A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Because it seems, to me, that all boyfriend and girlfriend relationships are still initiated by the guy, where the man approaches the woman first, talks to her first and asked her out first, initiated everything or almost everything in the beginning.Just wondering if there have ever been any successful role-reversals? I don't know if my long held view is accurate.Has it always been up to the guy to be the initiator, lead the interaction and is still like that to this day? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 June 2015):
 I initiated the relationship with my current partner, and I don't think it's a coincidence that it's the best relationship I've ever been in.
This was my first time initiating, so my dating pool prior to him was necessarily limited to guys who approached me - I wasn't doing any asking of my own. So I might have been everything (or at least enough of what) those guys wanted, but they weren't necessarily everything I wanted.
If I were to be single again I'd likely continue asking/initiating, because it gives me a LOT more control over my options than sitting back and hoping that guys I'm interested in will just happen to approach me.
This isn't meant as an affirmation that you can sit back and wait for women to flock your way, because MANY women are still old-fashioned about this and they won't ask. It's an example of why you should CONTINUE to ask/initiate with women you are interested in - you're more likely to end up with a woman who has MORE of the the things you want in a partner, because she'll have met whatever criteria you have for approaching her in the first place.
Good luck and best wishes.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 June 2015):
 I disagree with the last poster, women approaching men ( - at least, men who somehow have given them green light and signalled some possible interest ) may still be a minority,... but not a RARITY . It's two different concepts altogether !
Anyway, as you have been told already but it won't hurt repeating, if you are looking for an excuse to never lift a finger and stay shut home waiting for women to beat a path to your door,- that won't happen , of course.
You still have to put yourself out there, be socially functional,take your chances, risk rejection , all the drill.
First, because it is a draw of luck and you may not have the luck to meet that proactive woman who will save you all the dating trouble ; second, because anyway what puts off women is not a lack of sexual mileage, but a lack of social skills, initiative, curiosity and emotional energy.
So- luck needs to be helped along. You need to do your part anyway !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015): I would never pursue a guy. Even the attention I sometimes unintentionally gave a guy having absolutely no romantic interest in him was taken very weirdly. One just made me laugh. He was a significantly younger guy who was a total opposite of what I like, all I wanted is to talk to him about something that I was interested in, and he started introducing to me some woman who was sitting next to him, who obviously was not his girfriend. I didnt even got a hint right away,mi was just staring at him in bewilderment, and then only one hour later I realized that he thought I was hitting on him. That was just ridiculous. I never invited a guy to dance or out. Guys always did the job. And I don't feel comfortable of doing it ever. With that said, I still don't know the purpose of your question. Are you trying to get some manual on how to not ask a girl out and just sit there and wait?Or what exactly are you looking for? Though you had all these answers here with women initiating a relationship, majority of women don't. If you are hoping for that rare woman who will do it with you, good luck with that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2015):
 I agree with YouWish.
It sounds like you want to hear that females initiate, so YOU don't have to go out there and do it.
As you can see PLENTY of women do, but that doesn't MEAN a woman will initiate with YOU.
You CLING on to your "preconceived notions" of HOW unfair life is to men, who aren't great with the ladies. How that because you WANT a GF, one should just show up and date you.
LIFE isn't fair. If you DON'T GET out there and at least TRY to engage in social behavior, you will end up in your 30's then your 40's feeling more and more hateful towards woman and frustrated at life... because you don't WANT to accept that sometimes it takes for YOU to get off your ASS and go MET people, get to KNOW a person, ASK them out and if you get rejected ( WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE) you get back out there and try again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2015):
 Nobody should ever WAIT for someone to come to them. In your case, OP, I'll be serious in saying that you can't expect for someone to come to you, smash your Fort Knox of excuses or defenses, make ALL the effort to chase you as you resist, and jump through hurdles and hoops proving themselves to you over and over and over. The idea of Rapunzel in the tower with the champion fighting the dragon, surviving the lava, repelling the hordes in order to "rescue" you doesn't work no matter what gender.
It's one thing to initiate, and it doesn't matter which gender does it. But what's wrong is for the person to expect the other to call all the time, always set up dates, always buy the other presents, always be the one to prove they love them over and over through constant reassurance, always being the one to smooth ruffled feathers and try to be the other person's EVERYTHING. That's not healthy. Even if someone initiates, BOTH people put the work in. Both people reach out. Both people make gestures. Both people actively open up to the other person, making intimate conversations not about pulling teeth and cracking Fort Knox.
