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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Can you guys tell me how this friends with ex things works because it has me baffled!!! How can you truly be friends with an ex when one part of the couple has rejected the other or both parts have? What are the reasons that an ex would want to be friends with you? How do you act around the ex?My ex and I broke up on Monday (he did the breaking up although I was having doubts too), but he is the son (he is 23; I am older) of family friends. We traditionally go over to their house on Boxing Day but I don’t know whether to go or not. I am hurting from things he said (he was using lame excuses to break up with me that didn’t ring true) and yet in the next sentence he said to me ‘I know you have never been friends with ex’s but I really like you, I don’t want you to hate me, I know what I’m getting you for Christmas’ and was making all these plans for us next year!!! I am so confused. He said I’ll send you a text to go out this week but I have heard nothing from him. I can’t say I mind too much but I just feel really disappointed right now with how things turned out. So, do I go on Boxing Day? I don’t want to hurt his family’s feelings (his Mum is my Mum’s best friend and I was bridesmaid at hmy ex's parent’s wedding 26 years ago) because they are so lovely and I had already agreed to go some months ago; but I just don’t know what to do. In some ways I want to do the thing that will most get to my ex!!! Some people have said to me go in there looking absolutely stunning so he regrets his decision; others have suggested that I say I have a headache and can’t make it. But of course they’ll know that is an excuse!! Maybe I could just go out elsewhere. I think his Mum in particular will be upset if I don’t go. Also, I don’t know what to do about the whole present giving thing. He seemed really excited saying ‘I know exactly what I’m getting you!’ but I don’t know if I can accept a present from him after splitting up from him only a week ago. It feels weird; this person who has just rejected you is then immediately saying all these nice things to you and buying Christmas presents!!! What is that all about? I don’t want to hurt his feelings despite whats happened, but can I refuse the gift or would it be better to just accept the gift graciously? I would feel weird accepting it. I haven’t got him a gift.I have always made a clean break from a relationship that has ended because usually one or the other is unable to move on (and it is usually me). I am not sure how I would feel seeing him with a new girlfriend, particularly if he was really loving with her.
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best friend, broke up, christmas, move on, my ex, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, honest-answerxx +, writes (24 December 2006):
sometimes it is difficult to be friends with an ex especially so soon after a split. both of you need time away from eachother for the simple fact if you were to sleep with eachother it wont be a good idea with the feelings you still have n there wont be any chance of being friends. it is just unfortunate that the split was near christmas but u have made arrangments to go to they're house dont let him see that the split effects u enough to change your plans over x mas, if you feel uncomfortable leave early n say you've promised a friend youd'visit somtime on that day- no1 can complain at least youve showed your face n showed ur ex that it hasnt effected you. if he talks to you talk bk but if he talks about the split just tell him its not the right time or place, if he resects you he will understand. as for the present if he gives you 1 say that you wouldnt feel right taking it but if he replies with no take it i bought it for you, accept it. he says he wants to be your friend! only time will tell if he actually wants that or if he's trying to let you down gently by making you feel the relationship you had wasnt for nothing that you've made a friend out of it. if you feel you cant be his friend then just be on talking terms, be polite n only talk when need be n see where it goes from there. NEW YEAR, NEW LIFE enjoy it.
A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (23 December 2006):
 It is too soon to know about being 'friends with your ex'. Things are way too confusing right now for both of you. In my experience, which is probably not everyone's view, is that you have to sort out the baggage first. You said you both had issues and doubts so all these are mixed up right now. One day he/you feels one way, then the next feelings are different, and these need to settle down. Who knows what the future brings? As for his family, perhaps you could ring and say how you care for them but right now things are a bit too sensitive to cope with being part of the family. It could take days/weeks/months/years for things to be right for both of you but you have to move on, maybe have a break from each other and then see how you feel after being apart. There is also no need to be enemies, there is no rule, just go with your gut feeling and keep communication channels open as you both sound to have honesty and respect for each other. As for going and looking stunning, would you really want to keep him if he was only after your looks?
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