A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:[OP original title]I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years but I know I am not in love with him. My previous relationship left a deep wound in my heart and he was the first person to make me feel whole again and something inside me just won't let me walk away.Recently I reconnected with a friend I met years before my boyfriend who I was instantly attracted to when I met him but never pursued it because he is 12 years younger than me. Over the years we've sporadically kept in touch over the phone but nothing more. However, we suddenly decided to meet up after 5 years of phone contact. Three weeks later, we're both smitten there has been no physical contact or even kissing.I think my boyfriend knows I don't love him but is deeply in love with me. I don't know if I should give up a loving boyfriend whose family loves me and my difficult parents love him for a 25 year old who may tire of me in a few months and is younger than one of my father's grandchildren? i feel sick at the thought of hurting my boyfriend.I am 34, not married and have no children but the younger man and I have liked each other for years and he has given me the butterflies I used to get once again. But I'm afraid I would be giving up everything for a relationship that turns into nothing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Yeah, you have a lot of work to do on your self. There is something wrong if you feel empty in a relationship that you needed to "make you whole", and now you feel nothing. There is a problem if you equate true love with butterflies and intensity. That's not love, in fact if you feel that intensity it may be a red flag that you have just met someone who is disordered and is hooking you in due to your vulnerability and emptiness.
You can't really love anyone until you really love you and are a whole person all on your own. You may say, well I am a whole person, but from what you have indicated here, you don't deeply know who you are or what you want nor believe that you deserve to be happy. You do, and I don't know whether a 25 year old that took five years to meet up with you and is suddenly, impulsively smitten, is the way to go. Do you?
To be fair to your boyfriend, if you have nothing to give him, don't love him and are just marking time, be kind and set him free to find the real relationship he deserves.
Then get to work on YOU. Put your focus on you, life is not about having a man to complete you, that leaves you open to manipulation even abuse, and worse an empty life and spirit. You were hurt in the past, get some therapy and work on your core issues, it will be the kindest thing you do for yourself. Don't waste years searching in another person what you need to find in yourself.
A
female
reader, jhpcoal  +, writes (11 July 2010):
Just wanted to let you know I feel the same way as you do right now. It is an awful feeling. I completely understand. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntieGeorgia +, writes (11 July 2010):
 Heyaah,
i think either way it is unfair to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend on the bases that he loves you even when you dont feel the same, i think the only thing thats keeping you together is you feeling scared of change and not having him there anymore, its obvious you really care about your boyfriend but you dont want to lead him on.
and as for this old friend age shouldnt matter and if your this smitten by him, you may regret it if you dont give things ago, and the chance wont be there forever. Even if things dont go well it sounds like you'll have alot of fun on the way! And how people feel about the age difference doesnt matter aslong as your ok with it.
if your going to break up with your boyfriend just be gentle and understanding, and just to warn you asking to stay friends may be hard for him because he cares for you.
what ever you decide good luck,
i hope it goes well.
Love Georgia xxx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 July 2010):
You must leave your boyfriend. You don't love him at all, and it's unfair to keep him around like a lap dog. He's just your safety blanket and nothing else. That's it. It'll only be a matter of time before you cheat with this other guy or another guy. Your boyfriend is a good guy, and you need to have the respect to let him go and find someone who will love him. You can't just hang on to him until you find someone so you can ditch him. That will cause him more pain. It's time you stepped up to the mark and let this boyfriend go. He will not appreciate being played around. You know you don't love him, so it's time to leave. Yes, the younger guy may well tire of you. But I'm seeing an older woman, and I'm certainly not tired of her at all. Far from it. So take a chance. But don't continue to see your boyfriend when you know you don't love him. That's not fair, and it will drag your reputation down if it comes out.
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