know any more until and if you meet again at Xmas. Just keep in touch and keep your options open, and don't go imagining that he is perfect and the most amazing individual on earth, because he'll have his flaws like anyone else. All that absense could make your heart grow fonder, and fonder and then it'll start driving you mad.
If there is something there for the future then it will happen quite naturally in the course of time.
cya
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): First, you are not responsible for his loneliness, etc. That is his emotion. Your focus should be on your emotions; something you can do something about.
I think life comes with risks. We only live once. We do have to be cautious and protective of ourselves but remember to also always be true to yourself. Only you know if you see him as a friend only, but to me it sounds like it's more than as a friend. I think you are letting your fears dictate your decisions. No one says that any of this has to move fast; after all you are physically apart from one another. Just go with the flow. Be open, honest, and direct as possible and just see where it goes.
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