A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you get over not having a physical attraction to someone?I met the most amazing guy. Which is not something I say easily or throw around, I have been married and never talked that way about my ex husband. We have been talking for a few weeks now. Anyway, he is funny as hell, fun as hell, always says the right thing, he's caring, complimentary... The only thing that is missing is the attraction. He is overweight. I'm having an extremely hard time getting past this. I don't want it to bother me. I feel shallow and awful and stupid, how can someone be so great and you can't get past something like their looks? I met him online. And normally I wouldn't have even responded but something drew me to his personality and we started talking in a friendly way, then evolved into whatever it is now. He knows I am not attracted to him. Before we were talking the way we are now I had told him what my type is. He said he is now going to the gym, which he had been wanting to do for awhile, but says he now has the motivation. I haven't been pushing him to, I want to like him for how he is anyway. Is there any way to get over what someone looks like when there is no attraction at all? Has anyone ever dated someone they couldn't imagine being physical with but eventually were able to get past it? I feel terrible saying it but I'd even feel embarrassed to introduce him to friends and family... Please don't judge me, I have done it enugh.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (2 October 2013):
 Have you ever seen that reality show, "Dating in the Dark"? It's a dating experiment. Three men and three women live in separate parts of a house and only date each other in the dark, so that the emphasis is placed on emotional compatibiity rather than physical attraction. At the end of the dates, they get to see who they've been dating and then make a decision whether they want to continue seeing the person. I've found that the results of the dating experiment were amazing. A woman can totally connect with a guy on an emotional level, but if he is not physically appealing to her, most times she will walk away. The men, on the other hand, were willing to give a woman a chance, even though she's not his physical type, because they connect on an emotional level. I've even seen guys reject absolutely beautiful girls because they did not really "connect".
Anyway, don't force yourself to fall in love with him. If the attraction is not there, it's not there. Don't settle. He'll make a great friend. Your true lover awaits you;)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 October 2013):
 You are not shallow! Obesity isn't healty, and few are attracted to that. Uts very basic, same as symetrical faces are more attractive. It is a sign of health. When choosing a partner we want a healthy one, instinctively. You dont choose what you are attracted to any more than you choose what gender you are attracted too. Being shallow means you arent willing to give people a chance if they arent 100% what you want. Wanting 70-85% of what you want/need is absolutely crucial to a successful relationship.
Maybe you can oveerlook a minor thing such as his right testical hanging lower than the left. Or overlook the probable fact that you arent attracted to his testicals at all. But there needs to be an overall attraction towards him at a physical level, or else it will not work. Sorry, thats just how it is. Take it from me, I dated a man I wasnt physically attracted to for 18 months. It just got worse over time, because at the beginning I was in love enough to overlook it. But it was imlossible in the end. You cant fight your natural attraction any more than a gay man can convince himself to be attracted to women.
Excuse the typoes, writing on my phone..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 October 2013):
 I think most people can't. They SAY they can, but actually they make do, out of convenience, loneliness,insecurity etc.- or for being politically correct and not to be deemed " shallow ".
But, they can't- they keep longing for that physical spark that's not there- maybe they don't even realize it consciously, but something is missing. sorely.
Of course, often some people are so great that they grow on you and you come to accept or ignore their imperfections- a big nose looks smaller , a bald spot looks cute, a crooked smile becomes endearing..
But, I think that works when you start from a place of indifference, like someone is no great shakes, does not quite excite you, he's not right your type, yet you think he's sort of Ok even if nothing special atm. In time, he COULD become special.
But if you start from a place of total aversion, of dealbreaking physical traits, of nearly revulsion, how can you do to overcome that ? , and why ,at the end of the day, SHOULD you overcome it? We are made of body and spirit, we need a partner that to some extent also satisfies out physical senses, including sight.
