A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This relationship has me so confused that I can no longer think straight as the reality of what’s going on. I met my boyfriend about 3 years ago on an online dating website. We are both in our mid 20’s. We met each other after a week and he moved in with me after a couple of months. At the time I was living about 800miles for any family and friends and he moved to the new city with me. We got on so well and he gave up his bad habits for me like smoking. He gets very aggressive and obnoxious when he drinks. He has cut down the drinking but doesn’t know when to stop when he does drink.The things that I didn’t know before he moved in with me was that he hadn’t had a job for 8 years because he was to busy getting high and bumming about. He originally told me that he was working in gardening. When he told me the truth I was shocked but I was willing to look past it as long as he would get his act together. He eventually got a job as a part time sale assistant. I told him he should look for a passionate career where he could also progress and grow. He promised to apply for better jobs but he never did. Things just slowly got worse. We would have really good moments where we would get on so well and have the same morals about certain aspects of life. But then if I don’t agree with him or he upsets me and I tried to express myself politely, he gets very defensive and shouts “ I don’t want to here anymore, don’t talk to me today!”( sometimes with a lot of swearing) , so I say nothing and then he will ask me after a coupe of hours “so are you in a mood now?” (Like in an annoyed tone). I will say “no im fine” (cause im too upset to deal with an argument). Then he’ll have a go at me and say im moody. Then I try to keep the peace by talking about good things. I feel like I cant express myself to him because it just results in his anger. Sometimes he does apologies for his behavior after a day. I have also asked him too stop swearing to much but he never tries. Every other sentence has a few curses in it. Its to negative and annoying. He says its an old habit that he’s working on. But theres was no progress in the 3 years.So about 4 months ago I caught him spending our joint account money on porn and strippers( he masturbated too). This really hurt me as I felt lied to and completely betrayed. He always used to say that men who did that to their girlfriends were scumbags. The whole thing made me awful as I had put weight on and I couldn’t have sex all the time due to a physical problem I was seeing the doctor about. He said he did it because we hadn’t has sex. This made me feel terrible. I lost more self esteem and have become less attracted to him. Not only did he spend our money on that stuff but during that time he said he couldn’t buy me a birthday card cause he had no money (that’s cause he spent it all on that stuff). I was left upset, angry and hurt. I was ready to leave. But he begged me to stay, he said he would change and that he would find a better job. I decided to give him one last chance.At this point though I was completely depressed. I was overweight, had a lot of hurt about my relationship, I missed my family and felt completely isolated. I gave up most of my friends to spend all my time with him ( I think I did this because I didn’t trust him to be alone). During the whole relationship I put on 25kg. This is the most weight ive ever had. So I decided I need to move closer to family. He said he was going to move with me and he did. We now live in our own flat near family. However all the promises he made when he hurt me have disappeared. He is back to his usual self. He complains about work but does nothing about it. He kind of expects me to help him with that. Like I’m starting my own online business and he keeps saying that he wants to be apart of it so he doesn’t need to work for anyone else. I don’t want him to be involved it in. Its my project and I want it to be my story, my career and my passion. I feel guilty for saying that but its always as if hes relying on me. I told him to create his own online business but he just says “ I don’t know, im not interested in anything, I want to be apart of your business”. This is really a turn off for me that hes not trying to better himself for himself. I pay for more than half of nearly everything and this month I am paying for everything because he didn’t have a job for a month. When tell him how I feel about this he says “ my job doesn’t make much money and plus it was your idea to move so you’ll have to pay”. This gets me so upset because its not like he hates it here. He said he really likes this city. I’m getting tired of paying for nearly everything. It like I fell in love with his potential but he never rises to it. Nearly everyday he gets passive aggressive about things and it brings my self esteem down. I don’t trust him and I cant talk to him about any on this because he gets defensive and shouts at me. He says im the one with the problem. But all I do is talk politely. Another thing that annoyed me is his best friend is a dead beat stoner that just talks filth about women and life. I feel like he just brings my bf down in a horrible pit but my bf loves him to bits and makes every excuse for him. His family can also be so dysfunctional. I don’t think I want kids with a family that behaves so aggressively at times.Your probably wondering why I am with him. Well I find myself so attached to him and we do have good moments where we get on and have a laugh. He can be caring when im sick or othertimes. He accepts me with my illnesses and say he still finds me beautiful. We also agree a lot on certain aspects in life. I feel like he could such an amazing person if he let go of all this negativity, complaining, anger and terrible friends. I get really bad anxiety at the thought of not being with him. I always wonder that “ What if I let him go and he learns him lesson and treats the next gf right”. I’m hoping he will change with time but I just don’t know anymore. I do love him and I do so much for him. However the reality is that I feel stuck and I feel like most of my daily emotions are spent thinking about “ what do I really feel for this guy”.. im so confused. QUESTIONS:What do I do? Why am I finding it hard to let go? Can I let go of him slowly? If I decide to stay, how do I get him to change? How do I get myself esteem back whilst in this relationship? Why is he treating me like this?
