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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, I’ll try to keep this short.I’ve been ill for almost 2 years. I’ve seen numerous specialists, doctors… nobody could find what was wrong. I was just an XY patient to them, a number. They didn’t take my case seriously even though I never played down my symptoms. I made a big effort to stay functional, go to work, do what ever I was supposed to.What was difficult to live through was lack of support from some of my friends and family. From the very start they believed that it was “all in my head”, even though I never had any “head problems” (anxiety, depression…). This was easier for them, because then nobody had to do anything to help me when I asked. And believe it or not, for the first time in my life I DID ask.My husband is very angry with his family, they are almost all doctors or work in the pharmaceutical industry. He asked them numerous times for help (not financial, but advice or if they could recommend a specialist or recommend us to one of their friends, colleagues…) and each time they would find a reason to refuse. Before I give you more details, there are two things I must clarify: we have ALWAYS been there for them, no matter what and they would often ask us for help; they often help other members of our family and friends (if I am being honest, people they think they can benefit from). Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. One specialist has taken the time to go over everything I have given him and has finally done the necessary tests and is 99,9% sure. My husband freaked out. I know that it's easier for him to be angry than sad. Honestly, I am still in a state of shock. I cannot fully process this information. I still hope that there could be something to that “0,1%” and that the specialist could be wrong. As I said, my husband is really angry with certain members of his family and doesn’t want to let go. He feels let down. Worse. Betrayed. I don’t want him to do anything. I want him to let go for his sake. I don’t know how to go about it. It’s impossible to talk to him about it. He firmly believes that they could have helped me two years ago, but they chose not to “spend any favors on us”. Here where we live it’s all about the connection (and money, but more than anything connections). I’ve seen it so many times. If a doctor is called by a friends/cousin/colleague, he will pay special attention to the patient. I don’t know if they could have helped me, but I do know that I would have sure appreciated their support. If my husband doesn’t want them anymore in his life, it’s up to him. I would just like him to calm down, let it go and stop poisoning himself with anger. I’ve seen what anger and resentment do to those who allow themselves to feed these feelings with negative thoughts. I’m not saying he should lie to himself. I would like to help him accept the situation for what it is and make a decision and not stew in it and ruminate.I once had to clarify a very difficult situation with certain members of my family. I think of them from time to time and try to focus only on good times, but I am glad they are out of my life. So, I don’t feel any resentment or anger.What do I do? I don’t want to be selfish and pressure him to let it go, but if it were up to me, I would have let go a long time ago.Thank you!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 August 2022):
 First off, I'm sorry! I hope it's something that can be dealt with and that you come out well on the other end.
I understand both of you. Totally.
He ASKED them for advice help or recommendations - ALL things that are FREE and none that would have taken MUCH of their time either.
BUT the thing is THEY are fully within their rights to not GIVE help for whatever reason. Is it shitty, yeah, I think it is. Even if they thought you were "just making it all up" it wouldn't have been hard to say OH go see Dr. X for a second opinion. However, they had NO WAY of knowing that you had a rare type of cancer. YOU knew something was off, sought help (and thankfully you didn't give up!). But you didn't ASK them to CURE your ails. You asked for support. You got dismissed instead. Hate to be one of their patients!
However, holding on to the resentment is akin to taking poison and hoping the other person dies. In short, it's pointless.
Sit your husband down, and tell him that you two need to focus on what is important. And that is NOT them or resenting them. It's moving forward with whatever needs down.
If he doesn't WANT to be around them for the time being, so be it. That is OK. But for your sake ask him to let it go.
Just know that neither of you can MAKE other people be what you want them to be. He can't make his family caring and compassionate and you can't MAKE him "just get over it". You can, however, divert his attention from the negativity of his family to working on figuring out your path forward.
I wish you the best. And I think your husband is justified in being angry. At some point though, I hope he lets that go. It's NOT worth holding on to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2022): Am extremely sorry for you about your diagnosis, you could have done without all of this with so called friends on top of this awful serious news. Perhaps this just emphasises that many people are not really friends, simply people we know who are not family and we are too quick to call them friends simply because we know them. The real test is if they care enough to listen, support and they have been a huge disappointment and shown their true colours - they are not friends. When it is family it is more difficult because they can be scum and are still family. But you need to decide if you want such people in your life now and take control of this, not your husband, YOU. You are the one who is struggling the most and been let down the most. Stop feeling sorry for him. He should do everything he can for you and stop thinking of himself. Start valuing your time. Every second of your life from now on is very precious. Do not waste any of it on long chats about these negative and boring things. Do what you can to feel better and enjoy life instead. If this means cutting them off so be it - I would.
If you prefer to have them hang around a bit that is your choice too, but remember they do not really care.
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