A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After 20 years of marriage , she has decided I'm not her ideal husband .She wants a me to not be like me or I need to change to be different .She is a generous , helpful and will do anything to help others . These are things that I am not , as its not in my personality . Yes money has sme bearing on my behavuoir she wrote to me :Currently my level has come down to match your level. I feel negative, anxious about money, worried about the future, feeling apathy about things and generally pessimistic. I think this is not my usual tone but that I have been brought down to this tone level by constant exposure to it. If you don't like it, then you'll understand how I feel then. Pretty depressing isn't it? That's how I feel. You don't see what the big deal is do you? You're so used to your attitude on life, you think that I'm just a nagging bitch. I like and admire and want to be around people who:utilise outflow as a focus rather than obsessing on inflow demonstrate good "havingness" do things spontaneously for others are positive and happy about life are grateful and appreciative of what they have and express this to others enjoy being generous and get a buzz out of it I'm waiting for you to show some of these characteristics but you seem not to care. You are wondering why you have to do this and why I can't be more like you? I am being like you and I think you don't like it. If you think my being pessimistic and anxious about money and life (like you) makes me spend less, earn more, then you're wrong. I just feel like crap and don't want to be around you because I'm incredibly angry with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): I understand her totally and think she has put very clearly what is going on and how it has weighed her down until she is behaving like you.
You obviously are one to find fault rather than be positive, grumble and look on the negative side of life is easier for you, than to make an effort and try to make things good.
It seems you have now groomed her to behave the same way, although you now call this nagging. So Typical!!
Look - buck up and instead of her having to be the one thats works hard at keeping life going for you - do it yourself and also try and cheer her up without finding fault and being negative. Believe me being around someone thats never really got anything good to say - does rub off on you.
It seems she now resents that, understandable so far as I'm concerned.
Can't you just be nice on a REGULAR basis and a bit more chirpy?
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Hi Hunny
I dont believe writing a letter to be a cowards way out at all, She needed to say how she felt in her own words with out argument, She just needed you to know how she felt..I think writing it down sometimes helps as the person can read and read as many times as they want with out the writer constantly trying to explain and getting in a frazzled mess, if you had had a row about this it would not have gone anywere but the scrap heap her getting upset and stressed and you maybe not wanting to listen. So this has done something good..She loves you she wouldnt have bothered if not, She would not care so maybe its time you sat down and talked maybe take her out and have a good time sweetheart we all need some fun in our lives and hopefully things will be good and you can get to know and understand each other again..She sounds like a lovely caring person, This is also not controlling as if she wanted to control you she would have been doing it by now, This is letting off steam...maybe she wants a caring compassionate tiger LIVE A LITTLE! Dont get weighed down with life kinda thing love maybe this is what its about...HOPE YOU CAN SORT THINGS OUT HUNNY TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Sorry that film was not "Dear Dolly" it was "Hello Dolly", a good film to watch to see just what your wife means.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Oh yea! Don't forget to pick up a copy of the survival manual. "Men are from mars, women are from venus" by John Grey, available at all good bookshops. You should also take very, very seriously the advice given by Ms female anonymous on how to draw up a sensible budget that makes you feel secure, but also allows some surplus money that you can spend on your wife and other people without feeling bad. In the film "Dear Dolly" there was a saying that has stuck with me all my life. "Money is like manure (shit) it's no good unless you spread it around and help encourage new things to grow." Be brave, you can save some, but you also got to spend some as well. My dad has a rule "Save a third, spend a third, and gamble a third", he's managed to get very rich, so it just might be the advice that will work for you. Take care of you, and give your wife a big hug and kiss from all us here at Dear Cupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Don't hide the other letters from us. How can we help if we're not sure about what she wants. Get them out and read them again. Give us a summary of exactly what she wants you to do to change. We need this information to help you change from tight fisted pessmistic old git into carrying, sharring, happy, generous husband. You can do it, I know you can. She's your wife and she deserves happiness, and we want her happiness to be shared with you rather than somebody else... Take care of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): I agree with the other poster that your wife may have been brainwashed by Scientologists. Just google "havingness" to see that it's a term they use. They're either trying to draw you in or else have her start shunning you that's not to say that you and your wife don't have issues. You probably do need to show her that you do care and do want to change whatever it was that made her vulnerable to a cult. However, you're going to need a professional marriage counselor, and probably help from a group experienced with cultsCheck out:http://www.scientologydisconnection.com/index.htmlhttp://www.factnet.org/Best of luck!