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (30 September 2015):
 Hi,
every previous reader has pretty much summed it up, but i will add my thoughts.
I would strongly encourage you to visit your local GP as soon as possible and ask for a referral, to see a counsellor and/or psychologist.
This way you can get down to the absolute root of everything going on in your life and everything negative that you're feeling.
By seeing a professional, will only confirm that you are in a toxic relationship, that appears to be going nowhere and this will be your point of realisation, to get out of it.
You "CAN" get out of this unhealthy, toxic and co-dependant relationship, however, you need to work on your own self-worth and self-esteem first and foremost, hence my suggestion.
This would actually help you immensely and would prepare you better, for future relationships too.
You will be better equipped to handle difficult situations, if/when they should arise in the future.
Once you come to the full realisation that you will "BE FINE AND YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOUR BF", only then will you feel strong and confident enough, to actually let him know, that your relationship is over for good.
I think that, without proper professional encouragement and guidance, you will find it hard to leave him, so working on your own self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem, makes perfect sense, as a starting point.
You've both been together quite a long while, "however", it's not the about the 'QUANTITY' that's most important, it's actually about the 'QUALITY'.
You want to create happy, positive and pleasant memories together, not look back upon most things, with regret, pain and sorrow.
With all due respect, you may not see this as your readers do, but from everything you've mentioned, your relationship lacks so much quality, but above all, it lacks a healthy, productive future.
How do i know?!
Quite simply, because i have been in a similar situation, but i could see what was going on and i walked away and never looked back.
Today, i am with a man who simply adores me and i only wish, that i'd met my partner 25 years ago.
Don't settle for second best, when you can have first best.
Your amazing 'other half' is somewhere out there, waiting for you too, but you've both yet, to meet one another. :-)
Again, my comments regarding 'you' seeing a counsellor, have nothing to do with 'you' being the source of the problem, on the contrary.
It is because you sound like such a wonderful, compassionate, loving, supprotive, committed and caring partner, that i would encourage you to seek professional support, so that you can put things into perspective more quickly, hence putting an end to this roller-coaster type relationship.
If you stay, all you truly have to gain, is more ongoing pain, heartache, worry and "stress".
"Stress" is not a good thing and can kill us more quickly, than most other things.
Let me ask you,
Do you wish to live the next 5 years of you life, in this way?
If you are saying 'no', which i suspect you are saying, then please do something about it and as soon as possible, because the longer we put things off, the longer it takes to move on and find healthy closure.
Once you've moved on and found your closure, you will be able to re-open your heart, when you feel truly and fully ready, to finding the best relationship ever.
If you keep trodding down this path with your current bf, you will never find or even know your full potantial, plus it will be even harder for you to let go and re-build your life and your self-esteem.
Your bf is pretty much, "loafing off you" and he will not stop doing this ever, as long as he can get away with it, because he "knows" you'll be there to take care of him and to support his many bad habits.
He is a man, he must learn to stand on his own two feet and be independant.
In my personal view, he would be very bad marriage material, or father material and you don't want to go there.
Why?
So obviously, because he has proven time and time again, that is is unable to take care of himself, or he is very cunning and knows how to pull your strings, which is also very likely.
Break this vicious cycle now, before it breaks "YOU"!
Again, this is actually not about your bf, but it's about you.
You are the one who works, you make all the money, he is living under your roof and tehcnically speaking, you are in control of things, not your bf.
YOU are in FULL CONTROL of what YOU CHOOSE to do and/or not do, within YOUR OWN LIFE.
It's that simple.
You can do whatever you want to and the fact that he treats you with disrespect on so many facets, should be a huge 'red flag' for you, to want to make that change.