People can be lazy when it comes to relationships, and these same lazy people are the ones who whine about how much work it is, and "why do guys always have to chase", etc. If you cherish the one you're with, why always wait for HER to make moves and gestures all the time, to sit aloof and make conversation difficult? What is the cost to tell someone you're into them?
The initiator becomes less important as a relationship progresses.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 May 2015):
 When I got my '56 Pontiac... many of the girls in school were willing to "hang out" with me.... When I got my Austin-Healy, it was like I was a wildebeest with a broken leg... and the girls were famished hyenas.........
So.... yes, sometimes the girls WILL pursue you.
P.S. What are you driving these days????
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 May 2015):
I initiated a few times. The most important with the guy I ended up marrying. I initiated our first date, first kiss, first everything. As a matter of fact, I was so used to initiating that when HE asked me to marry him, I had no idea what he was talking about. We were talking about some friends of ours that were getting married soon, and he asked me in which month I would have liked to get married. I thought he was speaking in general,ideally, and I said I liked winter weddings because I liked the idea of leaving cold weather and snow to spend my honeymoon somewhere warm and tropical. And he said ( deep breath and staring intently at his shoes )
" So , if I ask for my 3 weeks wedding leave next January , would that be allright with you ? ..."
Yeah I know, it sounds so very unromantic, no going down on one knee, etc. ( we don't do that in Italy anyway ) - and yet, instead, somehow it WAS very romantic. A very tender and moving moment.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2015):
 I asked my now-husband out for our first date.
Your belief is false. Time to change your attitude, beliefs and approach things in a healthier way.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 May 2015):
Honestly though, why does it matter? Do you want an excuse to sit back and wait? Do you want a reason to grumble about how men are "doing all the work" when it comes to dating? Because neither are going to help you get what you want.
Hoping that the other person has more guts than you do because you're waiting for them to ask you out is just so nervewracking. And personally, when I do get asked out, it's mostly by people I'm not interested in. So my motto is: when you want something (or someone), go for it. That's what I do. That's what a lot of girls and women do. The problem is that we're all raised with these old fashioned ideas and we keep them in place by only collecting experiences that support that idea. Doesn't make it true though.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 May 2015):
Honestly though, why does it matter? Do you want an excuse to sit back and wait? Do you want a reason to grumble about how men are "doing all the work" when it comes to dating? Because neither are going to help you get what you want.
Hoping that the other person has more guts than you do because you're waiting for them to ask you out is just so nervewracking. And personally, when I do get asked out, it's mostly by people I'm not interested in. So my motto is: when you want something (or someone), go for it. That's what I do. That's what a lot of girls and women do. The problem is that we're all raised with these old fashioned ideas and we keep them in place by only collecting experiences that support that idea. Doesn't make it true though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015): Yeah of my two long relationships both were initiated by my partners in some way. Especially in the second case though it was also a pas de deux, in that we both tested the water with each other and kept moving forwards when there was no obstruction- so I asked her to come out to dinner with me, we talked about what an ideal relationship would be like, etc etc.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2015):
 I have been the initiator in all of my relationships. I wont bore you with listing up details of every time, but it's true. I've also initiated contact with men who I didn't enter a relationship. I have picked up men far more often than they have picked me up.
In my opinion, men are under the impression that they do all the work simply because they do not know how to read the hints women send out. Hints that are obvious to me. I spent a great deal of time just studying people and their behaviour. This because I was schizoid as a child and had no knowledge about how to socialize. So when I normalized during my teenage years, I had to learn from scratch how to communicate with others and how to socialize. So that's why I see these signs and hints so clearly, from both men and women.
A lot of men are completely oblivious. A lot of women too, but mostly men. Because women are taught not to be open about who they like, not be the aggressor. But they do seek out men with just the same amount of effort as men seek out women. They just have a different approach. Whenever I've picked up a man I've had to come on extremely strong, in order for them to realize it. They just do not see it otherwise.
It's little things you need to pay attention to. Such as a woman casually standing next to you. Or looking at you from across the room, then looking away, then looking back (if she does this she wants you to come over). Or hinting at something she'd like to do (that means she wants you to ask her out and do said thing), example: "I have always wanted to go there", followed by a smile and looking into your eyes (It is an open invitation for you to bring her there).
