A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone ever been in a relationship where true love has lasted for longer than 5-7 years. I think I've just given up hope that true love can last for an eternity. I think for most women that "newness" feeling can last forever (if we are with the right person) but it seems as if that "newness" feeling fades away for men once they become comfortable in a relationship. At that point that it seems that the relationship becomes more of a job. "You need to work hard at a relationship" people say, "especially marriage". Well, if two people love each other enough to get married, then why the hell we have to constantly work at making each other happy? Can't two people ever just fall in love, stay in love and not have to constantly "WORK" on the relationship? I know from experience that being married, having kids and working full time can be tiring and stressful. But aren't spouses supposed to help make it easier for eachother instead of harder? Sorry to vent, I'm just frustrated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, amazinggrace  +, writes (13 October 2007):
Yes, you do have to work on the relationship but - and this is the really important bit - it has to be the right work. It's very easy to get caught up in sorting out all the housework, childcare, relationship issues, but if it doesn't get much appreciation from the other half, you need to step back and try something else.
After several years (plus this morning!) venting my spleen on doing all of the above plus whatever random requests DH wants doing RIGHT NOW, we're planning to have a quiet evening together tonight, no TV, talking and listening and having a nice dinner, something we've not done for a long while. We're also planning to tackle the Stephen R Covey book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" (thoroughly recommend his 7 habits books BTW) together, in a bid to get our family away from anger and 'back on track'. Is family/relationship therapy an option? (if not, you're not alone - DH wouldn't consider it either.) This is why we're going down the self-help route.
It's worth pointing out that no one can ultimately make you happy but you, and this is why it's important to carve out some time and space for yourself, doing something that really brings out the best in you. I know things can get in the way of this (I've had to haul my two kids out of school with nil notice for different health problems at different times just last week!) but it's worth blocking out in the calendar/schedule, if only mentally to yourself. It may give you the chance to see the relationship with a new perspective, and give you a chance to think creatively to solve any problems that you have.
Take care, and be good to yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I think the biggest misconception when it comes to love is that we think of love as a feeling... and it's not.
Love is a decision you make and it's about acts, not feelings. That's why, when you get married, they ask you "do you promise TO LOVE".... i.e. "to love" is a verb - a doing word.
And what is love? What is it that you're promising to do? You may not be religious, but have a look at this anyway [from 1 Corinthians 13:4]:
Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
Put your name in where the word "love" is in that sentence --- that's what you're promising to do in your relationship. You're promising to be patient, promising to be kind, to be slow to anger & quick to forgive.
THIS IS WHY IT'S A DECISION, NOT A FEELING -- because there WILL be times when you will feel less than loving towards your partner, but if you've vowed to love him, that's what you're promising to do, despite not feeling particularly warm towards him.
Short answer to your question is "NO" - scientifically, being in love is a chemical reaction - your body releases feel-good chemicals and you feel wonderful for a while; after that, it comes down to making a choice to keep that relationship going. And the way you do that is by your actions & choices. I think sometimes we treat strangers better than we treat our partners & that's where it takes an active commitment (from both) to change that behaviour into that which is "love" in its essence of doing.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 My wife and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. And I have to admit if looking at it closely neither of us put a lot of effort into making the relationship work , it just does and we are as hot for each other now as when we first met.
So I'm probably not the best to advise on this as it seems natural. However in my previous relationship things definitely started to cool down after 3-4 years.
Bascially I think each relationship is unique and only the participants know what each other requires to keep the fires burning. But you constantly hear from panel shows and the like that couples have to "work" at the relationship. I think they are over simplying the situation, I imagine this is relative if you only see each other rarely ( i.e if you both have busy lives which I'm sure these pannelists have so in a way they are talking about their own lives ) but if you see your partner every day ,every evening etc.. to me its more a case of whether you still respect each other and have a lot in common. If you dont find the same things funny, share similar interests or even take an interest in what your partner enjoys ( offering encouragement etc )then I think you are facing a difficult task. You need to like each other to start with.
From what you are saying it sounds as though you are putting in all the effort and your husband is putting in none. You should try and talk to him about it and dont let him wave you off.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Are you pulling more weight than your spouse?
Relationships do take work, but not so much to freak you out. Two people in a marriage with kids and everything else going on is not suppose to make it harder. Each one had different strengths. If they exercise their strengths in the marriage it will be easier than one pulling more than the other. It is always 50/50, nope and isn't suppose to be. I know someone who house cleaning it's 70/30, and yes the man is the 70. But as far as that goes, it works. He is also an extremely tidy person. I would say almost OCD, but he is in remission. Same with cooking, he does most of it and has food ready for his wife when she gets home because he gets off earlier than she does and loves to cook. She pulls more weight financially than he does. So it's balanced.
I really don't believe relationships have to be a huge chore. Instead of making them work, think of it as managing the relationship. Look at corporate America. Don't you have many levels of management? Without the managed structure, many businesses would crumble if a portion of that would be eliminated, or if their duties weren't being performed.
All though you have kids and jobs. Don't forget you're not married to them, you still have to pay attention your marriage.
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Yes, true love can last for longer than 5-7 years. But I'm sorry, it takes work. All the time, for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I don't believe that is the truth.
Definition of New: of recent origin, production, purchase, etc. having but lately come or been brought into being
In that definition alone both men and women don't feel the new love feeling forever. Statistically it lasts usually under a year.
And in every relationship there is a VERY natural ebb and flow. There will be time you love the person, days you want to be alone, nights you can't live without them, and maybe a week here and there where you are severly irritated by everything they do; But isn't that true of everything we love, even ourselves!
Anything and everything worth having is work to get and takes work to maintain, it wouldn't be worth it if it we're easy. Without suffering there would be no happiness, right?
And spouses are meant to help eachother and support one another, but we are human and can be selfish at times. Be understanding, treat eachother how you would like to be treated and communicate communicate communicate (maybe evern write a letter, and remember you don't have to act on every feeling. We are women afterall and we have to deal with hormones. )
Get everything out between the two of you and figure out a game plan. But make sure its something you know will work (not just sounds good) Take baby steps, keep a goal in mind, and have hope and comfort in your love for eachother.
Stay positive, show you're love, get out and do new things to get your mind off of the mundane routine, you're not alone. Maybe even pray a little
Good luck
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