A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm asking if everyone has the ability to 'move on' and get over a deep love they share with someone? I believe I am grieving, and I know some people will judge me, however I am just hoping that there is some hope, which sounds a little dramatic I know, but feeling very desperate and trying hard to be strong and also think I may be depressed! The story.. I met with a man over three years ago who also happened to be my new boss, I was going through marriage problems at the time, and he was in an unhappy marriage with his wife neither of us knew this,my two children are grown up and moved out and his young, now eight and four. Both kept our distance as the attraction was immediate for both, this went on for months but working together the relatinship grew and were also great friends, and it was only time and we had an intimate relationship, which has grown stronger each day (cliche I know, but true) I left my husband who was controlling and violent, and was supported by friends and this man. The relationship was everything including passionate, but built on friendship, respect, support, kindness and challenges and if I'm honest words cannot express the sheer amount of feeling we have for each other, or the things and times we shared they are truly precious. However the fact that I am not capable of being 'the other woman' despite me knowing he has no relationship with his wife, they have separate rooms, his wife just wants the security and money and image that she has a nice home, children and husband with good job which allows nice holidays etc (please beleive me when some might say how do I know I truly do know this and not just from him, he has never kidded this whole thing for me is very serious and extremely sad) however I have ended it (which I have tried many times) but has always found it impossible to let me go, and I him so it's always re-started (usually for short times I know this may sound pathetic but true) however this time I am serious, and the realisation is horrendous, and this guy whom I still love and will always love, also realises and now just feels self-loathing and guilt for what he has done to me, he has been very honest (to me) he cannot leave, solely because of the children, he can be accused of many things but he is an excellent and loving Dad, he is a very loving man and that is why we fell in love, his wife has no need for love in her life just wants security and routine. He has told his wife he does not love her, and has tried to talk (I guess to evoke a reaction or discussion as they do not talk as adults together, they are civil for the childrens sake and both love the children very much) she was upset to here those words, but just wants to know he will just come home, and be part of the seemed perfect family unit. His Dad had an affair but was found out stayed with his Mum and nobody it seems can forgive him and he grew up having no respect for his father! he cannot bear the thought of 'walking out on his son and looking at his face' and I do love him because of this, he actually thinks it would probably be the right thing to do in the end to leave and be with me, but he has said he simply has not the courage to do this and also hates himself for this and says he is weak.. But now through this time when I've ended it, we cannot severe contact as we work together he is still my boss (most people know we are in love and he does not care) it's never affected our work we are both successful and indeeed work very well together, and neither can afford to give up our jobs as they are very good jobs, and he has a family to support and I myself, so cannot throw this away also especially in these times. But how do I do this practically? this time he is going to try and let me go, as he hates himself and says it is the worst thing in his life he has done, he says I am the person he loves and cares for the most, he says he will love me forever and and now has to do the right thing and let me go to try and find someone who I can be with who deserves me as he does not, he feels unworthy, and he will just have to pay the price and be unhappy, but he cant bear the thought of me being lonely anymore?! he says it makes him feel sick and he says when he thinks about it he wants to jump off a bridge he wont its just a feeling, he wouldnt do that to his children and hes not saying it for sympathy, its just that he cant beleive hes in effect trying to encourage me into someone else's arms, as he feels he should do the right thing now after all the wrong he's done. However the thing with all this is, how do I really cope I love him more than ever, cannot sleep or eat properly and the thought of even sharing dinner with anyone else in my future makes me sob... I consider myself quite strong, however this is killing me, and can you really really get over your one true love, I am 48 he is 40 (not that either of us thinks age is that relevant but some of you may be wondering), so if anyone has got any shred of advice, or a similar experience i would be so glad to hear, as I am really really distraught.. I have given up the love of my life and soul mate.. Thank you for reading my long post x
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affair, depressed, fell in love, money, moved out, my boss, soulmate, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011):
You know the most astounding point of your story is that your soul mate is committing adultery!!! Which part of that is escaping you? Really, his marriage is that horrible? You have been to his house and know they have separate rooms? I have no sympathy for “the other woman”.. His wife could be at home taking care of his children and thinking they have a great life (like I was).. Only to be blindsided by an adulterous affair that she has no idea about. I watched as my marriage to my true soul mate was destroyed by a manipulative secretary! She convinced my husband I was cheating, she followed me (taking my car to the car wash on a cloudy day was reason for suspicion), searched my cell phone bills (that he paid) and called people on it (really I was cheating but gave him the bill?).. All in an effort to sabotage my marriage.. Well, her efforts paid off.. My ex husband was going through mid life crazy and had always been insecure.. So, all her lies paid off! Of course my ex was soooo miserable right, he did not file for divorce (or ask for one) I did after I could no longer deny his affair with the help.. Yep, they are married now and fight all the time lol! What a great union that is… Soul mate really??? Based on total lies and deception.. Soul mates are gifts from God.. Since you are breaking Commandment number 7 kinda blows that out of the water!
