A
female
age
41-50,
*allmama
writes:I've been having an affair with the same man for 9 years. He and his wife are both physicians and have a certain "appearance/status" to uphold in their community . I had his baby when we had been together for 6 years. His wife found out and forbid him to talk to me anymore. So, for 2 years I did not see him, I just received money monthly for the baby. We began talking again a year ago. He recently found out his wife has also been carrying on an affair, it didnt seem to bother him too much. I have never thought of him leaving his wife to be with me. Honestly, I enjoy the relationship EXACTLY the way it is. I question his judgement and his rational (ie: having me to his house while his wife is out of town) I guess my question is "Can you be in love with 2 people at the same time"?? Im just curious. Please know I am not in LA LA land. I know he will never leave her and I don't want him any other way. There is no daily responsibility with the relationship we have now. FYI: I am too married, not happily but I am married.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 August 2010):
 I'm not sure that it is "too much to ask" Most people want those things. I certainly wouldn't expect the doctor to offer more anytime soon. Your Husband?, well I just don't know enough at this point. He may be ready to make that kind of offer. Take a look at what he is giving you already. From my point of view he seems to be headed in the right direction.
One thing is certain, you will have to make some changes in your life in order to get to where you want to be.
FA
A
female
reader, Tallmama +, writes (12 August 2010):
Tallmama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFatherly Advice:
Thank you so much. You broke that down perfectly. I know one of these days I will want more for myself. I deserve better all around. It's hard sometimes when you are unhappy with the situation you are in......it feels as though I will never be able to escape and finally get what I dream about and that's just simply a meaningful relationship without all the CRAP! Bottom line is I just want to be loved, respected and cared for and most of all I want security. I guess that's too much too ask from either of these men right? (BIG SIGH)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 August 2010):
Interesting Tallmama,
I have always thought that women would be more likely to love two people at the same time. Because you are unable to do a thing is no evidence that another person is unable. But, because something is possible is also no evidence that it is happening. Especially in this case. Loving two people at the same time is difficult. The sad fact is that most male cheaters love themselves most. Of course that refers to the kind of guy who has quick affairs. The length of this affair is pretty unusual.
I just don't know what to say the truth might be in this case where everyone is cheating on their spouse. As if you are all only married for convenience but having affairs with the people you would prefer to be with.
I understand that you ask the question, "can he love her and you?", so that you can figure out where you stand in his life. I can't tell where his true loyalties lie. As a guide I usually look at it this way. He gave you a baby, and an evening every now and then. He gave her the ring and the title and the inheritance, and he comes home to her every night. Off the cuff you are a close second. Many "other women" are much worse off.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): being in love/ loving a person same difference? cheating is cheating and i think you are taking your hb for granted, yes he may have cheated on you but he is to be ad,ired for acceptin another mansseed as his own while being married. what exactly are you seeking. you say you are not ashamed having sex in your married lovers home and bed while his wife is not there. so you question regarding loving 2 people at the same time- this should not be an issue. the real issue is that you are married. you had your lovers kid. your husband is not saddled with taking care of her. you have continued to cheat. your husband cheated previously. you have other children as well. what a mess! for you , your hb, your lover , his wife and all your children concerned. your "issue" should be how to make this dysfunstional family "whole". have you not considered the impact of your wrong doing?
i guess you are now even with your husband. he cheated, you are cheating. the only people who are stuck in this so called happy marriage family life are the kids. food for thought??
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A
female
reader, Tallmama +, writes (10 August 2010):
Tallmama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous female reader: ;)
No I am not ashamed. Not at all. It is what it is. My husband loves my daughter and treats her like his own. The issue is not the child she is well loved by all and financially taking care of.
Fatherly Advice:
I wonder what goes through his mind on occassion. I wonder how he can carry on 2 different worlds (one I am in and another his immediate family is in). We have been through a lot together and I know it's not just "SEX" as many would like to believe. I know from my point of view I have fallen out of love with my husband. I was cheated on by him the 1st month we were married (I have been with him for 14 years). Cheating was never an option for me EVER, then around the 6th time of being cheated on, I met this man. He made me feel important and loved and the rest is history. Not too sure why I stay with my husband if anything, I can say Im nervous and I dont want my children to grow up without a father figure in the home. So, when I think "can you love 2 people at the same time" my answer is no.......but I dont think like a man does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): what does your husband say to him raising another mans kid?
are you not ashamed to be in another womans house just to have sex with her husband while she is not there.
you are right. you are not living in la la land.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 August 2010):
The Short answer to your question is yes. It is unusual, but there are people that can love more than one person. The better question is, "can they make loving two people work?". That answer is almost always "not for very long."
The burning question in my mind is, Why do you want to know?
FA
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