A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can't get over my husband's confession of being "obsessed" by another woman.A couple of months ago, a close female friend of ours confessed to my husband that she was in love with him and wanted to have a physical affair too (all in the same conversation). My husband could not keep this from me and told me right away (which is good).What is not so good is that a few weeks before this happened, I saw my husband and this woman starring at each other lovingly. I looked the other woman right in the eyes to break off the stare. That night, I even confronted my husband about it and he had brushed it off.When this woman made her confession to my husband, and he told me, I instantly remembered that look they exchanged. My husband was so upset about what had happened and even admitted he had been obsessed with her, but that it was only because he felt comfortable with her. Since that day, we have shut this woman completely out of our lives. My question is, is it normal that I am still upset or question my husband's internal feelings. I know he was faithful to me but there are days where this still shocks me and I feel betrayed. I think in a twisted way, this also bothers me because I once exchanged a "look" with someone, but I immediately shut him out of my life before it went any further. The big difference here is that I think these encounters my husband was having were going on for months without me knowing (no physical affair) but a mutual exchange of potential looks on a daily basis (we were all close friends). I also found out that this woman who made her confession actually has a history of hitting on married men and she probably knew exactly how to get my husband in that "comfort" zone he referred to. She was very manipulative. I just cannot believe this has happened as I feel someone infiltrated my marriage, even if in a small way. It was significant enough for me to feel betrayed. Some of you may say that there might be an inherent weakness in our own marriage for this to have happened. My husband even said this. But the thing is, I find that most of the marital weakness stems form some incompatibility issues between me and my husband, even though I love him very much. Can someone help me see this a little clearer?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Sometimes people have problems in a marriage and don't know how to address them. They get swept under the rug; because it's uncomfortable to discuss them openly. This could be due to insecurity, pride, or fear of hearing the total truth.Well, you know a truth that is killing you inside. Anyone in your shoes would feel exactly the same way. You have a right to be furious. Then you should get the anger out of your system; and then get to the route of the problem.Your husband said there may be an "inherent weakness" in your marriage. Are you strong enough to have him elaborate on what he feels to be wrong, and what would make him feel he'd have to look outside his marriage to find better? Like most people, you'd avoid the criticism; or take it in a negative way. Therefore; you'd rather stew over it than face it head-on. Don't worry. There are two-sides to every story. For every action there is a cause. There are two people in your marriage; and both of you do things that hurt one, or deny the other.You fear he'd say you're inadequate in someway, and that would lower your self-esteem, and put a dent in your ego.In effect, you'd see him as saying some other woman was better to him than you are. If that's true, wouldn't you want to know how and why? I would.Being offended by the truth would be missing the point.There is something he needs from you, and he looked for it somewhere else. It isn't always just sex, it may be more emotional, yet still related to sex. Marital and relationship problems are complex. There is cause and effect,as I mentioned. There may be several issues that create one big problem. Like a scientific experiment; you have to break it down, and study it in parts. You also have to keep notes.Oh, over the course of a marriage; everyone is going to face fidelity issues. Marriage gets routine, boring, and lack excitement. Sex is the same-old, same-old. Everybody gets horny for another sexy person. Anyone who says they don't is lying. You just don't act on the impulse, and jump on every opportunity that presents itself. You took vows that you wouldn't yield to temptations. You didn't promise not to be human.Everyone is going to say, go to a therapist for counseling. Why is it so hard for two people who see each other naked everyday, sleep side-by-side, make children; yet can't be honest and frank with each-other. Discussions turn into arguments. You can't hear the real problem for the insults and degrading verbal attacks. You fight, but you don't talk. You express rage and emotion; but you exchange no logic. To set an example, you may never sit down and say: "Sex was good. It was boring; because I didn't climax. I like kissing, but you just went for it, and left me hanging. You got yours, I didn't get mine. That's why I don't like it too often."Instead, you roll over and go to sleep. Next time, you'll lie there until it's over. Silently hurt and pissed off.He'll ignore you, when you