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female
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anonymous
writes: Can someone tell me what is wrong with my Dad and how I can get around this problem we’re having because it is seriously affecting me in that I can’t form relationships with men (by that I mean boyfriend/girlfriend relationships)? From my teenage years until now (early 30’s), my Dad has been the cause of so much anger and depression in my life. It has been torture. He spent many years not talking to me even though we live under the same roof. The most recent episode lasted for 2 years. Can you imagine living like this with someone for even a week, let alone 2 years? Even when I tried initiating conversations with him he wouldn’t answer so I gave up in the end. Even to this day he has not even had the decency to explain why he does this and just carries on like nothing has happened. I think he has been extremely lucky to have a model daughter who doesn’t smoke, do drugs, drink to excess or sleep around (I have told him this) and yet he seems to be punishing me all the time by doing this. I always let him back into my life but then he does it again. At the moment he is talking to me but I wonder when the next time is going to come. This behaviour has taken an extremely huge toll on my mental health (severe depression, extremely low self esteem and self-worth). I wish I could just up sticks and move out but I have no money so I have to stay here otherwise live on the streets. He always has the upper hand, too. He knows I have very little money so everytime he worms his way back into my affections by buying me things he knows I need. This time he has offered me money to help me set up my business. He tells me he wants nothing more than to see me happy in life (yet he is one of the main causes of my unhappiness) and yet his actions are the complete opposite. This is just totally messing with my head. He seems to think these episodes are normal and is so wrapped up in self pity he doesn’t see what a profound effect his behaviour is having on my mental health.. He only likes to see how unlucky he is in life which is rubbish because he has so much to be thankful for.The main problem for me has been that because of how I now feel, I can’t form relationships with men. . It doesn’t matter how much my friends tell me what a wonderful person I am, I always think I am not worth anything because of the way my Dad has treated me.As a consequence of all these problems, I haven’t been out with a man for 9 years!!! I want nothing more than to move out, to marry the love of my life and have kids, and realise that if I don’t address these issues soon then it is going to be too late. I have met a guy I really like (and my Dad does too which, in itself, is nothing short of a miracle! I haven’t told my Dad that I like this guy because my Dad has always tried to destroy any relationship I have had with a guy). I think I may already have destroyed my chances with this guy anyway, because I cannot express myself. How can I ever expect a guy to like me when I am outwardly so cold towards them? This guy has hinted that he likes me but because I think ‘Oh, I’m just imagining he likes me’ I don’t act on his hints. (If he were to ask me out directly, I would have absolutely no hesitation in saying yes). When he asks me questions, I give a one word answer even though I am dying to say more. I have absolutely no flirting skills either. What sort of things do you say when you flirt? The thought that I may never see this guy again actually makes me feel suicidal. An example of my Dad’s behavior is that a male friend of the family came over this evening (not the one I want to go out with) and my Dad actually physically blocked our paths so we had to talk to each other by craning our heads around him (it must have looked ridulous but I was determined I wasn’t going to let Dad win). This friend and I were having a light hearted conversation about my new job at a medical centre and the conversation was going really well. I was feeling really happy because I was actually talking to a guy and then my Dad destroyed it all by talking about really negative things like I would probably have loads of murderers, rapists and drug addicts coming in at the medical centre. It bore no relevance to the light hearted nature of the conversation and seemed a totally weird and inapproriate thing to say (and made me feel nervous about the job) and, not longer after my Dad’s comments, my friend made his excuses and left. This is what my Dad does with my relationships and friendships - he makes the other person feel so uncomfortable that they leave. After my friend left, I heard my Dad say all these negative comments about this male friend to my Mum. I was absolutely furious but I keep all my anger in because if I challenge Dad on anything he will just say I was imaging it, so now I think I imagine everything (including guy’s fancying me!). Should I create a scene when my Dad does it again (I never have done before because I’ve thought it will just make me look bad)?I have discussed these issues with a person I know who says it sounds like my Dad is intensely jealous, but of what? Has anyone else experienced these problems and how have they dealt with them? Can an amazing agony aunt answer all the questions I have posed?!?
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female
reader, lacemaker  +, writes (25 February 2011):
I'm very sorry to hear your story. It sounds like your Dad has a mental illness. His behaviour is not normal at all. He could have bi-polar, which might explain the episodes where he doesn't talk to you for ages. But he could be trying to punish you for all sorts of imaginary reasons. If his thoughts are odd then he will behave oddly.
I can quite see why you struggle with relationships, if that is what your home experience has been like. It sounds to me like you would be fine with other people if you could throw off the hang-ups your weird Dad has given you. You are not imagining things, he is very bizarre and behaving rather than a jealous pet might, standing in between you and your friend like that.
People who seek to manipulate others often claim that their 'victim' is imagining things or making things up. Essentially, they are denying what the victim knows to be true. Your Dad doesn't want to lose influence over you so he tries to manipulate you like this. It is important you get some help if you can, counselling, therapy of some sort, not because there is anything wrong with you, but because of the pressures you face from your Dad.
To a certain extent I have an idea what you are experiencing. As children, we are reliant on our parents to 'interpret' the outside world for us - you know, as in "this is a dog", or "this is fun, it's not scary". We have to trust our parents know what they are talking about. Mostly it's true too, if our parents are not disturbed. If they are, as in your case where your Dad is clearly disturbed, you are having to disentangle his untruths from reality. It could take a while. Therapy might help with this.
You sound like a lovely, normal woman who is doing well for herself. Your Dad should be proud of you. He's not because there is something wrong with him. People will like you and some of them will be genuine and caring. It sounds like this man you met wants to get to know you. I think you'll need to explain the situation to him. It might even help you to get his perspective on the situation. Rest assured, the problem is not you, but your Dad.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): To harsh but fair, thank you for living up to your name and giving a forthright opinion on my posting. Whilst i appreciate many of your comments, perhaps I didn't express myself clearly enough. Despite my Dad's behavioiur, I do actually love my Dad very much and part of loving my Dad is that I wanted to understand why my Dad acts like he does. Does anyone else have any ideas? Oh, by the way, harsh but fair, I have been doing all I can to move out and seem to be constantly hitting my head against a brick wall on that one. But I will continue trying.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (18 December 2005):
 This is very sad.
There is an insidious disease that some people suffer from.
I see and hear these people on a daily basis. They are the people who are complaining about their boss and how everyone else got promoted but them. They are complaining about how their wife / husband holds them back and makes them miserable. They complain that a certain event in their past has ruined their lives and has made them unable to move forwards. They complain about how they would do x, y and z but their health is not so good. Or they lack money. Or friends. Or happiness. You get the picture.
These people are always looking for someone or something to blame. I'm afraid to say that I have diagnosed you with "excusitis".
You are blaming your Dad for not having dated a guy for nine years but you need to look closer to home.
Your Dad isn't to blame. YOU are to blame. You can't change your your Dad but you can make changes yourself. Let me quote something back at you:
"My Dad has been the cause of so much anger and depression in my life. It has been torture. He spent many years not talking to me even though we live under the same roof."
The solution is in there. WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL LIVING WITH THIS GUY WHO MAKES YOUR LIFE A MISERY? You're in your thirties woman. You should have moved out of home 12 years ago. That is twelve wasted years.
Move out. Not next month. Not next year. This week.
No doubt you don't have enough money? Stop making excuses! Get a better job! Save! Move in with friends and share the rent! I don't believe for a second you couldn't if you didn't want to.
If you want to take the first positive step towards living the rest of your life rather than it being an ONGOING MISERY and BLAME GAME move out this very week. I dare you.
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