A
male
age
30-35,
*eadheart123
writes:i can not let go of my first love. we have been dating for 5 months, we loved each other a lot, but we broke up because she would not stop flirting with my friends, and i could not stop complaining. after a few weeks of separation i grew weak and begged her to give me another chance, she gave me the chance. it went great for 2 weeks but then she dumps me, she just said she has no feelings for me anymore. on msn she would make em fall in love with her every day, and then break my heart in the end. this has been happening for 1 week already. i still have feelings for her, but she does not feel the same, and i do not want to get back with her because i am scared she might just play with my heart again. just today she gets mad at me for no reason, and then ends up going out with her EX boy friend that is a country away from us. i cant stand my jealousy, and can not control my feelings for her, we see each other everyday at school, my friends and her friends are friends so there is no way to stop seeing her unless i end my relationship with my friends, which i do not want to do. at school she would make me jealous by ignoring me, and going with my guy friends, at home she makes me jealous by bragging about her new boyfriend online. i really want to forget about her and just move on, but i do not know how to let go, i can not stop thinking about the times we had. i really want to stop feeling jealous, and lose my feelings for her.please help, any advice would be appreciated.
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broke up, flirt, her ex, jealous, move on, msn Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Dude.. Ok, I'll throw you a clue.
I meant a new question altogether, in a new thread. You are back in the site's history archives right now, you realize this? Only reason I still see this is because of my follow up notifications.
Ok, if you did not get a reply back from the new friend, then she is at least a nominally effected by this ex of yours. Meaning, she's playing the fence. She's not completely for you, and not completely for your ex. At BEST. At worst, she is believing every little humiliating detail about you that is fed to her from your ex, and they are finding common ground through you.
Either that, or the very fact that you asked her if it was true lent credibility to your ex gf's claims.
Regardless, and I do mean regardless,
"friend from my ex gf's friend"
This goes against the whole making friends completely separated from your ex thing. What part of that didn't you process? Friend of ex gf's friend is not going to cut it. Because by and by, a friend of a friend is a friend.... of your ex.
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reader, deadheart123 +, writes (7 June 2009):
deadheart123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneverything was going near PERFECT i have meet a new friend (which is a girl again...) we talk for hours at night on the phone, text alot, and talk alot of msn. i have let go completely of my ex. i meet this new friend from my ex gf's friend. everything is going fine, but then today my ex tells me that my new friend is very annoyed of me calling her, texting her, and talking to her too much on msn. first of all SHE calls me and wouldnt hang up until i get so tired i fall asleep by accident, wen i text her she usually texts me back. my ex also tells me that my new friends parents are going to find out i call her house to much (but SHES the one who calls ME on her CELL) and that her phone bill is going to go up because of the text (but she has free receiving text) and that she is very annoyed of me talking to her on msn, but she seems very happy to talk to me, and we say ily to each other (yes i think i have a crush on her) so i text my new friend to see if what my ex told me is true, but she doesnt not reply it. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose my new friend, i pretend my ex never even exist but she still finds a way to get into my life. i want to keep my friendship with my new friend, and have my ex stop ruining my life! i am very pissed off at her, i dont do anything to her so she can stop saying im annoying ect.. but she complain about me talking to other people too much?
what can i do? my new friend lives about 1 hour away so i dont think i can see her face to face and talk it out unless she wants to. she is not replying my text, and i dont know if she blocked me on msn. in fact i dont even know if what my ex is saying is true at all!
any advice would be helpful.
sorry if this is getting annoying.
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reader, deadheart123 +, writes (3 June 2009):
deadheart123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell. lets start from the beginning again. we broke up because she wouldnt stop flirting with guys and i wouldnt stop complaining about it (she flirts to the greatest extend trust me). then the second time we broke up because she just seems to hate me for no reason. i have no idea why... and then we became normal friends, she made me love her and breaks me heart over and over again. then i told her about it, and she started to b*tch me up about it so i did it back to her. finally i got your advice and started to talk to her less, and now i dont talk to her at all. at school she would hug MANY different guys and flirt 24/7 (which still gets me jealous sometimes..) today she said sorry to me about all the things she did so i decided to be friends with her again, then on the bus today i offered to sit with her and she tells me "no i never wanna sit with you. "and acts like she hates me and i done something wrong. so now i have no friends again, shes still ruining my life... and i have not let go of her 1005, but im getting there... i just want her to stop ruining my life, and make some new friends but she is making that so difficult.