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female
reader, Khandi  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 i dont believe it takes 20 years for one to discover that someone is not right for them, marriage counseling may be the best option here. Good luck to you both
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey are all good answers , its very hard to discuss any of this with friends as most will not want to know about it .
So Thanks and keep those answers coming . I have spared you the earlier letters about another 6 all along the same lines , this one is specific . There are children to consider so I have to work at it for there sake . Thankyou
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Just an off the wall question, but is your wife involved in scientology in any way at all? It's just that so many words and phrases jump out as being Scientologese!If she is and you are not I would suggest that you start reading up on it and the disconnection policy (because disconnection may well be the next step if she is involved) but don't get drawn into it yourself. Google Operation Clambake for a helpful site that explains what goes on and what happens within this organisation and they will be able to point you in the direction of how to handle what *may* come next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I am in the same age range as you and also received a similar letter from my husband. This was aimed at my general pessimism and how I should have a more positive outlook on life (like he does). He also said I too was bringing him down. To be really honest this letter drove me mad because I detest these upbeat, lets all pull together positve types as I think it is all so false!
However that comment is probably not very helpful. Obviously if you still love her and want to be with her then you are going to have to make more of an effort to accommodate her way of thinking. This is incredibly hard if it is not your natural way. I tried very hard to change and be more positive and outgoing for my husband but for me it was all false and made me dislike him for it.
Maybe the best way round this is to give her a bit more personal attention. Buy flowers, take her away for the weekend, dinners etc and let her know how important she is to you. She may just be feeling unloved and undervalued. When money is tight it is extremely difficult to be upbeat about things as it always weighs heavily on your mind whatever you are doing.
This kind of letter is very hard because when she married you she knew what you were like and did not complain then.
I have found when people are disatisfied by their lot all round then they tend to pick on their partners and almost make it their fault that they are not as happy as they should be. To my mind this letter is unfair and undoubtedly there are things that she does or doesn't do that doesn't make you happy either. I would try the attention approach for a while and if that doesn't work sit down with her and have a long chat about how you both have changed over the years and how can you best make each other happy again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): You can take the hostile, defensive attitude that some people here have, and see if that leads you to any good.Or, you could do a little research or go see a marriage counselor. There are also some good books, such as[u]Money Harmony[/u] by Olivia Mellan, or [u]Conscious Spending for Couples[/u] by Deborah Knuckey.http://www.amazon.com/Money-Harmony-Resolving-Conflicts-Relationships/dp/0802774563http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Spending-Couples-Financial-Harmony/dp/0471221406Get these used or from the library (I got them through interlibrary loan) if you're not willing to shell out the dough. You might be able to deal better with the generosity and insecurity issue if you and your wife can sit down, figure out your financial goals for the near and far futures, discuss both input AND output, and how to give yourselves enough of a budget for generosity whilst remaining financially secure. My husband is also a wee bit "frugal" while I am on the spendy side (though I also enjoy making and saving money.) We have dealt with this by showing him that we indeed had enough money to take care of our needs, save for our goals and retirement, and give to the needy. We now budget a percentage of our income charity and entertainment, and I think he feels much better knowing that the amount we would spend on these things was capped. He also was very enthusiastic about helping pick a charity and I think it has helped him feel better about himself. He also gets very pleased when he thinks about the sum that he has budgeted to spend on his own entertainment a month (though he doesn't always spend it!) We were able to stop specializing so that he was the miser and I the spendthrift... now we both know exactly how much money we're allowed to work with each month, and yet still know that the bills will be paid and our savings will grow.I don't know exactly how to solve the optimism issue, but one thing at a time. Hopefully if you show yourself willing to talk and learn about generosity, your wife will meet you half way. And, more likely than not, doing good and feeling financially secure will make you both feel happier and fulfilled in your lives. Good luck! You seem willing to work on making your wife happy; she is at least able to set out her needs clearly-- I think you guys will do well. Please update us!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Sometimes it is easier to get our point across in a letter, if we talk face to face the other person may interrupt and we lose the flow or emotion may take over and you never fully make the person understand what is in your heart.
