A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiancee for 6 years. He is the only man I have ever been intimate with. He has been with several other girls before me... and now he is seeing someone else.He has been cheating on me for the past 2 months (or so? I don't know for sure). I know this because I found emails, he was arranging to meet this girl at a particular place and time. I went to the same place to see if he was for real. I saw him holding her hand. I also found emails exchanging flirty words, talking about times they had together, telling her how sexy she is, etc. I initially checked his email because he had been withdrawn and performing badly in bed which has never been a problem for us before, so I snooped as I suspected something was up. My intuition was dead on. He told me his email password years ago. I have never used it until now, I think he likely forgot he told me about it. He has no idea that I have found all of these things. He sees her a few times a week, but he's very good about never smelling of her or anything. We do live together, and I keep waiting for him to slip up but he never does. I really miss him. The last few months, since his affair began, has been a very different time for our relationship. He is no longer interested in having sex with me, though he will cuddle with me, massage my back, kiss me, and he takes me out to dinner a lot. I suspect he is feeling guilty. But I could do without all of those things, if he would just have sex with me again. I miss it. I am very sexually frustrated. I have no idea what to do. I have managed to continue acting normally around him but I am starting to think that the pain is just too much. I hate being ignored and neglected. I hate being decieved. I don't know how he can do this to me, when just a year ago he was on one knee, with tears in his eyes, telling me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.This is the first time he's cheated or been dishonest as far as I know, but of course now that I know about this I am questioning our entire relationship- was the proposal a lie? Has he ever loved me? My whole foundation has been ripped from under me. I really am angry at him for doing this to us. I want to win him back, to make him see that he doesn't need this other woman. Apparently he met her at a work party. He did mention her once or twice, in the context of work. But then he never mentioned her again. Probably because he had started fucking her. So I do know a little bit about the beginning of their relationship. She is pretty, about my age, well educated, single as far as I know. I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to break up with him, I want to win him back, as I said. I want to blow his mind, I want to make him feel so loved and appreciated. I have tried to do that as much as possible since I found out about their affair. I have tried and failed many times to seduce him, in a variety of ways. I have told him thank you every time he does something (cleaning, doing a good job at work), tried my best to be easy to get along with and show him how amazing I think he is, etc. I mean I have really gone all out. But for some reason he's just not... stopping. He won't have sex with me- he says he's stressed out, but it's been several weeks since he last TRIED to have sex with me. I am in good shape, I keep myself well, I take pride in my appearance... I don't understand. I do everything I can, I think I do as much as can be expected! Should I tell him I know about his affair? Are there any things I can do to make him fall in love with me like he used to be? What do I do? I fear that I'm losing him...
View related questions:
affair, at work, blow his mind, fiance, flirt, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): hi, how's the progress with him. did he stop his affair as promised?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): So... I took your advice. I kind of realised I don't have a choice because I can't live the rest of my life this way. Something has to give. And it was really difficult but after dinner I sat down with him and said that I had to talk to him.
I told him I know about his affair. I also told him that I can forgive him for the affair if he breaks it off immediately, and is never dishonest with me again. I told him how I found out, about the emails, and when I spied on them. He was initially trying to lie and say that I had misunderstood, but once I told him that I saw all the emails, he shut up, he looked very pale. And he kind of went quiet for a while. I was crying a little bit, but trying to stay calm. Eventually he said that he loves me, he isn't in love with her, but he liked the attention and the excitement. I asked him, why didn't he just break up with me then? I would rather be dumped than cheated on. He said because he loves me and didn't want to lose me- basically he wanted to have both, a new exciting relationship, and an old loving comfortable one. I told him though, what about me? I have my own needs- and I pointed out to him that we haven't had sex since the affair started, and did he think I would just sit back and wait for him while he had his fun with another girl? He said he had not thought about that, but that he couldn't bring himself to have sex with me after seeing her because he felt bad- for me. Don't know how that works. Anyway the conversation went on and eventually ended with me asking him to stay at a hotel or with a friend, I told him I couldn't look at him any more. So he is out of the apartment now and I am exhausted, from all of the crying, and the frustration of trying to get some explanation from him, and now I have to figure out what to do.
He said that he would end it with her right now if I said I would still marry him. I said I would think about it. But I don't think I can marry him. But I am also scared of losing the past 6 years, most of them were such good years, and I hate to think that all that is wasted. I'm very confused.
Thank you all for the advice... I know how it sounds, I sound very dependant and sad. But we've been together so long and I don't know any other man, he's my one and only.
I don't know what to do now.
Does anyone have any more advice? How do I proceed?
...............................
A
female
reader, advicegirl96  +, writes (18 December 2009):
So he's your fiancee. Well just confront him about it, saying how you found out, and who told you etc. And he will then know your not lieing. And if he begs for your forgivness it's up to you depending on how good his apolgy is, you could forgive him. It depends if you trust him enough for him to not cheat again. Whatever you decide will be right. Good luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Oh this post is really sad..... Little insight into your life 5 years on.... How do I know??? Yes I am living it....
Year one: after 9 months together my perfect b/f wisks me away 2 Dubai..whilst laying in a round jacuzzi bath on our balcony over looking the Indian ocean sipping pink champers he pops the question!!!
Year 2: suddenly admits that he got his mistress pregnant (in his first marriage) & they have a 3 year old togther who I never knew about!!
Year 2.5 secrectly texting "friend" from work, meeting in secrect sharing sexy emails/texts
year 3 tracks down old ex girlfriend on face book whilst I was pregnant with our baby meets her secrectly
year 4 meets 3 different girls on face book... Secrectly fucking all 3!!, one of them on our daughters first birthday one planned for boxing day!!! Til I found out
year 5 dumped all girls... Begged forgivness... Back to the starts of an affair & is texting 2 girls!!!
I am a young women...I love my husband I love sex I look after my self... I have a good career... But yet I am still not enough for him.. Despite being more attractive than 95% of his shags!!'
trouble I am giving him the green light really cause I am terified of losing him... I put my little one in bed & have the biggest knot every night, my life is hell... Cause I am in love with a selfish man.. Please please leave & get some self respect... Don't be like me....
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Sorry , that's "LIVE your life on the back burner" this is a very upsetting post.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 December 2009):
You have just had a glimpse into the future if you do indeed marry this loser. Sorry honey, but do you really want to life your life on the back burner of his stove? Desperately struggling for the crumbs of his attention, knowing he'll be off to another woman after he walks out the door every day? whew...it's a no brainer to me...best of luck.
...............................
|