is there any way to stop her from doing these things to me? telling her is not a option, because she would just ignore me.
and is there a way to make me let go of her faster.. i already stopped talking to her and all, but when i see her with other guy(s) i get jealous...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): If you want different viewpoints from mine, you might want to just start a new question. We are sort of isolated at this point. lol.Damn, dude. This chick sounds vindictive and scorned squared. What on earth did you do to her to make her invade your life so, and not wish you happiness?Hmm Okayyy.. Provided you haven't left something out, I know what you did. You got through to her. I've some experience with this. If a girl is trying to play the part of little miss ghetto fabulous (subtract the ghetto fabulous in your girl's case lol) independent diva, then she can get pretty resentful when someone actually manages to break through all that mess and effect her. But there is this: If a girl is still all up in your business like that, positive OR negative, SHE has not let YOU go either. You still have a piece of her and she hates you for it.Weird huh.Whether you want to be psyched about that or not, is up to you. Personally, I think that if you look at your situation a different way and realize this girl is still sweating you in a way, then that would be good for your ego and a good confidence booster. This new friend of yours... you were probably too quick at the trigger to deny all your girlfriend's claims! That's a prime dating possibility you have right there, or had. Women rarely rarely just hang out with a dude they are not related to without at least subconsciously harboring thoughts of "more", unless the dude is gay or something. Give yourself a little credit here. Women seem to like you. So capitalize, capitalize.Well just had a few more thoughts for ya. 'luck
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reader, deadheart123 +, writes (3 June 2009):
deadheart123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell everything was going well, i made a new friend (which happened to be a girl) and stopped talking to her. but she keeps on talking to me on msn, spamming emails at me, then she starts to tell everyone im going out with that new friend of mines. my new friend gets pissed off and hates me now... so once again i have no friends... and my ex is still ruining my life...what should i do? i tell her to stop with the rumors the doing and she ignores me every time i bring that subject up. she wont listen to me now, shes ignoring me for no reason and still spreading rumors about me...
any advice would be helpful...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Dude...not talk to her less. Don't talk to her, period, until you can feel more detached. She is fighting the influence battle on you, as I said. And you are not even fighting back, you are capitulating? Feh! A man does not do this! Man up.If your friends are so easily turned on you, then good friends they are NOT. A true friend has your back, and will not so easily believe the lies of some vindictive female, over your word. Make new friends. Better friends. Friends that have nothing to do with this girl. Join a group or extracurricular activity, and make friends from there. A bonus from this is you would take different transportation from your ex on more occasions. You are choosing to remain in this untenable situation. There is no scenario where you cannot make conditions favor you more by sheer force of will. You, however, have given up. This is your major problem.No, you shouldn't leave the situation "As is" and no, you shouldn't apologize to her for God knows what you think you did wrong. You need to better your situation, and if that means extracting yourself from the web of lies she has woven around you and your supposed friends, then so be it.Friends are a dime a dozen. Your mental and spiritual health is not.
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reader, deadheart123 +, writes (29 May 2009):
deadheart123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i have tried removing her from my contacts, and not talking to her as much. just today she comes and started b*tching me about things i did in the past like "you txt me so much your so f'ing annoying." and then she goes and spread rumors about me, she made "every one" of my friends hate me. i have no idea why she did it, i have done nothing wrong to her.
should i try to talk to her and say sorry to things i never done, and get my friends back?
or just leave things as it is?
help please...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Seeing her all the time can be rough, true. But letting go is not synonymous with distance. Ask any woman, they have the capability of making you feel worlds apart when you are standing right next to them, and at the same time, can make you feel extremely close from far away, should they so choose.
You have to emulate this valuable ability. You still face the same basic pitfalls of letting go whether you see her every day or not.
And lets step off of the cons for a second and highlight the pros of your situation. The advantage you have in your situation, over someone that is pining from far away, is influence. You can switch her little game right around on her. It would be quite simple. Where you fail and lose is that you let her effect you so profoundly with her games. Its time YOU do the effecting.
