A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been a serial monogamist. 3 years, 2 year, 1 and 1/2 year relationship. I've never really "dated" multiple people at once. Call me Old fashioned - but it seems disloyal. Am I wrong? Within the last 3 months, I started dating for the first time in years. Past 3 dates - I feel like you should just focus on the person or move on? Is that crazy?Most recently I asked I guy I had been seeing for 5 weeks (4 or 5Times a week - him calling every day) - where I stood. . He freaked out and now hasn't called in 4 days.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2012):
 While 5 weeks is a short time if you are “dating” (that means he takes you out one maybe two nights a week) seeing someone 4 or 5 times a week for 5 weeks is like 20-25 dates… and daily phone calls as well… well he came on like gang busters and crashed and burned just the same way.
BEST advice… and while it sounds like game playing it always has worked:
GO slow
One date a week for the first few weeks asked at least 3 days in advance
Then maybe 2 dates a week… the midweek date can be more casual… NO SEX
I personally do not think you were wrong in asking a man you have been seeing nearly every day of the week for five weeks where you stand…
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Not a class act that one. Better it happen now than several months from now. Better still not at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): Well that answers that OP. Stick to like-minded 'one person at a time' people. Then this kind of thing won't happen again. The thing with 'options' people is not only do you stand less of a chance because you're in direct competition with others but if you do even the most minor thing that makes them pause they can throw you away like a bad habit or put you lower in the standings as compared to the other people they're seeing. The friends of mine that do that, lovely people by the way, are very cut-throat and inconsiderate to a lot of the guys they date because they always have one who is their favourite at a certain time and very often they treat the non-favourites like a nuisance unless their primary guy has somehow stepped out of line, then they just pick one of their backups and start acting nice to them instead.
That's why I always demote them mentally to only being good for sex and will gear everything towards sleeping with them and once I've done that walking away. Dating someone like that is hassle because you have to doubly careful. She may have a very nice date last night that put one guy in the lead and made him seem the best in her opinion and you say one minor wrong thing and you're screwed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI literally just drove past him walking down the street "arm and arm" wih another girl. He saw my car so I text him "yep that was me that just drove past you on my way out". He text back "ok. Great". ouch
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): You are right to do whatever feels right. I personally wouldn't date anyone if I knew he is dating several women at the same time.You asksd him a legitimate question after seeing a guy for at least 20 times. He handled it like a scared child not like a grown man. All he had to do is to tell you how it is. He could of told you that he likes you very much, ( that was an obvious fact, as he was calling you every day, right?), but because you only dating for 5 weeks you both need to see how it will develop or something like that, but not to freak out and run.That's not an action of a grown up man.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 October 2012):
I almost forgot about your last comment.Five weeks is a bit soon in my opinion to start calling it a relationship. His reaction though is a bit over the top. Not very mature.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 October 2012):
I think it is fine to date other people until you've decided on the one you want to devote your time and effort to. I don't like the idea of having dibbs on someone you're still making your mind up about. By 'date' I mean actually GO OUT on dates, not have sex, not hang out at each other's houses or engage in heavy petting and all that. If he is not my boyfriend, I would not treat him as one. So that also includes sharing very intimate details about myself, and introducing him to my friends and family. I would maintain a certain formality for as long as possible so that when I did start to open up and allow him in, he would appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (9 October 2012):
 No, I dated the same way. I went on dates with one guy, if he didn't work then we parted ways and moved on. Dating multiple people at once makes no sense to me. If he was worth more than a date then we would try to make it serious, if not then he's gone. Why drag him along with a few others if he wasn't worth trying to make a serious relationship with? So you aren't wrong there. And with this guy, you had been talking and seeing each other very frequently and for 5 weeks... That's a sufficient time to ask where this is going. It's not like you asked after one date. He obviously has commitment phobia and it's good you found out. And he is immature, as a mature man would state how it made him feel rather than ignore you for 4 days. Don't worry about your dating style because of one immature guy. You are fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): Of course you can and you're not crazy. It's my preferred way of dating and I won't even consider a relationship with a girl who is also seeing others, they demote themselves to 'sex only' in my mind. I will never be a girl's "option" or be some kind of idiot directly competing with other guys for a girl who thinks that she could be viewed as a potential partner in that way. I understand why people so it, I have nothing against people who do that, they're just not for me.
I think with this guy it's simple, it was too soon for him and you freaked him out. Personally I think he's being a bit weird and immature, all he had to do was say "well, at the moment I'm enjoying dating you and I don't want that to change for now." Instead he freaks out the very first time you actually ask him a very reasonable question? He's not the kind of guy who'd going to commit to you OP. I think if you want something more serious then this guy just can't handle that.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Hi
He clearly thought it was too soon and felt pressurised,so has now vanished in a puff as he didn't want to be labelled as the boyfriend.
Everyones different, some people only date when they want to be in a serious relationship,so are careful who they choose.If you have been good friends beforehand and so know them well,thats fine.
When you ask somebody fresh out its because you want to get to know more about them,because theres chemistry.The only thing to worry about is sex,you have to know they are only sleeping with you before you go to that level,before you commit,that they are monogamous.Without sex involved you can date whoever really at any one time.Its not something I like doing.
To ask a man after 5 weeks is a bit early,he showed all the signs of being interested,communication was good.He was still getting to know you though and wasn't on the same page as you thats all.
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