A
male
age
41-50,
*annyBoy79
writes:In the summer of 2008 me and my wife had drifted from eachother... we still loved eachother and had a son .. but we had drifted ..liked doing seperate things...hobbies etc.. i felt the relationship was going very stale and needed a break.. to refresh.. to breath.. to stop the pointless arguments and snapping at eachother. sex had allways been great between us and we were quite liberal with eachother. anyway i suggested to her that i dont feel the love from her anymore and we should split.. she agreed.. i was suprised she agreed and thought it may be a instant defence comment to agree but all the same this is how things had got. so i slept on the sofa and the next morning i kissed my son goodbye packed a bag n went to stay with a friend. i was going out alot with friends..clubs..drinking whatever..nothing sinister..just fun .i knew i still loved my wife but was enjoying the break... i missed my family n wanted it back. me and my wife got back together .. but it only lasted a week before i had cold feet and left to stay with my friend again.. i cant pin point what it was but it felt very strange being back . she was trying very hard n it just didnt feel natural. during our further break.. i called round to the flat one day .. grab some of my things and while i was there i wanted to use my computer to check up on emails etc and i found alot of pics on my computer of men . nude ones too.. i was so jealous.. raging.. all the men was athletic n good looking. so i started searching through my computer like crazy.. n it was all there.. emails.. message logs from chat rooms etc etc.. i wont go into details what was being said but i was shocked.. not just 1 or 2 men.. but tons.. loads n loads she had been doing cyber sex..etc etc.. i told her " i know " but she didnt know what i knew.. but she was just cold.. like she didnt care.. then it dawned on me .. she must be seeing someone. i was hurt..confused.. out of control.. i went out got drunk as hell.. did alot of coke smoked alot of weed n ended up in bed with someone i had been avoiding cos i knew they liked me. after time i was talking to my wife n pretending i was fine n getting on with life having a great time.. but i couldnt show her i loved her so much n just the thought of her sharing her time n sleeping with other men was sending me crazy. i wanted her back like mad.. our family.. our house..our marriage. so after a night of seeing my son we was flirting and the next day we slept together but she said it was just sex n nothing serious.. at first i agreed then the night after we had slept with eachother i told her i cant do the just sex thing cos i dont look at her like that n ive never been a just sex kinda person. after i told her i cant do that she was just cold again n said she understood . but everytime i would come to see my son we would get on well.. i noticed she was dressing different..had a new friend who was allways around and this friend was very easy and slept around regular. i knew something was up but didnt know how far my wife haqd gone . after a week or so.. me and my wife sleep together again n agree to get back together but things needed to change.. she was demanding i trusted her more than i used to and i had to let her go to clubs with her new friend etc.. as much as it was burning me cos i knew something was up i agreed.. after a couple of days she told me she had been with someone else.. this hurt me so much.. the truth.. the pain.. what i thought had came true.. i didnt want to believe it.. and ill admit it..i cried like a baby.. i wanted to kill myself. i had lost everything . we worked through it.. and actually things got really good between us..the sex was amazing we was at it like rabbits.. going out together everywhere it was like we was 15 again ( we have been together since 15..were in our early 30's now ) .. and as things was going so good and we was speaking about everything in honesty ..or so i thought... anyway we decided to go for another baby.. n before you know it my wife was pregenant again. this was great.. but the lure of searching the internet n chat rooms she had been on was too much and i had to investigate some more.. and there was signs that it was more than just 1 person.. we had the big trust convo n i told her everything i had done n she still said it was jsut the 1.. then i stumbled upon something on her msn and asked her about this person and she denied it.. she made up all sorts of stories how the guy came to the house but she left him in the car outside n didnt do anything with him..i said to her if theres anymore or any lies i will leave and never come back.. she still said there was only 1 other.. then i found out on her msn by actually pretending to be her and speaking to the man.. then i went back to her n said i know the truth now... she said she is sorry n she lied cos she didnt want me to leave .. so now theres 2.. not looking good.. this one hurt me so much more than the first..and especially now cos she was pregenant.. i was kinda stuck.. going through the motions n putting on fake smiles..she swore thats all there was n thats it.. after a week or so i decided to test her.. n claimed that i knew more and if she didnt tell me n be honest im ending the relationship.. then what do u know.. my worst fears come true again.. a third person. but she is still pregenant .. is it my baby ? i was all over the place mentally .. trying to hold my family together but i didnt trust her at all..i hated her for what she had done .. and was trapped cos for sure if i had known these things before she was pregenant i would of been out the door. now my daughter is 1 year old.. we havnt had sex for about a year.. the odd fumble or oral.. but intercourse has vanished.. i cant bare to be with her like that..and its been 2 years.. i know i love her n