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female
,
anonymous
writes: Im really concerned that there is no way back for me and my man. We have been together for 3 years are in our 30's and just lately all we do is argue over sex. I feel unwanted and not sexy and he says its me thats feeling that way and thats not how it is... we hardly have sex anymore, once every other week and he says it doesnt matter how often we have sex, he still loves and fancies me. I love him to death and this is killing me. The last row was pretty bad as I got all upset and he got cross as he says we have the same row every month, and that after a time of me nagging him for sex he says there is no point, and the more I go on about it the worse it is... I feel very unsexy and have told him this and have tried various ways of spicing up the sex nothing works, he now says hes at the point where hes asking himself if he actually wants the sex or is doing it as a chore as he has been nagged about it so much... How can i get it a bit more relaxed so that it becomes natural again ? It drives me insane sitting waiting for sex that never happens, when i ask for sex hes normally busy tired or something else crops up... we do have sex but few and far between and my constant bringing it up as made it a lot worse, but what was meant to be a little shove in the right direction to get him to meet me in the middle as regards to sex seems to have pushed him the other way... I am very miserable about the whole thing as im neither feeling attractive sexy or wanted... He loves and cuddles me and does the sweet little things that lovers do and generally everything is great, he will do anything for me, but i think I have done this Sex issue to death and i dont know the best way forward.. I sit there cusing at times because i know we will not have sex and its almost like now im sitting there just waiting for it so i can count the days in between to then start complaning... i want this to stop and to start a fresh, but how can i do that when hes already said he feels badgered and its obvioulsy made him feel less attractive too... How can i get the desire back and stop putting this pretense on the sex issue.. is there a way or have i pushed this to far and its too late... i fantasise all the time about sex and because im not having sex i want it all the more and its driving me crazy, i was never like this, it just seems because im not having sex as often as i like i go mad! I dont know why, i just want it to be natural again and not have to worry about it... he says that i have a low opinion of myself and thats half the problem and he cant see that he needs to make me feel sexy too and hes not doing that, how can i make this all change for the better... or is it really too late... I'm really scared that we are going to break up over this issue and thats not what I want, hes resenting me for bringing it up all the time and im resenting him for not seeing my point, I just want us to be able to meet in the middle address this and get things back how they were!Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Thanks Ariel, in the meantime though ive got to try and stop fretting about it... its real hard though as i always think oh no sex again! And its become a viscous circle and i just feel stuck and dont know how to change my mind set to relax about it and relaise that the two of us are more important than sex but i dont know how!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Hi Ariel. No there is no one else... Thats just it hes the most caring, most sensitive, go out of his way type of guy that i cant believe its come to this... your right most men would love a girl like me, so why cant he see that ? its really hard because the good far outwieghs the bad, he truly does love me and do anything for me, its just this bit so its a bit hard to so you had better have sex with me or im leaving... thats not what i want at all... i then get to thinking is it me... am i just couting the days in between sex, and thats the problem ? if so how do i change that ? I appreciate that he wouldnt want sex all the time, but he says that some times it will have ebs and flows... twice one week, none the next, maybe none the next, but then once the next... but he cant see its not like that at all the... the last time we had sex was 2 weeks ago.. and the next time i thought would be nice to have sex he was again tired and there was no time, so thats when the row happend... at the moment its sex then a week or so later a row... Ive now decided that perhaps i dont want sex at all its not worth the hassle... I do really love him and we ahve been through a lot.. i dont want to throw it away for the sake of this issue as it really seems stupid that we are not having sex... i was just looking for ways that i could maybe get it back to a more even keel without the nagging in between, i can i learn to relax about it and maybe in time it will come back.. the mad thing is he used to jump my bones all the while, there was one time when we due to go to a party and i was getting ready, he jumped me fore we got there so we were late... i want to get it back to those times but have lost the way... maybe I am putting to much focus on the sex issue to enjoy it ? But i dont know how to stop fretting about it.. so i guess the only way is to not have sex and see what happens... thanks for your help Ariel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Thanks again Ariel but I think its just doomed... The big row was because he cant see the problem... There are no erection problems, hes not stressed at work, he masterbates no problem, and when we do have sex its all okay... but its few and far between and nine times out of ten I get turned down... I have asked for him to meet me half way... ie i would like sex a couple of times a week, hes not bothered if we do or we dont, so i said how about bringing that down to once a week... and it doesnt happen... He shows me he loves me things he does. cuddles little kisses, all of that.. just doesnt have sex with