A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please can anyone out there help me. After twenty years of marrage my wife had an affair and it has destroyed our marrage.I absolutely adored the woman and this has devastated me . I am only a shell of the man i used to be.I am now smoking heavly including hash after quiting for ten years also i have become a heavy drinker. I actually had a mental breakdown for the first time in my life after discovering my wifes affair. I have now left my home but i am finding it very hard to cope on my own. Due to my breakdown i am unable to work so i spend most of the day thinking of my wife having sex with this orther man and it is driving me crazy. My wife says that she is still in love with me and that she only had sex once with this man in a hotel room. but i just cant seem to get the image out of my head also because she told me so many lies i find it very hard to believe that she only had sex with him once. I know she deeply regrets all the hurt she has caused me and our children. If i could only get those images out of my head i might be able to forgive her but right now i cant. Sometimes i feel if it were not for my children i would not want to go on. Can anyone advise me the best way to cope with these images as i am hurting very badly.
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female
reader, marriedchick  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 my first gut to tell you would be to leave her and move on, because you are right to not trust her anymore if she really loved you she would not mess around on you it would not be your fault if you never trusted her again or even if you did the same as her. but you are married and with kids so i would say ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving, if so you would have to talk to her and work together to get your trust for her back in order, for a relationship with no trust is misery and if she doesnt want to take these steps with you then i could not tell you that you would ever be happy again with those thoughts forever in your head.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): Hi OP, what is your progress? have you managed to get the help we suggested.
how are your kids doing?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): Boo22 you think he needs a "wake up call?"
Would you tell a crippled person that he needs to get off his ass and stop being too lazy to walk, too?
Retroactive jealousy is not a conscious choice on the part of the person. This guy is crying out for help. It's just cruel to blame him for it as if he were consciously doing this to himself on purpose.
It's like telling a rape victim that they must have "brought it on themselves" and telling them to "wake up" and stop dressing so provocatively.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Hi, hope you're ok. On one level my heart goes out to 100%. If i were in your shoes i'd be devastated.
On the other hand torturing yourself endlessly mentally with these hideous thoughts, coupled with the boozing and the hash smacks of too much self pity and wallowing in your misery.
You really love this woman, she says she still loves you. So why not put all your energys into rebuilding your relationship with her instead of self destructing?
You've got children for pitys sake. What sort of a father does this? Get a grip and get some help, like marriage counselling or therapy.
Take some positive action and get a positive outcome.
Sorry to sound harsh, but you sound like you need a wake up call. good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Stop giving your ex-wife that much power over your life.
I understand that smoking hash and drinking have momentarily masked to pain of the betrayal of your wife, BUT in all fairness she did NOT make you pick up the pipe or the bottle THAT was your choice.
It is time to stop wallowing in the sorrow of a broken heart and broken marriage. It is UP to you and you alone how you move forward from this.
Seek counseling. Seek help for the alcohol and drug abuse you are putting yourself through. Using will not make the hurt go away, it will not make the cheating go away, nothing will. BUT you can be happy again. You can be the FAHTER you ought to be, but you need to quit. You need to move forward.
You already know that you have to stop. STOP for the sake of your children, that is ALWAYS a good motivator, and please.... STOP for you too.
IT IS OK if you can not forgive her now. IT is NOT OK that you can not forgive yourself.
Good luck,
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Are you getting any counseling? You should if you aren't already. It helps big time. Time is also a big factor in your recovery from this heartbreak. You need help so you can ease up on the self-medicating you are doing with the hash and liquor. Once on the road to wellness you may decide you can or cannot forgive her but right now you need to take care of yourself. Do it for the kids if not for yourself. Keep us posted Buddy, I'm sorry this happened.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): I'm so sorry! I imagine healing will take some time.My best advice is to try and forgive her, it is the only way to combat your insane feelings, even if you stay seperated for a time. Think about something you are really sorry for in your life, and how you regreted it, and then maybe you can understand her desire to be forgiven. Part of the forgiving is forgetting too, or at least not letting yourself think about it so obsessively. It's hard to trust again, but I think it is possible. Again, I'm really sorry. When you are feeling really down, just remember that she loves you, even despite what she's done. Hang in there!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): Hi OP- been following your situation for a while now.
you are slowly self destructing and it is doing NOBODY any good. please think of your kids. they LOVE you, they are hurting too with what has transpired.
please seek counselling during this period. you cannot handle this all on your own.
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