A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im going to get right to the point. Ive never had an orgasm. I cant masturbate. Tried before, and it doesnt feel good at all, and I feel awkward doing it. It has to be pitch dark for me to try, otherwise I feel like someone is watching me even though I live alone. Ive tried having sex many time, but its too painful. The guy can only get the tip in, and the pain too much. Ive been examined by a doctor, they said everything is all right "down there". I am small, but not so small I need surgery. The problem must be in my mind, but Ive nothing unusual in my past. Ive not been sexually abused or anything, so I cant figure out what would cause me to be this way. The thing is, I think about sex all the time. I get jealous whenever someone talks about it, or when I see happy couples, because I assume they have great sex. I think about sex over every guy I find attractive, and I start to feel aroused. If I try to take care of myself, nothing. I lose the feeling, and am left unsatisfied. The guys are still on my mind, too. Sometimes I even obsess over one in particular. I get angry if he doesnt like me back, and even more angry if I think he has his eye on someone else. I have 4 questions now. 1: Should I go to a sex therapist and try to get to the root of this problem? The only things stopping me so far are money and embarrassment. Im the only person I know of who is like this, so I feel embarrassed.2: Is it possible Im asexual? I have kind of ruled that out simply because I do get attracted to a lot of guys, and I like the idea of having sex with them. 3: Can never getting sexual relief drive a woman insane, or be harmful to her health? I ask because I think about sex so much its affected me at work and made it so I cant concentrate. Its also caused social anxiety for me. 4: Is my need to get relief what causing me to obsess over guys, and get angry with them? I also feel so jealous if I think of them masturbating or having sex. Thank you to those who take the time to answer this. I desperately need a solution. I really feel like Im insane.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 July 2013):
Dear OP,
I don't think you're asexual and I also don't think it's unhealthy if you can't orgasm. But it's definitely bothering you, so yes, if sex therapy is an option, why not? You don't want to spend more and more years dealing with the same issue and if this a thing that could help, just give it a try. I agree it might be embarrassing the first time to go there, but chances are a sex therapist is trained with problems like these and doesn't find this topic unusual or embarrassing.
By the way, you're not alone with that problem. I have a friend who dealt with the same issue (I don't know if she found a solution for it).
Maybe that's a stupid question, but could it be that you're using the wrong technique to masturbate? I mean, these things don't always come with intuition. I learnt one or two things on how to touch myself by reading sex ed books or watching tantra massage videos. There are also books about female sexuality e.g. by Shere Hite that I found really helpful. Just to gain self-confidence.
Anyway, no matter what steps you're going to take next - don't put yourself down because of this. There are so many people who are unhappy with their sex life for one reason or another.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (13 July 2013):
 Let me take a stab at these.
1) sure, you can try to go to a sex therapist. Price would be my deterrent, but if you can afford it, then go for it. Obviously they deal with sex related difficulties all day so having another sex issued client is par for the course ie. nothing to be embarassed about.
2) I don't think you're asexual cause like you said you do have sexual feelings. I think asexual people are just numb to sexual feelings.
3/4) I think this is really key. You seem to be obsessed with sex, and that's the real problem. It's not necessarily sexual release, but you have addictive qualities about something you have ever experienced (no offense). My sisters both have some clinical anxieties. My younger one gets nauseous. She gets nervous about being nervous, which means she gets nauseous about the prospect of being nauseous. My older sister has insomnia. She worries so much about not being able to sleep she can't sleep. Is there physical attributes to these issues? Yes, there's a nugget of physical symptoms at the center, and maybe the physical issues started first but the psychological internalization of What These Symptoms Mean for us is what does us in and exacerbates the very thing we seek to remove from our lives.
Follow up questions: how was sex addressed in your family? Have you bought a vibrator to see if you like things that way (some people just don't jive with their own hands)? Have you tried placing yourself in different environments so you don't feel like you're being watched (ex: bathtub, music or TV on, putting candles around the room and creating a safe environment for you to feel sensual)?
Other thoughts:
I had serious trouble physically losing my virginity, I was super tight and I wasn't feeling like I was tensing up. What I eventually did was use things that were wide enough to be a penis (example: dildo). I think you need to try to let go of defining yourself by sex or lack thereof.
Take vaginal penetration out of the equation for a while, give yourself a week or two to really concertedly not think about sex, and then try working on just stroking externally to see if you feel anything stimulating. DON'T make things a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you aren't feeling anything yet, doesn't mean everything is over, or it's the same old same old, or that you're broken. What it means is that your body hasn't allowed you to feel these things, or you have not been able to receive the messages of pleasure, because you're just overthinking everything that's happening and it will take you a while to 'reprogram'. You are so pent up with just WANTING Things to Happen that your body shuts down and gives up. That doesn't mean you don't seek your pleasure as activities are occurring, but what it means is that sex is all about letting go- of control, of worry, of overanalyzing things that are happening. If this method doesn't work, THEN try the therapy.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 July 2013):
They actually did a whole True Life episode on exactly what you're talking about on MTV. It followed several women that have the same problem you described and how it was affected their sex lives and their relationships. http://www.mtv.com/videos/true-life-i-cant-have-sex/1653589/playlist.jhtml
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