enjoy her companionship n wait for the love to come back n the mistrust to fade.. but it doesnt . its allways there.. but we dont talk about it anymore cos i dont think we know how to... she just says sorry n its the same conversation again n again.. not getting anywhere fast. i really love my children so much and couldnt bare to be away from them but i feel like im not making any life progress anymore.. everythings gone stale.. i trust no one anymore.. i mean if my wife and girlfriend of 15 years can lie to me that much then i could never trust someone else. i still think there might be more she has slept with n not told me. i cant trust her..i want to.. but its all too twisted up n bitter now.. should i leave or should i stay ? im lost ..really confused..i been on these forums before when it was all more fresh n most people said give it time.. well times ticking and it still hurts like hell .thanks Danny
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a break, chat room, drunk, flirt, get back together, got back together, jealous, liar, msn, the internet, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): The only way to get back on the right track with your feelings is to leave! I forgave my ex 5 times (of the times I know of) and it wasn't easy at first but after about a year or so it became easier and I even tried to reconcile. That didn't last because I knew he hadn't changed at all! He had a girlfriend and was seeing me at the same time! True is the saying...once a cheater, always a cheater! You will get through it! And in the end your children will thank you for not putting them through a loveless family situation! Children need to see their parents interact and be affectionate in order for them to have healthy relationships in life! Its not healthy to be distant with the other parent other than occassionaly. All the best to you and if whatever you decide ask for professional help from a doctor. It will make the world of difference and hopefully will teach you to let go and carry the resentment into future relationships! Good luck my friend!
A
male
reader, DannyBoy79 +, writes (12 July 2010):
DannyBoy79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers.. thing is.. im so stuck cos on one hand i love her endlessley and my children n us as a family unit and the other hand i cant trust her.. be intimate with her.. all the confidence i once had is completely gone . i dont even like to be social no more cos i just feel horrible. i work with music and alot of it is down to creative writing... thats pretty much gone aswell due to my lack of self belief nowdays.. dont get me wrong some days are cool and things feel forgotten or easier to deal with but it allways comes back. the feeling of my gutts twisting with jealousy. i dont care for the moral high ground n all that.. i just want to feel normal and get on with life and enjoy my family without the jealousy, confusion n depression. i know the 3 mens names n if i hear there names on tv or something and were watching it together my whole body freezes n i stare at the screen thinking she must be thinking of him now . these things happen to women alot and they get back together n get over it.. why cant i... i really want to make my family work i cant bare to be away from my kids and the thought of living a seperate life away from them is almost enough for me to bury any feelings i have n just stick it out.. but at what cost ya know ? just wish there was a easy way... would really like to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and got over it .. is there any hope ?
thanks again
Danny
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A
female
reader, loraemoon +, writes (11 July 2010):
 i can honestly say how sorry i feel for you it seems you have tried and tried and she has given nothing back to you but lies and complete hurt, putting children first is the right priority but this is tearing you apart everyday can you really go on like this? i dont think you can! i know i couldnt, shes shown you nothing but disrespect you have given her so many chances yet shes blown it by lieing and poss cheating! you deserve so much better than this move on!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 Ouch... my brain. Ok, granted you were with this woman for 15 years, you don't trust her and frankly the whole situation sounds more difficult than chinese algebra. But dude... this is one woman in... (let me just check something...) 3,0896,000 females give or take in the UK alone.
She's just one woman and is in no way a representation of the majority. Maybe you should try dating some other women, you may find the simplicity incredibly refreshing.
It may be time to call it quits... but that's just my 2 cents.
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A
female
reader, jennxoxo  +, writes (11 July 2010):
Hey Danny..
First of all, congrats on the birth of two beautiful children, they are a blessing in themselves. But they are also what makes things so much more complicated. I know you did wrong when you were out doing coke etc but from the sounds of things you've really turned your life around. Your wife on the other hand, I don't think she has. She's sworn multiple times that you knew all thetruth yet when you logged into her msn etc u found out even more and I wouldn't be surprised if there is more still to come. You deserve a woman to love you for who you are not need to get kicks elsewhere. You know the saying, three strikes and youre out.. It applies here. Do it properly, work something out so that you can still see the children, even move into a different room in the house. You say you enjoy your wifes companionship so it shouldn't be a problem living with her but just as friends and as parents. She's gone to far to be forgiven.
Love, Jenn x
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