A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so my gf had been acting weirdly for months and i found out she had an affair with a man howeever she only saw him 3 times and only had sex once. she was on medications and depressed with an eating disorder and huge self esteem issues and at the time i was not there for her because of work. i broke up with her and ended up getting back with her after 2 weeks during which time i slept with another woman. its been 2 months now and im still grumpy at tiny little things and always annoyed because i cant seem to forgive her. whats your experience, can you forgive a person after destroying your trust and crushing your heart?
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affair, broke up, crush, depressed, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Wish I had seen the nasty conclusion....
I'm not a mind reader, you didn't say anything like this in your first post, so how is anyone to know what you did or didn't do.
You were the one who mentioned you put work first, you were the one who mentioned you decided to break up with her, sleep with another woman, and take her back, only to continue being upset with her. She cheated and that was wrong, but as you yourself said... "at the time i was not there for her because of work"
I based my advice on only what you told us, treating a sick person like that will cause them further problems and maybe it's best if you let this woman go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto miamine... i had to work so much to pay for her treatments... her car payments... both our rent.. because she was too sick to do anything herself... i have supported her for years and been there for her every moment possible cooking her meals and doing everything in my power often lacking a ton of sleep because all i do is work and look after her... {Mod note: a nasty conclusion was deleted}
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 February 2012):
Yes you can forgive.. but if she has eating problems, depression, lacks self esteem and is on medication, a person like you isn't helping very much, your driving adding to her torment.She sounds like a very sick lady, and instead of helping,you put work first, dump her when she makes a mistake by looking for someone to love and treat her kindly. You take her back and keep punishing her, so adding to her feelings of self-hatred.If you can't treat this human in pain with a little more kindness, then let her go to find someone else who want reinforce her self-disgust. Yes it hurts when someone cheats on us, but I ask you, would you like to swap the way you feel about life for the way she feels about hers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): sometimes you can forgive and sometimes you can't. try to see what will happen if you think the relationship is worth saving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): you can forgive her to relieve the burden on yourself. but that's not the same thing as continuing a relationship with her. the trust has been broken. You can forgive someone (meaning your heart is healed) even though you don't trust them fully. But intimate relationships without trust, will wither and die and never flourish. So really it could be only possible for you to forgive her if you're no longer trying to be in a relationship with her.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 yes you can forgive a person if you have experienced great hurt, or you can struggle with the hurt for years. i have struggled with hurt that has crushed my heart. i have been there and it is no fun. you will have a load off if you totally forgive them, and if you are able to love them unconditionally. you have to be willing to accept her as she is. if you have enough love in your heart toward her to over come the hurt you will be able work things out. the thing is regaining trust that comes with time, by seeing who she is ( watching her character ).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 You can forgive a person so that the issue does not sting your heart anymore. Whether she is the right person for you is another story. You can simply decide that her good qualities do not outweigh her flaws and start fresh. You can forgive, support and be understanding but at the same time determine that a romantic relationship just wouldn't work.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (10 February 2012):
I'm sorry to say this, but my experience is that no - once trust has been broken and your heart has been crushed things will never be the same. My ex-wife cheated on me, I caught her, and for 3+ years I tried to "work through it" with her. I was the same way with her. I was moody, we fought a lot, and little things that didn't bother me before would set me off. I was in misery. In hindsight I fell out of love with her but didn't want to accept that it was over. It was only once I caught her cheating yet again that I filed for divorce. That's when the healing really started for me. Six months after the marriage ended I felt better than I had in a very long time. Today I have an awesome girlfriend and I'm happier than I ever was during my 10 years of marriage.Maybe your gf will be different, but the sad reality is that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is more often than not correct. The trust is gone, and getting it back will be very, very difficult... if it is even possible.Also, I question the "only met him 3 times and had sex once" story. A cheater that is caught will spit out any lie they think will make them seem "less bad". Believe me, you must think twice about EVERYTHING she says, because it may not be the truth. Can you live like that?Best of luck!
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