If you sit and pine over her, and lament what could have been and what was, while she is out having the time of her life, you have lost. You have to be just as fine, if not better, than she is. Socialize, date, and let go of your care for this woman. Then, watch as your roles reverse as if by magic. It really is amazing how quickly the shoe can go on the other foot. You'd have to see it to believe it.
The best part is, if you have truly let go by then, then when she starts crawling back you can turn her down just as she turned you down. She would have to do some serious atonement to win you back. Meanwhile, your tranquility will have been restored.
This is the science of influence.
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reader, deadheart123 +, writes (28 May 2009):
deadheart123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo we do not live together. but we go to the same school, and take the same bus home...
im trying very hard to let her go, but i stopped all communication with her. but its very hard...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I just reread your post, you don't live with her, you two are already broken up, and you are keeping "tabs" on her.
Well that's different. Though still relevant, my earlier post would have been more appropriate advice for you a while ago.
As for now, yeah, you are only damaging yourself by trying to keep track of what she is doing. Any form of contact: phone, text, email, chat, facebook, myspace, twitter, or ANY networking sites have to be systematically destroyed from your recollection.
If you can't forget the ways of contact/keeping tabs, you have to exercise willpower and just not look at them or use them to contact her. This is what is necessary.
As to seeing her every day, that can be rough. But if you cut all other forms of contact and/or communication, then it can be made more bearable. The trick is to disarm all the hotwires in your brain you have associated with her by NOT obsessing over her.
Also one thing that I feel is important: Date other women. Even if you don't feel deep love for them or whatever, date other women. Even if you think nothing compares to your first love and all else is but ash and darkness, date other women. If you do, eventually some tenacious young lady will break through your wall of hurt and depression, but you gotta put yourself out there first, otherwise you WILL be stuck in this same pattern of emotion.
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reader, tmm.snow  +, writes (28 May 2009):
Just a few things...
1. It will never stop hurting, but the hurt becomes
managable. I split up with the love of my life 12
years ago and when I found out that they had got married last year (to the person who I had been cheated on with) it sent me into the dark again for a day (though in the meantime I had another relationship and am now in another) - but that was it. I got up and got on with it.
2. Some days will be better than others, and the better days become more and more frequent. Don't stop living - go out and enjoy yourself - force yourself if you have to.
3. Hard as it may be, try and cut them out of your life. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder in my experience - it helps you heal. All this 'we can be friends' crap does not work, and it doesn't sound as if your ex is being much of a friend to you if she is behaving the way she is. Avoid places you'll meet, block her on chatrooms, avoid speaking on MSN, don't probe other people about what she's up to - in short, try and forget she exists.
4. Don't go back. If someone can hurt you that much, for your own mental health, don't go back there, even if the opportunity arises.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): You have reason to be jealous..
You do. Your first mistake here is thinking you are somehow wrong in that. You're not. If you communicated in the beginning your desire for a monogamous type of arrangement, and not an "open" thing, then you are completely within your rights to be angered by her flirting with other guys.
Even more troubling is: she lives with you? And brags about all the guys she's seen??
Dude, this is not a healthy thing you got going on. Unless you are ok with the "open" thing, but you don't seem the type. She does.
This is a fundamental conflict of what each of you want out of a relationship. One of you would have to change, to make it work. I don't foresee her changing at all for you. So that leaves you. If you ever do manage to shelve your jealousy and become this "cuckold" type she seems to think she wants, that would open a NEW can of worms. She would lose respect for you for changing your values for her and being a doormat to her and blah blah blah blah.
Why did I go through all that? To point out that this situation of yours CANNOT work. The only way it could is if you tell her point blank, all your grievances and kick her butt to the curb right NOW. And stand steadfast by your decision, never waver. 5 times out of 10 she'll come crawling back. If not, oh well. She has been toying with you, some would even say cruelly or sadistically. Even if she did in the past, right now she doesn't deserve your love.
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reader, andrew loves hali  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 this is what i went through except we went out for 3 years. but were still together after a month break up. anyway you should stop talkin to her. i know its hard the first week but trust me it'll get easier. just member what shes done to you. its not easy to let go of your first love. many people cant do it but once you find a new somebody things should get better. member what you guys had but member why every time you think of her your heart breaks even more. let me know how things turn out.
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