You sound like an intelligent, amazing, creative, loving woman, who is going places, but your bf is going nowhere at this stage of his life and that is because of "his own choices made".
You two are not "growing" together and it will never happen, because if it were going to, it surely would have happened by now.
He'd be doing everything in his power, to show you that he wants a 'future' with 'you', but he isn't doing so and it appears, he has no interest to do so.
8 years to be unemployed, is a very long time.
He isn't setting a good example to himself, let alone to you.
He has proven to be unreliable and inconsistent, so much so, that he continually breaks promises made and if you stay with him, he will not be progressing forth, with you.
You'll never be in harmonious sync with each other and eventually you would come to see this, but wouldn't it be so much easier to just walk away now?
The other huge advantage, that would come out of you leaving him, is that he will be "forced" to pick himself up and be more "productive", as he'll no longer have you to support him and his needs.
Also, what you both do, after you both go seperate ways, is neither persons problem.
You just both get on with your respective lives and be truly happy in doing so and knowing that it was for the better, of both your goods.
You'd be doing yourself and he, the biggest favour and give yourself a much happier and brighter future.
All the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 September 2015):
 He has no reason to change and he does not want to change.
The first important change is no joint account. I suspect that more than half of the money in the joint account is yours so shift it out what is yours pronto into a new account and only in your name as soon as possible. (otherwise he can plunder it first if he hears that you want out)
Similarly make sure that any income only goes into your new ''own use only'' account.
Have a quiet word to your family. Get them on board. Ask if you can store some things with them temporarily before you can find a new place just for you.
Get all records and anything pertaining to your online business over to your parents.
If he knows any passwords associated with your business then change those passwords today.
Fortunately your online business can shift with you.
You need to shift out quickly. Speak to those you pay rent to and ask if you can leave and when. Let them know that you want to move out and that you are also breaking up with him.
They may not want him to stay, even if he wants to take over the lease. Since if he can't pay the rent he is a liability for them.
Make sure that your name is no longer on the lease when you move. Similarly get your name removed from any utility accounts when you move and settle up any accounts up to the day you move.
Get these essential changes made before you show any evidence of leaving since he could damage you financially if he becomes aware of your intentions before you have time to get things in order first.
Before you shift out start packing up progressively by packing up anything you can box up early and take over to your parent's home. Do this when he's not around as if he is unaware of the changes he can't put on one of his tantrums.
On the final day move out your remaining things fast. Leave the place spotless.
Have a family member present with you when you move out. Let him know that your name is not on the lease, and that the utilities accounts are not in your name anymore.
Advise him when another person is present that you are leaving.
Leaving a relationship can be a dangerous emotional period for a woman.
If you fear for your safety then move out when he is not home and leave him with a note explaining all the above for him to read when he arrives back at the apartment. Make sure you leave nothing that belongs to you so there is no reason
to bring you back to the apartment.
Do not agree to subsequently meet him to provide ''closure''.
He has been wasting your time and your money for too long. He's not going to change while there is no incentive to change.
For life balance and to work on you join a gym and find a heated pool for swimming. Exercise can help make you feel good.
And perhaps try a session with a Life Coach to evaluate your strengths and the areas you could develop.
You sound like a very capable well organized person. You don't need this guy dragging you down to his level as a Millstone around your neck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2015):
 I think that you two moved in together WAY too fast, but I suppose that is water under the bridge.
I also think you are both in a unhealthy co-dependent relationship.
He NEEDS you, because with you, he doesn't have to exert himself or push himself to do better in life, YOU are there to take the "brunt" of the financial - which I think is another reason he wants to "join" your online business. So he doesn't have to do much at all, he knows you will do whatever it takes to make it a success - which is WHY I hope you really DO NOT let him "help" with the business.
You NEED him because he in a twisted way make you feel OK with yourself. And I think you have this very caring personality where you let others walk all over you (specially him) because it's your way of showing love.
I'd suggest you WORK on your self-esteem issues not through HIS approval, but through your own. IF you aren't happy with your weight - work on that. If you aren't happy about not being assertive enough, work on that, etc.
I would also suggest you STOP having a shared bank account. ONE of you (you I'd hope) will get the task of paying bills/rent/etc. He has been BUMMING of you since the day he moved in with you. To an extend he still is. WHAT do you think is the biggest reason he moved with you? Could he afford to stay where he was? no. Did he have a future in the job he held. no. Moving with you ensured him a roof over his head, someone to take care of him.
