A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this beautiful girl back in November 2009. She was sweet, cute, fun and she made my heart skip a beat. She added me on MySpace and from there we started texting every day. She lived three hours away but I made my way to her for our first date on December 5, 2009. I took her back to my neck of the woods to a museum where we partook in faux CSI cases and learned cows where used in just about anything you could think of - even gum and tooth paste. We had a great time. A few dates later and we made our relationship exclusive. After two short months she moved in with me and I proposed. I took on the responsibility of an instant family as she had a very young child. I loved life and it apparently loved me back. After she moved in and became more comfortable she began to show a different side of herself that I had never seen before. We began arguing after only 3 months into our relationship and after 6 months she was breaking up with me after each time we bickered. She started to have excessive mood swings to which she would almost become another person. She would tell me awful things and put me down when I was doing the best I could. I stuck by her side because I loved her. I did this for 2.5 years. In March of 2012 I grew weary of the verbal lashings and I was at my breaking point. I couldn't take being punished for things I never did to her. I was faithful, loyal, and honest, I worked two jobs and went to school and paid for her to live, eat and go to school as well. I finally broke up with her. I spent the first week or so mopping, crying and trying not to show depression for what I was going through albeit it was rather impossible as we shared the same house. All the while she was acting normal. I questioned why she acted like this didn't affect her and she stated that if you can't fix it there was no need to cry about it and on several occasions called me a cry baby. After a fight in May, I really gave up everything I was trying to hold on to. The love letters I was writing, the sweet gestures she threw in the trash, and the dates I begged her to go on; she didn't care about any of it. I left for PA at the end of May. A few weeks before I left my best friend was bringing up a friend of his that he wanted me to marry. She was a college graduate who had plans to go back to school for her masters, she lived on her own and made her own money and she had her own car. She did things without the help of anyone and that was really attractive. I pulled the weight in my relationship with no help in any aspect of my life with my ex despite asking her to do so.So I went up to PA with the idea that I would meet someone who was really awesome as a reminder that there are women out there who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I may have said inappropriate things in our message exchanges about what I would do to her (in response to his inappropriate emails) but in reality I know who I am. I am a hopeless romantic who dates for life... I am not a hit it and quit it person.Anyway, I met her and she was amazing. I was too drunk tired to really get to talk to her but we may have exchanged a handful of sentences. I just listened rather. She even referenced dinosaurs for me... after hearing only once a few months back that I liked them. It was nice. Anyway, the ex back home got wind of this rendezvous which was just a few friends hanging out....and I got reamed for it. Publically, I might add through Facebook as if I was depicted as this awful cheating person. I didn’t' do anything and this other women who my best friend wanted me to meet had no idea that he was planning our engagement. She didn't know about the exchange of messages or him singing her praises in efforts to merely SHOW ME that there are women out there who will really love me without the abuse. So after the weekend subsided my ex and I decided to try to work things out. I was very reluctant to do so but she promised to change and now decided she wanted children and marriage with me after saying she wasn't made for long term relationships and commitment (before I left for PA of course). The whole package was convincing enough for me and I decided I would give it a go for the sake of the 2.5 years I dealt with such hardship. She did change for the most part. She bit her tongue when she would normally yell; she surprised me with lunch and picked up the house. She was really starting to improve in some aspect but change isn't overnight.The thing that is bothering me now is that I just can't seem to feel the spark that was once there. I don't feel romantic; I don't feel like I WANT to be there even though in my heart I WANT to WANT to be there.... I want to fall in love again and feel the magic that was us... the magic that made me propose to her after a few weeks... the magic that had us planning our wedding and our children and what our house would look like.So my question is.... CAN YOU FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN? CAN YOU FALL BACK INTO LOVE AGAIN??or is the little voice in the back of my head that whispers this other women's name a reminder that I want MORE from life than just to fall back into a relationship with someone as if history doesn't repeat itself?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 July 2012):
Hi there. I think you should always listen to that little voice in your head about what you really want.
That is your intuition talking to you.
Or your higher self - the part of you that knows what needs to happen and what is the best thing to do, which serves you in the highest purpose.
In other words, the highest good for all concerned.
And specifically, the highest good for you.
