A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have this guy friend and we are extremely close. We actually know EVERYTHING about each other, including all the really personal inner-crazy feelings and how and to what we masturbate to. It was a really flirty relationship and we had talked about hooking up a few times but nothing ever happened. Even my own friends commented about the sexual tension between us.I really fancied him for about 5 months up until all of this happened and I thought we might get together.We had a one night stand at a very drunk party and then he said not to tell anyone and said that he didn't want the stress of rumors and a complicated friendship/relationship. But then one night, a couple of weeks later, after not having talked since that night, he sent me texts saying that he still thought about that night very often and he wanted to get together again. I didn't reply because my phone was off.I then talked to him on facebook chat the day after, still unaware of what he had sent me.He asked me if I had got them, and after saying that I hadn't, I ran to charge my phone.They basically described everything that he wanted to do to me.He started apologising and saying that was just his penis talking and he was really embarrassed about it.He said something like 'oh, i just thought you'd be up for no strings attached sex' and then i subtly suggested becoming fwb. We didn't get a lot of time together and he ended up hanging out with this other girl a lot and now they are going out.I was wondering, how does this happen?What the hell was thatFor a while, we were banging and yet still hanging out and talking about really private things.It was weird because I still loved him so much but I didn't want to end what we had.The way we left things were really open and we've both been with other people and still we always come back to our original flirty friendship when we're both available.I think casual sex is something we might end up falling into when he's single again.Could something real happen with us ever?Are guys THAT heartless that they can have casual sex and not think twice about it?Have I screwed up my chances of ever being seen a gf material?Will I just have to bite the bullet and tell him if I want to move forward in the future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Forget him. If he wanted you as more than a casual lay he would be posting himself through your letter box. When a man is interested in a woman on a serious level, wild horses do not stop him from hanging around all the time or calling constantly to know how you are and what you're up to. A man who is falling in love is unlikely to want fwb. I should know I slept with my best friend after 11 years of glorious friendship - totally sober, not even drunk - but it has ruined our friendship. He knew what he was doing but we did not discuss beforehand whether it was the right thing to do. The loss of that friendship is the most awful part of it all - I told him we could never be friends again as I had fallen in love. We have not spoken since so I take it that he does not feel the same way. Life goes on and I must say that it was an experience I could have lived without.
A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 You obviously want to be more than friends with benefits, which is exactly why you should never become friends with benefits with someone you care that deeply for. He's made it clear he doesn't feel the same way by keeping your relationship at its current fwb status. Face it, if he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would've asked you by now. Instead, you're giving him all the benefits of one while he's free to do what he wants. So yes, it's a big mistake in your case. Why put yourself through that much emotional unrest? You're wasting your energy trying to make something into more than what it is.
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