So, for all of you ladies and men that are having affairs with married people find YOUR true soul mate, not steal or destroy someone else’s!!! Most of you are being played by a proven liar do you think they run home and tell their significant other “hey I am sleeping with somebody!” Nope they go home to some poor unsuspecting spouse and lie to their face when they are asked a simple question like “what did you do today?”
Marriage is hard enough, but when there are women and men willing to cheat with married people you just make it even harder..
I will never get over my ex.. It has been 3 yrs since I filed for divorce and seperated 2.. From what I am told by his family is he is still in love with me (remember that folks cheating with married people).. Of course after everything he has done soulmate or not I don't think I could ever forgive him..
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): It was amazing to read such a similar story to my own. I thought it was my soul mate as well. However, just be careful that you are not transferring your feelings of love onto the other person. If he is not strong enough to leave and instead carry on an affair, really look at that. I know it is so hard to see and you feel like it's because he loves you so much he can't stop himself. However, it is being dishonest with his wife (not honourable), he is depriving his children of his time (not honourable) and depriving you of a full relationship (not honourable). It is because he is too weak to take a chance and move forward with you. My soulmate went back and then over 3 years later the marriage dissolved. He then wanted me back. Just be careful. Affairs always intensify a relationship. It is very hard to move forward and trust when they have cheated on their own wife. Let him go and look for happiness elsewhere. If it is meant to be, it will happen the right way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): After reading your post...I am in the almost exact situation. I am so sad and depressed right now because he is so unhappy and I am so unhappy. He is my boss; he is also unwell and has to take care of his two children. His wife is an alcoholic and doesn't care. He is the safety for his kids right now. I was married to an abusive man. Now divorced. If I hadn't had this man in my life...I would not have made it through on my own. It is so difficult every single day walking in seeing him and not being able to do anything right now. I don't think anyone should pose judgement on you. He says we'll find each other in time. He got scared and I got scared. I had never had an affair in my life nor had planned on it. I love him so much. I miss him every single day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your helpful and heartfelt answers, it certainly helps to share your feelings with others who understand and genuinely want to help without judging me, this is so kind. It also helps to know that there are other good people, who find themselves in very difficult and painful situations yes some of us maybe our own doing but we are certainly not on our own, and I so wish I could also be so helpful and give advice, and the only thing I can think to say is that maybe if we do fill our lives as positively as we can and try and always share our feelings and talk about them, perhaps we can all get to a place where we can be truly happy and content one day.My update is that we spent four days together a few weeks ago and it was for both of us more joyful and stronger than ever even after three years it is certainly not lust it is far deeper, he is truly a good and loving man, who happened to find himself not in love with his wife who completely disrespects him and only wants his money, and I cannot believe some of the things she does (or how he allows it maybe through guilt now?) anyway this is irrelevant I suppose, the bottom line is that we are completely in love (and probably always will be), I think we are basically good and kind, but he is so tormented and like many cannot seek advice and only speaks with me, and it is difficult as I don't want to appear to manipulate a conversation/situation in which I encourage him to leave only to my benefit, it has to be his decision and I wish he could speak with someone as I seriously worry he is making himself very ill. Anyway I have ended it (again!)and am trying this time to be a little angry and use the anger I feel in a positive way as it is indeed as natural emotion as sad, happy, resentment, love and therefore need to use it to try and make him understand that this is slowly killing me as a person. I love him dearly and his children also who I have obviously never met, but they are part of him so therefore love them and would dearly love to show them how much someone loves their Dad, I so wish he could find the courage he says he needs but is ashamed that he cannot find it. So yes I am in a very dark and painful place and am scared as I have to face the fact that he will be prepared to let me go. So thank you for reading again as this helps so much to put my feelings down, and more than this, the fact that another person who I do not even know cares enough to read and reply.. thank you so much, and good luck to you all also with your hopes and dreams.
