A
female
age
41-50,
*isgusted
writes:I was in a four year relationship with a women. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but it just happened. In fact I had a big family problem at the time we met and I used her for emotional stability, just as she did me when I found out that she was really unstable with her family as well. Anyway I finally got out of the scary relationship about 9 months ago and got my shit together rather quickly. Some would say she was holding me back by the way my life took off after I left her. I even have a fiance now. My love problem is that I am constantly obsessing over her. I look her up on the internet, call her every day and email her all the time. Its like she left me with a lot of unresolved issues. I think she stopped caring for me long ago truth is I don't think she ever really cared. She has this "I'm too cool" attitude but she acts like a loser. Drugs, drinking, wont work, cry's to only me all the time, but then turns around and acts like she could do better than me. Why if I graduated college, completed eight years in the army, and competed on ESPN's miss fitness America among other things am I feeling not good enough for some one who dropped out of high school, quit the army and wont hold a job. Why is she better than me. Why do I want to prove that I was, and still am the one in the relationship that has it going on. Is it all just insecurities. Can you see my insecurities just reading this blog. What am I missing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 August 2008):
 You haven't moved on, mentally. You're also still dependent, and not independent. Although you have accomplished, I don't believe you're doing so just for your own being, but to prove your ability to others. Your insecurities lie in a manner which you need someone to validate your ability to accomplish. There comes a time when you have to break off from that. What you do is to benefit you and your life, not to be used as a trophy in the eyes of another person. You feel she's better because she's the one you're seeking approval for what you've done from.
When you do things it needs to be for you. Although your accomplishments will benefit others, such as in your marriage, the purpose to do what you've done was not initially for that purpose. Stop placing so much value on what others think and how they see you, and be proud of yourself for the time and the effort you've put into accomplishing what you have. Take a deep breath and take yourself out to dinner to celebrate. You deserve it.
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