After all, that's what a lover is, someone who engages our mind AND senses. If he only engages our mind, let him be the funniest wittiest wisest nicest guy in the worl, he'll only feel like a friend.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (2 October 2013):
Anything is possible but there will come a time where you will test the waters and there could become a physical attraction. I have a couple of female friends who are just friends we talk hang out together and do things but there is nothing physical and they understand it and I understand it. But there is always a time though when they may decide, hey this is a great guy, great looker has money, personality and not afraid to commit to what I call the full package. At that point of time you can go for it or try any ways. I have been dating my girlfriend almost four years and nothing will separate us. She even comes along with me at times. Nothing weird or kinky. Bowling, jogging, mountain biking and other sports. But when we get married next year all this will come to an end and the friendships will carry on in a different format of course. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 October 2013):
I think some people can get over it and some people can't.
One of my best friends is with a guy(and expecting a baby)that she didn't find very attractive to begin with. He's definitely not the type of guy I would imagine her with and even she's surprised. But to her, because they had a lot in common and he treats her well and takes care of her, she says the attraction grew.
But for some people (me for example) if there's no attraction it's just not going to happen. I was recently dating a guy that I wasn't very attracted to, but I thought he was funny, nice and had a lot of qualities that I was looking for in a guy. But the lack of attraction on my part made it hard for me to kiss him or even want to be very affectionate with him...I just wasn't really into him since I wasn't physically attracted to him.
So it really just depends on what you can handle. If you're repulsed at the thought of even kissing him, then it will probably hinder you from trying to stay with him just because he has a great personality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): Personally I think you can or least you could give it a little time and if things do not change then end it. But I would like to add that everone has been 'understanding' and/or non judgmental but if you was a MAN posting the exact question he would of been totally hung, drawn and quartered for even contemplating breaking up with a GIRL over her weight. Just saying... Double standards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): My husband gained 90 lbs after marriage. Its been over 10 years and he wont lose it. I long ago lost all physical attraction for him even though I still appreciate his great personality.
In short. Don't do it. What distinguishes a "relationship" from a good friendship? Emotional intimacy which also tied to sex. If you have no physical attraction to someone, sex will feel rather disturbing wont it? That's going to eventually kill the intimacy.
This is not the same thing as old married couples who cant have sex because of health problems. Their lack of sex is not due to lack of attraction to each other where they are able to feel attracted to others.
In your case, having no attraction to this guy means it is only a matter of time when you will met and fall fully in love with another guy (including the attraction). It is not a question of "if" but "when" especially since you are still very young and have decades of life ahead of you. When that happens then your current relationship will be in jeopardy because its missing a key element that sets apart a relationship from a friendship.
If you feel no attraction then this relationship does not have what it takes to be a real relationship. It is only half a relationship. You can't force feelings of desire where there are none nor should you have to. And faking desire is bad and doesn't work long term too.
He needs to find a woman who does naturally find him attractive as he is. She is out there somewhere. My brother in law has always been very overweight and had a hard time attracting girls as a result and only recently in his 30s did he get his first girlfriend who is also overweight like him and they just got married.
I am not saying that only overweight people can be attracted to other overweight people. I am just saying that there are people for whom that doesn't matter in their attraction. You are NOT shallow for not being such a person.I am not either. I admit I don't find my husband physically attractive anymore because he gained 90 lbs. It took me years to admit that after trying to force myself to feel attracted but failing and feeling guilty. It does hurt he intimacy and we have been to counseling. Unfortunately he is the only one who van control where this goes because he can control his weight if he chooses to and puts in enough effort whereas I can't change my psychological instincts to magically not find his obesity unattractive. If his guy you're dating loses weight to where you find him physically attractive that's great but if he doesn't there's nothing wrong in admitting you just can't feel a physical desire for him. Then its best to end the relationship so he and you can find someone that you each will have a full chemistry with.
Again sex is what sets intimate exclusive relationships apart from friendships and family relationships. Therefore quality mutually-enjoyable sex is important for this kind of relationship and you wont get it from anyone else due to the monogamy demanded of such relationships. To have enjoyable sex you need to feel sexual desire for that person. Physical attraction is necessary to feel sexual desire. That's why your relationship needs to be redefined to be just a platonic friendship or brother/sister best friend type of relationship not a romantic exclusively relationship or you will each end up bitter and resentful eventually.