The first woman who you have the 2.5 year history with, seems rather insecure, and perhaps is a bit envious or even jealous of the freedom you have, being that she has to stay home with her young child all day, whereas you can leave each day to go to work or study as the case may be.
So in that way, you have freedom. She does not.
Staying home with the child all day, with no other adult company can be pretty isolating and lonely.
And even more so, if she just stays in the house and doesn't go out for a walk or to meet friends for a coffee.
People need people. We all need some company.
And obviously, one person has to go out and work, so that some money comes in to pay the bills and rent, so it's impossible for her to have you home all day anyway.
She knows this naturally, and also knows that you can't survive WITHOUT you going out to work each day.
It could be her lack of freedom that is behind her moodiness towards you.
Not blaming you as such, more that she feels the frustration of not having many options in her life, right now.
Well, at least until her child starts school - which will allow her to consider some part-time work.
And another point well worth mentioning to you, is that as her child is still very young, it is possible, that from when that child was born, she may have had post natal depression, which might not have been detected as it was only very mild.
This can happen and can completely slip through the net in the diagnosis phase.
She may have felt these depressive feelings a few weeks after the birth, and never did anything about it, as she probably thought she was just tired.
Because there are varying degrees of post natal depression, from mild to extreme and everything in between.
Some woman just become a bit moody, and yet others in the extreme can harm their babies, or simply choose to abandon them altogether.
It's only a possibility, and it is certainly worth considering, just the same.
The other point I was thinking about, is that perhaps she does suffer from depression anyway.
I am talking about clinical depression.
It could be, and it might not also.
In any case, once a woman goes through a pregancy and then gives birth, the hormones all start going back to the balance of pre-pregnancy, which can have some quite dramatic affects, as you are seeing for yourself.
As the child is no longer a baby now, those hormones would most likely already be back to normal levels once again.
It does seem though, that apart from being tied to the house because her child is too young at the moment for her to work, that she might be feeling a little insecure in the relationship and with a real fear of losing you as well.
She loves you still, and at the same time, she has this knawing feeling of being closed in which makes her moody and snappy etc., and then she is aware that her moodiness and unpredictability isn't in her best interests, as far as the relationship is concerned.
So it's a vicious circle that she is in.
And not knowing what path to take, to fix it once and for all.
I guess you could say that she is in limbo. A stalemate.
She can't go out to work, because her child is not yet at school, and so needs full time care.
And as a result of that, she relies on you very heavily as her only means of both emotional and financial support.
So if you quit on her, she is at a loss as to what she can do for money.
And as you are not the biological father to this child of hers, it is therefore NOT your responsibility to support this child.
You probably feel a sense of responsibility, although you are definitely NOT legally bound to do so.
And especially, as it isn't working out the way you would have liked, well then that's all the more reason to seriously consider entering a relationship with this new woman, who you obviously really have a great rapport with.
Your ex girlfriend has no hold over you, and there and no laws binding you to that relationship, no matter what kind of emotional storm she tries to create.
And don't let her make you feel guilty about leaving her, either.
It is your choice, after all.
Engagements can be broken at any time, and it's much easier to call it quits now, rather than decide a year after you are married to do so.
You already know that it is no longer working, and it's very unlikely that she is really any different now, than how she was before you went the PA.
Because you said yourself, that she was nice at first and then once you moved in together, that she started to show her true colours.
So even if you did move back with her again, she could only pretend to be a different person for so long.
A person can't go on indefinitely pretending to be different from who they are, because it's inevitable that they will revert back to who they really are, before long.
So yes, history would almost certainly repeat itself.
You must follow your heart here, and do what you feel is right for you.
Listen to that little voice in her your head.
It always gives you the right information.
This new woman you met, is already helping you to see how good a relationship can really be.
And it is also showing you a clear comparison between her and the lady with the young child.
And it seems clear, that you already know who you really desire to be with.
And it is NOT the lady with the young child, is it?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I think this other woman has made you realise that you are just not happy in your current relationship. She has put you through so much that sometimes things just can not just go back to the way they where no matter how hard you try the damage has already been done. You sound like a good guy who will take care of a girl. It sounds like your girlfriend does not appreciate you therefore I think you should end things and get your life back on track.
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