If someone asks you about your relationship status it means they're interested. If someone has their friends ask you, it means they are interested. If someone "casually" brings up what your plans for the future are, it means they want to know if there's room for a woman in your life.
Pay attention to the small things. Observe. You'll understand it then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015): I've had several relationships where I have been the initiator, last year a guy who lives in my neighborhood, I've had my eye on him for ages, I made it obvious I liked him when I ran into him and then I saw him out in the pub so I flirted like crazy and hinted MASSIVELY and he bought me a drink and boom. There have been other occasions where I have literally said, fancy a coffee/drink/grabbing lunch and it developed from there. Yes it does happen.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 May 2015):
My experience is that it's mutual, you just have to get good at reading the signs and have the courage to make a move. Easy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2015):
Yep, my first two relationships were ME initiating. It lasted 4 1/2 years. Good guy.
My second BF was one of my older brother's friends, one I had had a crush on since I was 15? I ran into him one night (maybe a 8-9 months after I broke up with BF #1) and I asked him out for dinner the next night, he accepted.
So yes it DOES happen. 2 out of the 4 guys, I have dated, I did the initiating.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2015):
I initiated. He was outgoing, gregarious, and a fantastic public speaker, not to mention very good looking. But he was painfully shy, and tripped over his own words and feelings, so after 7 months of being friends, I just took matters into my own hands and asked him out properly. I initiated pretty much everything except the marriage proposal itself.
In 3 months, we celebrate 17 years of marriage.
There's no such thing as "should" in who initiates, but one thing is certain - no one person should do *all* the work. It's lazy for one person to sit back and let the other do all the work and put all the effort into the relationship. Luckily, my guy was all shy in initiating and stuff, but he's 100% into US, and that's all that matters.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (31 May 2015):
Well, if I'm honest - most of my relationships began with quite a lot of active (yet subtle) initiation on my part. And the last three guys I dated were all directly asked on a date by me (and there was a guy who turned me down too)
Were they sucessful? That depends on your definition of sucess. If sucess = sex, then yes, they were sucessful. If sucess = long term relationship/marriage, then no - they were dismal failures. Two of the guys really played me and left me broken-hearted and I felt very used.
But that's the way the cookie crumbles
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015): I initiated my now two year relationship.But he gave me enough interest and hints that I should move forward.The green light if you will.If he did not give me a green light or enough hints and interest, I would not have pursued him.It was clear he had fallen for me. But not all men make the move despite the interest for so many reasons.But be absolutely sure of his INTEREST first. Nobody, male or female, wants to look stupid chasing somebody that isn't interested.Before you proceed, make sure you KNOW he is interested for a fact and not just flirting, being friendly in a professional way/setting, playing games, or liking the ego stroke and make sure he is not already in another relationship.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 May 2015):
 absolutely yes.
Girl I worked with, very smart, saw this truly gorgeous man walking towards her in the city. She said she was mesmerized. So she, not shy, stopped him in the street and suggested they go have a coffee together as she said he was the most attractive man she had ever seen in her life. They went for coffee, he was flattered, and then he discovered how intelligent she is and ..... 18 months later they married, then they bought a house, then they had a child ......
Another girl I know was invited to a work function at Christmas time. She went all out for a man she has always fancied at work, but he had never approached her. At the work function she invited him to attend a different Christmas function with her. They went to it. My husband took one look at her at that function and said.. she wants to marry that guy. I said don't be ridiculous, this is their first date together.
But my husband was right. A year later they held their engagement party and then later their wedding. It has been a very successful marriage.
Your own preconceptions are based on some experiences and some long held preconceived ideas and misconceptions. These preconceived generalisations are not helping you.
Have you had to suffer a parent of relative who has continually asserted these mis-truths and now, as you are getting older, these generalisations are stopping you from moving forward?
Have you grown up resenting your socialization and the examples you have had to deal with in life as far as gender roles? Has a female or male parent made life so difficult for you that living up to their expectations has caused you distress?. Counselling could help in this regard.
And it is not just girls or guys asking first or last or whenever.
If you lack the confidence to initiate a relationship then eventually you may need to seek some counselling to help you get over this hurdle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015): I'm currently in a relationship that was initiated by me. I had my sights on him and I took the lead. I made first contact, and initiated the steps after. We're extremely happy and I couldn't ask for anything better. He does plan dates and things like that but I've been the main initiator. So, it does happen. :)
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