need his opinion. Or ignore your opinion, when he needs it.Neither of you will ever tell each other. You'll politely shrug it off. It will come back, only full of anger and vindication. Truth full of venom is not the truth, it's a weapon of mass destruction. It's too toxic to be therapeutic.I learned from the earnest and frank discussions that my parents had, and always noticed how they released tension and always seemed so close. It worked for me, and I maintained a happy relationship for 28 years. My partner died of cancer. I always opened up when I had a problem.Like it or not. Somehow; it drew compromise, and it got resolved. I had to listen, even if I didn't want to. I didn't always like what I heard. It helped me to see things I purposely avoided, because of pride or arrogance.You know her history. So what? It's more important that you know what's going on with your husband. He looked lovingly across the table at someone else. You need to get inside his head, and get the truth. Then you have to grow the stones to deal with it. Afterwards; tell him how you feel, need, and what you aren't getting from him on your end.This stuff takes practice. It's hard as hell. Most people think divorce is the only resort. It should be the last resort, if love exists.People expect their partners to read their minds. The truth hurts, but a lie can only hide it for so long. Denial doesn't save relationships. It prolongs the agony.A lot of pain and ugly truth will come out. It will heal. It will restore trust. It will resolve these "inherent weaknesses" that plague; and eventually. erode a marriage.You can bury your problems, spend thousands on counseling;but if you can't handle (or tell) the truth, you're wasting time and money. You're afraid of what your husband may reveal, if you dig deeper. His confession is only on the surface. You can't get over it; because you have questions that you're afraid to ask. So you fill in the holes with speculation, and your own version of truth.Gather some courage and fight for your man; or kick his ass to the curb. Whatever action brings you satisfaction.If you don't like what you discover; then find the tools to repair your marriage, or to end it. Living in the dark is scary and miserable. Living in a bubble, isn't going to protect your feelings for very long. His confession is going to eat at you, and you'll act out in anger. I know the feeling; because I've been there.He's a jerk; because he has a lot of nerve. His "in-your-face" confession was bordering confrontational.You backed off. You presume they haven't done anything; but suspect otherwise. Whether they did or didn't, doesn't matter as much as what is going on between them now. Put these issues to rest. You'll get over it when you get the answers plaguing your mind. Does he still love you, or is it just a matter of time before he admits more is going on than he has confessed so far? Obsession is a very strong emotion. It's a compulsive preoccupation. He can't get her lady-parts out of his mind. Why don't you help him out?Find yourself a good divorce attorney, that often helps.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 October 2013):
Unfortunately, I think complete and total fidelity is VERY rare in a marriage. And it's only natural that your husband had a little crush (he calls it obsession) for someone else. People like it when the opposite see likes them, it's just reality.
As previously stated, you should be happy he (apparently) voluntarily told you everything instead of secretly cheating. He's really only guilty of being a human being.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 They may have a secret "fling" going on and he may have told you what he did to try to divert your suspisions away from the real truth, i'd keep a closer lookout for more interaction. In the meantime, I'd wear him out in bed to let him know where the real woman resides.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): I admire both of you. You put yourself in his shoes and had that look too some time ago. You know where he is coming from. Now its his turn and he has been open honest and from my point of view a true gentleman in an awful situation for you. He has a conscience. I have a feeling this experience will draw you both closer. You both see this woman for what she is. Evil. Your marriage is strong and honest and pure. Love your husband and love yourself for being able to forgive and understand. There is no harm done here. No deal breaker either. Give it time. You have something very special.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 You did not mention how long you've been married, but I've known people to develop crushes on other people after being married a long time. The crushes develop not because there is something lacking in the marriage. It's more about the ego. Do I still have it? Am I still attractive and desirable? I think it was more of an ego boost for your husband. You are very fortunate to be married to a man who would tell you about it and not cheat. Count your blessings. Doesn't a part of you feel proud of the fact that other women still swoon over your hubby? You have him. You have his love, fidelity and commitment. You are a lucky woman.
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