A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in an abusive relationship (physically and emotionally) for about a year. I was very much in love with him and would make excuses for him, but also did not want to suffer abuse anymore. I learned that he had also abused his other ex's in the past. I tried to break it off a couple of times, but he would always woe me back with manipulation saying he would change. As time went on, things only got worse and worse and he didn't change at all. He is in jail now and we haven't talked for months but he's recently written me a letter saying he's sorry for everything and he wants to remain friends and that he's changed. I still care for him and I don't know what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): As good as Gina's advice is I disagree with her on the main point. I think you should just walk away and stay away.
The type of guy that this guy is, means it will be impossible for you tell what is genuine and what is manipulation. I really don't see any point in having a friendship where you constantly have be careful, a friendship where the risk of this person slipping back into old habits if he does in fact find a way to change is very high.
By staying this guys friend you put yourself in a vulnerable position and effectively let him still have an aspect of control in your life, no matter how small this is not a good thing.
How many times when you were with him did he say "I'm sorry, I've/I'll change/d"? and how many times did the abuse begin all over again?
I suspect you've heard all of this before from him and the fact that you actually need to ask whether you should believe him or not shows a dangerous willingness on your part to fall for his lies again.
The fact you still care for him has blinded you to the reality of the situation, he abused you, emotionally and physically, why you would want to risk going through this again is beyond me. You still exhibit the characteristics of an abuse victim that makes excuses for their abuser by the very fact you're considering keeping contact with someone who put you through hell.
If someone you didn't care about did this kind of thing to you, would you consider being their friend? Whatever your answer to question is, is probably what you should do in this situation.
People can change behaviour not their personality, even if he does manage to change his behaviour, having someone like you as an enabler for this kind of behaviour will only lead him to revert back to old habits.
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