A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My parents are in their 70s. My mother has a very difficult personality and I feel really negative around her. She splits people up within our family, picks fault with everyone (me, my sister, my neice and nephew, my auntie - you name it) and turns her opinion into a 'fact' when she speaks to other people (about other people). This stirs up a lot of trouble and bad feeling and ends up with people never speaking to one another. My sister and I cannot get on because of the things that happen like that. I have had to work really hard to overcome my own difficulties with managing my relationship with my parents because of it - keeping things 'light' or keeping them at arms length (low contact) so that I am not continually brought down by her. However, despite telling her on numerous occasions (and even in writing) that I do not want to hear her making derogatory remarks about her grandchildren any more she started doing it yet again on the phone at the weekend. My nephew (her grandson) is 22 years old, gay and sometimes dresses as a woman in public. My view is - he should be himself and as long as he is happy that is all that matters. However, they are insulted by this and my mother went into great detail about the horror of what he was wearing, his painted nails, his blonde wig etc - what he looked like and how shameful it was. I know their generation can be less liberal minded / accepting and if this was just a little bit of shock I would understand - but this is her own flesh and blood. I dread to think what she says to people outside family - she is a real gossip. I am still really REALLY upset that she could do it. When she has started bitching about people before I have tried to cut her short. I wanted to put the phone down but I have even tried this before and my Dad rang me back and had a go at me for upsetting my mother, then my mother emailed me two days later to tell me all the ways I have been horrible to her - twisting detail to suit.I feel I cannot stomach any more of this toxic dynamic - her hating that goes on has been going on since I was a child. They now live 4 hours from me and I have to really force myself to see them - as little as possible. So many times I have driven home in tears. It shouldn't be this way! It is affecting my own emotional health - how can I deal with it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 June 2016):
 You have my permission to not visit them or have them in your life.
Just because we share blood with people does not mean we HAVE to have relationships with them.
Create your Family from your friends... do not assume that because she is a mother she is a good person.
feel free to say "mom I love you but I can't be around you"
and do not worry about her hate and her trying to manipulate you or 'guilt you" into doing what she wants.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): You know it is OK to cut toxic people out of your life.Do not answer when she calls.Move..do not tell the b it ch where.Do not let anyone guilt you about this for she is an insane socialpath who will only get worse.Been there done that and trust what I say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): My father is also an extremely toxic person-abused my mother physically and emotionally and when she died, she completely feel out of love with him (even though for years she enabled his very bad bully evil tantrums).I have to be honest and say, you cant change her. She will most likely stay that way til your family buries her. It just is. Accept it. Of course you can bring family together and have a family intervention. Express yourself and tell her exactly how each one of you feel and how she has made you felt all these years. My guess is she will stay the same person, even after all the tears and self expression on your side. Just hold out, love yourself, keep them at arm's length---for now. She is also getting quite old at 70 and at that age and older they deteriorate very very quickly and youll see a dramatic change. Soon the hard and evil front can be soften by age, forgetfulness, loose stool, lower energy, its part of life. When you see your parents in this state, you really cant help but also love and give them your compassion. I say if she is still adamant on her views, put her arm's length for now. When she needs you again, you can be there but right now just be there for your family and your nephew.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 June 2016):
 Sometimes.... it's best to stay clear of people who radiate toxicity.... and this sounds like one of those times.
Don't let your MOTHER drag you in to her vitriolic world. Live - and stay - in your's (world)... and keep contact with her to a minimum... It can work....
Good luck
BT/DT
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