A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years, and lately things haven't been going well. She tends to control me and I tend to resist by just dropping out which only makes things worse. Out of subconscious spite I'll do things that I know will make matters worse and then when it blows up I just withdraw and appoligze and hope things go back to the way they were. She dictates how the relationship goes and whenever i try to tell her how I feel I can't articulate it properly and she just throws everything back at me and makes me think its all my fault.Granted lately it is all my fault, but it wasn't always like that. She hates my family, and she depends on me entirely. We are both 20 years old and started dating Senior Year in High School. When we went to college, we went to different schools and tried to make it work. After one semester she decided she couldn't live without me, and against everything I told her and said I wanted, she transfered to my school. I've kind of held that against her all these years, and when we fight about our social lives, all that comes into my mind is that if we went to different school things would be different. She has no friends, so in effect all of my friends are her friends, which means I can NEVER go hang out without her without "excluding" her. If she had just stayed at her school she could see her friends and I mine.We spend all of our time together, almost drowning me. I don't work out anymore, I don't play sports anymore, all we do is sit together and watch TV, when I try to recommend we do something, if its not what she wants to do I have to hear a guilt trip about how "it's fine, I'll just sit here while you go do what you want."The worst part is that I am totally and 100% committed, and keep getting more committed as time goes on. We recently moved in together, signed a 1 year lease on an apartment, and we also got a dog. So now breaking up with her means I have to not only find a place to live, but move all my stuff out and somehow work out an ammicable payment for the rest of the lease (we each pay half the rent). And then what do I do about the dog? I love the dog but I can't take her alone, and I don't think she can either, so by me breaking up with her I abandon the dog, which kills me. Its not like we don't try. We have good weeks and bad weeks, but its when we come home to our family that its really bad. We live normally 3 hours away, so when we come home we take the dog, and my dad doesn't allow dogs in his house so it ends up being that I rarely spend time with him, and rather with her family. He knows this and so does the rest of my family, so they start to resent my girlfriend (Why he won't just let me bring the fucking dog over idk, hed prefer to be childish and bitch about it). So this animosity only grows every time i come home because I spend 90% of my time at her house, and split the last 10% between my dad and mom (both our families are divorced so its like that movie 4 christmases every god damn time). When we first started dating she didn't like my friends and came out and said I had to choose between my friends and her. I didn't like that but wanted to make it work, so I chose her and I see my HS friends once a year pretty much. Now I feel like shes making me choose between her and my family and I don't think I can choose her. I really don't know what to do. I can't just "break up with her." But i can't wait until our lease is up because then chances are I'll just get more comitted in some other way. What do I do? I've never cheated on her (and I think shes never cheated on me), but I think about other girls all the time. I don't really find myself attracted to her, all I see are our fights and her bitchiness. Can anyone help me?
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cheated on me, christmas, divorce, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (25 November 2010):
 (sorry I clicked the button and wasn't thru :) )
find something seperate to do. The process of finding yourself is very painful, and very difficult. You will have days when you don't think you can do it. But you will never feel like your own person until you do it.
If you make friends and she throws a fit, you just have to do it anyway. Be strong, be firm. Try to put in the time, and when your time is up, move out and become your own person. You need to start now, by developing seperate lives, and planning financially for the future break.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (25 November 2010):
This is not healthy for either of you. I had a friendship that got really out of hand, too intense and too much time spent together. She fortunately realized it and figured out that things had to change. It took several weeks of no contact, and even now, things are a little difficult...but we are finding our way into a much more healthy friendship.
You have got to find a way to put some space between you. Make and go out with your own friends. Its a must in any healthy relationship. You both need to not be totally dependent on one another for your happiness. Any time a relationship evolves to the point that neither of you can function without the other, it is totally unhealthy.
Take some classes, do something
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