So take this letter on board, think about what you want, do you want this marrige to work or would you rather split upw?
You CAN change, change comes from within yourself and you have to work hard at it. If you are low and not feeling right, get help, talk to your doctor. If you are constanly negative and down about life it will rub off on those around you.
You also need to work hard at marriage, few of us sail through it without problems but its how these problems are dealt with that shapes the outcome. It sounds to me as though money is a big issue, money helps but there is more to life than working and squirelling it all away, there has to be a happy balance of fun in there somewhere too and not everything costs money. A romantic stroll in the park and a picnic need cost no more than it would cost you to eat lunch at home anyway.
Gestures mean a lot too and taking the other persons feelings into consideration. How much would it cost to buy a small bunch of flowers once in a while or take her to the movies or a restaurant, (doesnt have to be the best one the company will mean more to her than the bill).
Take a long and hard look at your life and take action now to get yourself out of this period of negativity and ask you wife to help you so that you can move forward together.
i wish you luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey I liked your answers , Thanks
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A
female
reader, AllyCat +, writes (2 July 2008):
 wow, what a blow....
writing a letter is the coward's way, so i guess she's too scared to confront you. what i suggest is a romantic dinner, flowers, to show her you still care and that you want to talk. discuss the situation calmly and diplomatically and whatever you do don't raise your voice at her. listen to what she has to say and don't cut in. prompt her to be entirely honest with you, if it hurts, don't bite back. together look for solutions to the problems and be open to compromise. if you love her and she still loves you, you can work it out, it may take time, but show her that you are willing to accept her advice/ideas and try to change...if that's what you want. take care and good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Ok you want to stay happy married, then unfortunately you better listen to what she says. This lady means business it sounds like an ultimatum to me. She's told you what she wants, surely you know enough about your wife to remember some of the things she has told you in the past. Get the letter and try to do each and everything on the list. I'll try to start with the easiest...
1) do things spontaneously for others - Find somebody on the street and give them a big hug, bring her home a stone on the street every day.
2) utilise outflow as a focus rather than obsessing on inflow - Don't ever mention how much money is coming in. Draw up a budget and examine where money is spent unwisely
3) demonstrate good "havingness" - you'll have to do this on your own, I haven't a clue what she means
4) are positive and happy about life - Write a list of 100 things that you intend to do before you die. Think of things that will only make you happy, then you will feel positive. Tell her that your trying but it's hard to be happy when your marriage is breaking down and you have to act in an unatural way just to keep her. Ask her to pretend to be happy and then you'll pretend to be happy too.
5) are grateful and appreciative of what they have and express this to others - Tell her everyday one thing you are thankfull for. Make sure that one thing always mentions something about her.
6) enjoy being generous and get a buzz out of it - Get a £10 note and change into one pennies. Give away a penny a day to a stranger and smile every time you do it. Make sure you tell her what you have done and how it felt.
She sounds like a "half full glass" woman and she's married a "half empty glass" man, she probably thought you would change over the years, but the way you feel about money and life is causing her unhappiness and wearing her down.
I'm suggesting you try to show her that your willing to change a little to make her happy. I hope I've shown you a way that you can do this and still have fun. That's her main issue I think. She wants to have more fun out of life, than worrying about money and bills and problems. Just try to meet her halfway. Try it for a month and then present her with your own list, and tell her marriage is a two way contract based on compromises on both sides and demand she change her ways for a month for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Wow. She's had that pent up for a while. I'm talking years. It's good that she's finally coming clean to you. I think that's a sign that she really does care for you and wants another chance at your marriage. Now that you know what she wants, can you set reasonable goals with her to change your attitude and outlook of the world?
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