A
female
age
30-35,
*rincessmamma
writes:I find myself feeling very lonely when im not talking with my gf. I think about her constantly and lately cuz of the bad weather, I haven't been able to see her. It's driving me crazy. Idk what to do. I have been getting headaches from thinking about her too much. I don't talk to anyone but her and ..ugh, it's really getting to me!!! I know she's busy with her family but I can't stop thinking about her. I've texted her and called her a few times, but no reply. We were supposed to go home tonight and spend time together. We got in an argument this morning and I'm afraid shes mad at me. What can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Hi
Sorry I am going through the same emotions as you. However what I can say is that you're and myself are our own worst enemies...
Yes it's true, the moment you realize that thinking about someone so much is unhealthy and could be terrible for your relationship. She's with her family and although this may sound tough but you need to show her you have one too.
It's very unattractive to be that way, and the moment you do that you'll see. Don't ignore her that not what I'm but just be cool. :)
Hope that helped, and now to practice what I preach :)
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 December 2010):
Hi. You're very welcome. Glad to be able to help.
Please let me know if you ever want a second opinion in future. Just run it by me anyway.
I love to make a difference in people's lives. It's my passion and it gives my life a sense of purpose.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Princessmamma +, writes (30 November 2010):
Princessmamma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i do wonder that all the time. Thats great advice to put it in the back of my head so thank u for the help :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 November 2010):
Hi. Perhaps you could tell her (respectfully), that you feel as though you might be losing her. That it's in the back of your mind, each time they talk to each other.
Don't get angry or upset when you say this - stay calm.
When you say that, you are being open and honest about your feelings and telling her exactly what is the real problem and what concerns you the most.
Because I feel it's not just that she is speaking to her ex, but you are also wondering if it means something more than just idle chat.
You are wondering this, aren't you? Who wouldn't be? I mean, anyone would be concerned. No matter how well she treats you and talks to you, just the fact that she is still keeping contact with her ex, is like is she really an ex - or not?
You would think that if a relationship is over, well then it's over completely, surely.
Do you know who calls who? Or is it a bit of both?
I do realize of course, that sometimes once an actual relationship is over - as far as romance is concerned - two people can still remain friends, although ONLY friends and nothing more than that.
And I'm sure that this is what you are wondering about, definitely.
Once a relationship is over, really it's healthy to be over completely - no halfway measures. It's on or it's off. Nothing in between. This is why you feel some doubt about it all.
I guess from now on, each time they talk on the phone, just act nonchalant (like it doesn't bother you). Then once the conversation is finished, try not to ask her any questions about it - although this will be difficult, I realize. The point I am really making here, is you don't want her to see you becoming jealous or anxious about this ex and starting to ask all sorts of questions etc. and getting upset or angry about it - each time they talk.
I know this is much easier than it sounds, but I do feel that this is necessary for you to do. Because you don't want to push her back to her ex again.
So instead of feeling unsure of your standing in the relationship, and thinking and wondering if you should feel threatened by this, it would be much better for you to just concentrate on what's great about your relationship with her, instead.
Don't go overboard with being extra nice, because that could make you seem needy or desperate, and you don't want that. Just be like you have always been towards her, and be loving, kind and respectful, just like this ex had never come back on the scene.
Unless your girlfriend ever does anything that really makes you wonder what's going on - something out of the ordinary, something out of character for her, or becomes very secretive about her movements, or doesn't like you asking her a simple question - I really wouldn't worry about it.
In other words, trust her completely - unless she gives you reason not to.
Because although you probably have a lot of trust towards her already, it's just that this ex hanging around now (in whatever capacity), has just put some little doubts into your mind at the moment. This is normal.
As long as your and your girlfriend both love and trust each other, and get along really well together, and are very happy and comfortable in each other's company, then as long as nothing changes about these things, there's no reason why you shouldn't remain very happy together.
Sometimes when things like this happen, the other person in the relationship who feels threatened by an ex for instance, can spend almost all of their time trying to figure out if they themselves, have done anything wrong, and they can become consumed by self doubt and losing some trust, and then this actually becomes the problem. It kind of takes on a life of it's own, if you get what I mean.
That's why I was suggesting about just keeping your relationship as good as it always was, and thereby taking some of the focus off this ex, and then everything between you will be as great as it ever was - or better!
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A
female
reader, Princessmamma +, writes (29 November 2010):
Princessmamma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBack on track thank u for the advice. The thing thats still bugging me is we had a conversation about how i feel about her talking to her ex. She said im going to have to deal with it bcuz shes going to talk to her an if i dont like it oh well. They had been together six years and she said shes not just gonna drop her on her ass. She also said the reason why she goes outside to talk to her on the phone is bcuz she knows what they talk about will hurt my feelings. She also said some of what they say is not my business. We talked n got over it and i just gave up on the subject bcuz ive talked to her about it so many times and im done trying n i dont wanna lose her. But in the end she made dinner for me and we had a great romantic time last nite. We woke up this morning not wanting to part. But this about her ex im afraid is still on my mind
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 November 2010):
Hello again. You do need to talk to her about it, to sort things out and settle any misunderstandings.
As you have said that she didn't answer your text messages yet, I would say don't send any more now for the time being.
Give her some time to think about everything and get back to you.
Perhaps give her a few days to a week or two at the most. If you don't want to wait two weeks, just wait one week - that's fairly reasonable.
Perhaps then if nothing heard, you could call her instead of texting. Texting is so restrictive and you just can't say all that you want to without the other person taking things out of context sometimes.
Especially because of how people abbreviate and some things just don't get said at all. Plus, you can't tell what mood the sender was in when they wrote it. More misinterpretations. The same thing can also happen with sending emails.
It's always much more personal to talk on the phone, so you can hear each other's voice and know what mood they are in by their voice tone, so it's much easier to have a talk.
The even better way of course, is to call her (on the phone - don't text her), be friendly and respectful, and ask her if you can come over and could you talk. Tell her that your relationship with her is very important to you, and you do need to talk about what happened.
Then go from there.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Princessmamma +, writes (28 November 2010):
Princessmamma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u. I think we r going to break up bcuz of some drama that happened. Ure right with ure answer though and to be honest thats hard for me to admitt.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 November 2010):
Hi there. You need to give her some space. That's what is making her angry at you.
You both need some space. Too much time spent together becomes suffocating and can destroy all the good things there used to be.
You do need to have some time doing things with other people - friends, family. This adds freshness to a relationship and also gives you both more things to talk about. It will make your time together much more interesting if you do this on a regular basis.
What you are describing here, is an unhealthy obsession you have. An emotional dependence on her, which if you are not careful, it might chase her away from you altogether. It also makes you appear needy and desperate, like it's her responsibility to make you happy.
She clearly, seems to be feeling this pressure.
It's up to us to make ourselves happy - no-one else. It's entirely up to us.
It's ok to want someone in your life to share it with. It's entirely another to NEED someone, for you to survive and function properly. This becomes very unhealthy indeed. What that does, is put them in control of you on an emotional level, because everything they do and say influences every single day of your life - in some way. You lose your independence. You would also be very unhappy, with many very anxious moments - as you are seeing right now.
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