A
female
age
51-59,
*uzuki
writes:where do I start..my fiancé told me 8 weeks ago he wanted to cancel our wedding. He didn't do it. We thought we could work on our differences and see what came about. We were due to get married in seven months. I feel like he has not made any effort to sort things out and spent every waking hour with his friends, so after sitting staring at four walls for 7 weeks, I got on with mine. I do charity work when I have free time so I made plans do do some of that and see my friends. To cut a long story short. He decided after 8 weeks to make an effort and when I didn't jump to his attention, started world war 3, spat his dummy out, and cancelled our venue.I decided to let him get on with it, and now, a week later has come back asking me can we sort out our problems, stay engaged, and set another date when we have.We are 2 forty year olds who have never been married before though he has a daughter, and we have had problems with everything from whos house were going to live in, his massive family involvement in everything, and his deep seeded insecurities due to the infidelities of his exes.I know we have had problems and I know we shouldn't have been getting married with these problems, but how can I go back now after he cancelled. I still love him very much, but how can I trust he will not do it again, and are there any other couples have been through this and still stayed together.Many thanks for your replies xx
View related questions:
engaged, his ex, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 I think the writing's on the wall here, to be honest. Both of you should be past the whole immature flaky stage, and you already know there are red flags that shouldn't be overlooked, and even his cancelling the wedding should be considered one. Would he bail if you become pregnant? Sick? Laid off of work? Will he go run and hide if things get difficult?
One thing you do know is -- he's not going to change, and you must proceed under the belief that he is NEVER going to change. Buying fix-er-uppers like a house, a car, furniture, clothing are great projects, but when it comes to people, it's all "As-Is".
It's easy to not want to make the break, but in this case, cutting your losses may be the healthiest thing you can possibly do for yourself now. He won't change, nor will even try to. You will be waiting forever, and who wants to get married by issuing an ultimatum anyways?
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (20 June 2013):
 " he has a daughter, and we have had problems with everything from whos house were going to live in, his massive family involvement in everything, and his deep seeded insecurities due to the infidelities of his exes."That is a lot of baggage right there. On top of him being emotionally immature, those issues above have yet to be resolved. Do you two have a plan on how to resolve them? Do you have the patience to work through each one until it is all fleshed out? How much time are you two willing to invest before throwing in the towel? It really won't matter if you set a new date for your wedding date if you still have those issues at the end of the day. If the issues themselves made him call off the wedding, why wouldn't he do it again if those issues persist? What if you two wed and you have issues - will he deliver you divorce papers if it doesn't resolved?To be honest if a man cancelled the wedding on me, I would have a hard time seeing him as someone who is committed and willing to work through problems. Threatening to cancel a wedding, doing nothing to fix anything and then cancelling the entire thing - that to me is not only immature and embarrassing, but it shows you another problematic side to his personality.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Maybe look into some pre-marital counseling?
Or maybe accept that you two are not as great a fit as you both had hoped for?
...............................
A
female
reader, suzuki +, writes (20 June 2013):
suzuki is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry I ment to rate the first answer as 5 stars...thank you anon..I appreciate your answer xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): He sounds majorly immature. I haven't had that exact problem relating to your engagement but I have dated someone who also was very immature, up and down, who probably would be capable of doing something like that, leaving me feeling the same way you do. This guy I dated also had alot of insecurities and his family was way too involved in our relationship. These types of men are never taught or given the opportunity to handle things like an adult. They still haven't cut the apron strings and have everything done and decided for them by their family, like a two year old does. That is why when faced with adult situations that most people handle rationally and sensibly, instead they brood and pout and blow things out of proportion and are vindictive (e.g canceling your wedding). They never outgrew their terrible two's. And the culprit of his behavior is most likely his unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship with his family, guarantee you. If at 40 he still hasn't realized there is a severe problem with his behavior, I hate to tell you he will never realize. It is one of those things where a separation would be good for you both. I wouldn't take him back unless he takes a long, hard look at himself, his behavior, how it has affected you and the very fact that it is unacceptable.He MUST set boundaries with his family. They absolutely should not be meddling and getting involved in things that are not their business. His insecurities are NOT your problem. Everybody on this earth has been cheated on or dicked over once or twice. And? Tell him to grow a pair and get over it like everybody else does and leave his baggage back in 1982. As for where you are going to live, if he wants to marry you tell him to put down a mortgage for a home for the both of you. Or if finances are tight then rent a place for you guys. He is 40 years old. What the heck is he doing?If he can't even manage the very basic and very minimum a woman should require when considering marriage, then FORGET HIM.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): Hey there :) I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have had our fair share of ups and downs, especially when he was deployed to Afghanistan.What I've learnt the most is that communication is important. It sounds as though he loves you very much. I think you need to tell him how you really feel, don't be judgemental or accusing, just talk to him about your worries. Also tell him how much he means to you. Remember why you love him, and show him why. It sounds as though you've done the right thing so far (good for you for putting yourself first,) and I'm positive you two can make it work,as long as you both want it and love each other. I say you should have a deep conversation about your feelings, and then perhaps do something nice together - go on a date or do something that will bring back the fire. If he changes his mind again, forget it. But at least give him another chanceto prove himself to you. Couples go through a lot worse, if you both want it, and it's what's meant to be, it will happen!Xx
...............................
|