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reader, Serenity1  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 i feel your pain through your post...im currently experiencing some of the same...i actually meet with my guy to get my key today...he's been holding off for days...i told him to just put it in the mail slot and we didn't have to see each other, but he insists that we see each other...like you, i've tried several times to break it off with this guy, and obviously have been unsuccessful...he's not married and doesn't have children by the women he's with but he's still with her...so in the end that's obviously where he wants to be...the shit hit the fan on V-day...i called the gf and told her about us...it's been on since...and you know what he still continues to try to keep things going as they were...i can't do it...it hurts too bad...and if i'd known from the start that he wasn't going to leave her not necessarily for me but just because i wouldn't have stringed this along this long (it's been almost a yr).i know it hurts somedays i go to sleep crying and wake up crying...but you know what i'll get over it...(easier said than done, I KNOW TRUST ME) im still feeling withdrawals from him...and when i see him today it's going to be very hard, but i'll get through it...i was just going to get my locks changed but i've suffered enough why should i have to come out of my pocket to get my locks changed...anyway in reality i want to see him...but i will make sure i keep in mind the hurt i've experienced and that i refuse to share him and degrade myself as a woman anymore...i know i deserve better and you do to...i can't help but wonder if he ever had any intentions on leaving his family...you would know if he's wife found out...this was the breaking point for me...once i seen that he still wanted to be with his long-term gf after me and his relationship was discovered i knew it was over...I REFUSE TO BE SECOND TO ANY OTHER WOMAN...IM TOO GOOD OF A PERSON FOR THAT...AND DESERVE MUCH MORE...AND YOU DO TOO...once he see's that you have meant what you said and said what you meant it will be a breaking point for him...but at this time i hate to tell you but he has no respect for you because he knows that you have settled for being his cake on the side...same with my guy...that's why no matter what i will not give in to him today...and i will have the last laugh because he will be wondering what im doing instead of the other way around...trust me girl im not trying to down play you because ive been doing the same...it just comes to a time that we have to let go...of course you'll still love him but the point still remains if he wanted and loved you he'd be with you PERIOD! statistics show that when married parents are unhappy and stay together it's worse on the kids than if the were to seperate...so in my opinion he's full of shit! look at my situation they don't have no kids nor are they married he's STILL WITH HER...so im going to let them be...i'll keep you updated with what happens today
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): First of all u did the right thing leaving ur abusive husband, i wish i had that courage sometimes. There is nothing right in having an afafir however you cant help who you fall in love with, it appears you both love each other alot and it seems a shame that you cant be together when you feel so strongly about each other. I dont believe staying for the sake of the kids is the answer though either, he is unhappy, the eldest child may even understand that. While you are working together you wont be able to resist, you are going to have a tough time dealing with that. This man is obviously with the wrong woman, and even for her sake i feel he should move on, the children wont be any happier living in an environment where they dont sense any love between their parents. i hope it all works out for you. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): It's a difficult situation and it won't be easy for you. Working together, makes it 100 times harder! I understand, that neither of you can leave your jobs, considering the ecconomy right now. The only thing I can suggest is that you fill your life with positive things. Go out with friends, start living for you!
I am probably going to have to face a similar situation myself...different circumstances, but two who love each other and cannot be together. He lives 3,000 miles away, I was planning to move there in the spring. I had my home up for sale and put in for a transfer with my company. I found out this past weekend that my mom needs open heart surgery and is refusing to have it. I don't know how much time she will acutually have without it. My dad has alzheimers, and someone needs to care for him if something should happen to my mom. Right now I live 6 doors down from my parents. I can't just move away, with everything going on here. I feel I made the right decision, but...I don't know how I am going to handle it!
Since this changes everything, my relationship with my guy has seemed to take a turn. We talked last night and neither of us had much to say. We usually talk for hours and last night, maybe...15 minutes.
I admit your situation will be even harder, since you will see him every day. If you truly love eachother, it will be next to impossible! Maybe, it's not meant to end. I understand what you mean about being unable to "be the other woman." I feel the same way.
Although I don't have any real suggestions other than filling your life with distractions, and keeping busy, I truly wish you luck with this. I know how you are feeling and how hard it is! My thoughts are with you and hope you find a way!
xxxBritt
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