You say you love him, and maybe you do. But I think the guy you love is not real, and certainly not the guy you are living with. His actions doesn't match his words. He says things to placate you and it works. This is why he isn't putting much of an effort in. All he has to do it either pick a fight with you or tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
I'm sorry honey, I think you would do SO much better on your own. I think he is dragging you down to HIS level.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (30 September 2015):
 You need to end it, but I think you already know that. You're finding it hard to let go, because you love, or loved him. If you decide to stay... He won't change. There is nothing you can do to change him. If he was going to change, he would have done so at the start of the relationship. And here's the thing I think you are missing... you should not WANT to change him! A relationship should not be about one person trying to change the other. Either you accept his (massive) flaws or you don't. Either you change YOURSELF for someone or you don't. He will always be this way unless something really drastic happens that forces him to change - unfortunately, you cannot cause that change. It will be hard to get your self esteem back. He's worn you down, someone that is supposed to love you isn't treating you well. You'll find that if you leave, it will be so hard at first, but every day, you will feel better - and stronger. Don't worry about your weight. Don't let your weight define you, either embrace it or change it. I know that sounds easier said than done, but your weight is not who you are.Now, this is going to sound so harsh and I don't want to hurt you, but from my own experience, this is what I believe. He's treating you like this, ultimately, because he does not love you. He can say he does until he is blue in the face and beg you to stay when you say you're going, but if his behaviour doesn't match his words, then it doesn't mean anything. I've been in a relationship like this before, it sounds so, so familiar to me, from paying for everything, to having joint money inappropriately spent, to not speaking my mind for fear of starting an argument, even the relationship starting 800 miles from home, well, it was 500 for me! I know how it ends - and it is either with you being miserable, or moving on and finding happiness firstly by yourself, and then with someone else. I would say you cannot end this slowly, because he has become so dependant on you, he won't know what to do without you and will beg you to stay. If I were you, I would either move out when your lease is up (I assume you're renting?) and move back home for a while or just up and leave if your lease is up already. You are worth more than this. You do not deserve to be treated like this. If you end it, your only regret will be that you didn't do it sooner. The best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (30 September 2015):
 This is a toxic relationship. And they go in cycles of happy moments that take place within to toxicity to put doubt in your mind. It's like having mold on one end of bread and looking at the other end going: "Well, this dude isn't so bad, if I cut off the mold, I can eat this." He leeches off of you, you're basically supporting him and now, he wants in on your success. Red flag. You're sick and couldn't have sex, so porns and strippers are his answer-using your money. Sorry, not a good excuse at all. My friend went a year without sexual contact of any kind when his girlfriend was suffering from her illness. He told us later that he had worried so much over losing her, his drive went down. Everyone deals with situations differently but that was inappropriate and hurtful. If he needed release, a bottle of lotion etc would have served well enough without throwing your money at other women. And as to the birthday scenario, that was pathetic of him. He doesn't think of you as a loving man and life partner should. He thought of himself and his strippers first-so much so that he couldn't spare money on a card or a single flower. Still though, there's no excuse. He could've cooked you a special birthday meal, written you a poem or given you a birthday message-all things that wouldn't have required money. You seem like an intelligent, generous woman with so much to offer. You need a man at your side who will respect and cherish you, someone who can and will be your equal. I understand that your self esteem took a hit because of current events-I've been there too. But hon, please, for the sake of your happiness, your future and your success, leave him to his own devices and lack of ambition. Take your place in the world as the strong, driven woman you are and find the man you deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): You fell in love with his potential. Potential has nit been willing to realize in the last three years despite your support. He is unlikely to become the gentleman you want. Someone who bummed about for 8 years isn't going to suddenly care about ambition or success. He doesn't even mind not being able to pay his way!
Your hopes in him and in thus relationship are quite misplaced. You are short-changing yourself by being with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): Sounds like you are clinging to this relationship rather than be alone. 2months is very fast to move in together when you don't really know a lot about them (ie the 8 year job thing). A birthday card costs £1. He didn't have £1 spare because of spending it all on strippers and porn?! Come on girl you can do better than that!
People don't change. You get your self esteem back by dumping this bf and getting on with your life. Concentrate on your health, happiness and business. Don't look back.
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