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A
female
reader, little sue  +, writes (2 October 2013):
Yes you can I am in a relationship with a wonderful man funny . Charming everything I could ever as for but he eas definitely not my type when we met (also on a dating site )he is very tall and skinny with a few bad teeth (not disgustingly just missing a few )and my type used to be muscly tattooed men but I fell in love with him instatntly even though he wasnt my usual type and he got more attractive to me the longer we were together its been a year now and we have just got married and my god he is the sexiest man alive in my eyes and now I look at my old type and think look what wonderful relatio ships I had missed out on because I was shallow
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 October 2013):
 Hey there.
I've been in your shoes. For me, no, there was no getting past it. My ex was an absolutely wonderful and amazing person. The best person I've ever met. But the attraction was lacking for the same reason as yours. I battled and battled with myself and told myself this person was everything I'd ever looked for in a partner and to get over this issue. I tried for over six months but it wound up being too much. I was in a relationship with my absolute best friend but nothing more.
People say looks don't matter, but they do. Wanting to be physical and having a sexual attraction to your partner is what makes our relationships different from our friendships. Having a romantic night out doesn't feel the same as when you get the butterflies or have that spark. Sex doesn't feel the same when it's not with a person you find absolutely sexy as hell. There's a key element missing.
I eventually ended the relationship and this person and I are still fantastic friends. will be for life. Perhaps you can overcome this issue. If you can't, don't feel bad. You're not shallow. You're human. Maybe you band him can remain great friends :)
I hope this helps.
Oh, and it's a bitch, isn't it?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 October 2013):
Hey there.
I've been in your shoes. For me, no, there was no getting past it. My ex was an absolutely wonderful and amazing person. The best person I've ever met. But the attraction was lacking for the same reason as yours. I battled and battled with myself and told myself this person was everything I'd ever looked for in a partner and to get over this issue. I tried for over six months but it wound up being too much. I was in a relationship with my absolute best friend but nothing more.
People say looks don't matter, but they do. Wanting to be physical and having a sexual attraction to your partner is what makes our relationships different from our friendships. Having a romantic night out doesn't feel the same as when you get the butterflies or have that spark. Sex doesn't feel the same when it's not with a person you find absolutely sexy as hell. There's a key element missing.
I eventually ended the relationship and this person and I are still fantastic friends. will be for life. Perhaps you can overcome this issue. If you can't, don't feel bad. You're not shallow. You're human. Maybe you band him can remain great friends :)
I hope this helps.
Oh, and it's a bitch, isn't it?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 October 2013):
 No judgment here. What people find physically attractive can vary wildly from person to person. Some people have a "type" they hardly ever date outside and others don't seem to. A great personality can compensate for quite a bit depending on the people involved, but unless you both plan on celibacy then a certain degree of physical chemistry is necessary too.
I'm tall for a woman and before my current relationship could not have imagined dating a man my height or shorter. It just felt weird to me. I probably passed over a lot of great guys because of that, to be honest. Then I met my current boyfriend, who except for being maybe an inch shorter than me is literally everything I had (and have) ever wanted in a partner. Guess what? The second I got to know him, his height ceased to be an issue for me. Not for a second did I not want to sleep with him after getting to know him as a person. And I'm really glad I did not let a shallow initial preference on my part keep me away from the most amazing person I've ever known.
I relate the above as an example of the type of minor issue that mental chemistry can overcome. But what you're dealing with here sounds significantly more serious - it's not that this guy isn't *quite* what you idealize physically, it's that you sound physically repulsed by him. If that is the case, I don't know that any amount of mental compatibility is going to help.
My question for you (sorry, but I'm going to be totally straightforward about this) is whether you could ever see yourself having sex with this guy if he doesn't lose the weight. Or if he loses the weight but gains some or all of it back, which is very common. Because without sex, it's a friendship. Maybe a really good and close friendship but a friendship nonetheless. And you can't enter into a relationship with this guy on the condition that he lose weight, or even the unspoken assumption that he'll do so. If you can't imagine loving him "as is," the kindest thing to do is let him go find the woman who will look at him with love in her eyes and think she wouldn't change a thing. Good luck and best wishes :)
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