me... Its lilke tonight if I were to go home get all sexy and wait in bed for him there would be a reasn why we cant have sex, either because hes not ready to go to bed, or doesnt want to have to get undressed to get dressed again... another time it was ive just had a bath, another time it will be i need a bath... he cant see that hes doing it and only seems to have sex on his terms not mine in the slightest... i have told him this but nothing changes, he still says that we dont need to have sex all the time and cant see a problem and its me... if we were to have sex once a week and on the odd occasion in between that then i wouldnt have a problem, but its gettin so sparce that im feeling unwanted even when he says that is not the case... hes not seeing that i would like to make love more and would like for HIM to make me feel sexy, but he thinks it lies with me and that I have to feel sexy myself... I do feel sexy but not by him... its getting now though that im tired of no sex life and im scared... i dont want to walk out on him but i cant handle not having a sex life either... all he can say is sex is not the bee all and end all... i know that but some sex would be nice for him to suddenly tell me how horny i make him again would be a start...we used to have sex all the time and now he simply cant be bothered... if he wants to get his rocks off he bashes one out and then just tells me it was because i wasnt there at the time... doesnt matter the times i am though, hes not horny then is he... oh no... so how can he tell me he fancies me when there is no action around this,. he says if he didnt want me didnt desire or want me he wouldnt be with me... i just think hes got so lazy about it that he cant be arsed then i went on about it which makes it even worse and we end up NOT having a sex!! seee the pattern, he tells me no all the while... i get down and tell him about it... he gets cross... nothing gets fixed as he says its all okay and in my head! All i want is for it naturally to fall back to how it was and for him to see that an effort needs to be made and im that i really am feeling unattractive.. hes saying that the row is now boring and its getting ridiculous, but hes not doing anything to change it.. then tells me neither am i so i iniate sex and try and make it fun and flirty and then get told no!!! its now where i have lost confidence to do some things i used to do for fear of looking silly when he says no.. like when i dressed up for him in a two piece basque and thing... and sat waiting for him, he just walked past me.. it hurt like hell, he did apologise and we moved on but because of that im too scared to do more like that as he said he doesnt really do underwear... ive sat watching porn before in just french knickers ready for when he came home, rather than just jump me, he was like oh im a bit tired but i suspect you want sex... i thought it was a nice thing to have done sat all sexy for him, we did have sex, but it was like oh its on a plate best take it... i dont know what else to do, seems whatever I try and do it doesnt work... it hurts like hell that i cant get it all back he says there is NO problem that he cant see a problem and its me... so i just dont know why we are not having sex... so what the hell am i supposed to do ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Thanks Ariel, But again, we are very cuddling as a couple, always holding hands, always kissing, always cuddle of an evening, always do the little things for one another... so its not the need for loving each other thats already there, its the intimacy side. Its not actually the sex i want, its the two of us making love but he cant see that... i dont know how to make him see it, and yes as far as spontinaiety goes there isnt any and thats what im getting at... im not saying we have to have sex when we go to bed, im saying there is no window for it anytime and i dont kwno how to get it back... ive tried all sorts and we are very cuddling all the while, we just are not having sex and im feeling very very very dwon about this as he cant see that i just want to be intimate that way, show that we love each other in that way, its not about the sex, i want to feel desired wanted and ravaged! But its no sex, its the whole thing and i dont know where to begin and its really making me depressed so much so that its now affecting other parts of my life, im not happy im always feeling down and i dont know what to do... I know he loves me more than life, but why cant he see how this is making me feel, he just blames me and says its in my head, its not in my head, or surely we would be having sex ?? There is no sudden grab of one another to then make love i really am losing heart and dont know what to do...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Thanks to those that replied, but I have tried all of what tine has said... The mornings apparently he feels rank.. so doesnt feel like it and we surface at different times.. ive left it like a month before saying anything about it or acting and still nothing.. The dressing up ready for when he comes home, tried that before and he told me he had such a bad day that he wasnt in the mood... All im asking is that we but aside time for sex together and he says there is not an issue.. so im really lost... perhaps I have to accept it and just carry on feeling this way... whenever i do say anything to him he says its me and that we do have sex just dont need it everyday! Imnot asking for that but some of the time would be nice.. its really getting me down now.. we dont go to bed together so no sex there, he tells me he feels rank in the am, so no sex there, the rest of the time we are at work.. so he says we have the weekends, well we clearly dont or I wouldnt be on here! At the weekends thers always something else to do, shopping houswork etc... he says that we have to do all these things and cant let sex take over yes we do have sex, but once or so a month is hardly great sex is it ? May as well give up then..... am really fed up all I want is a sex life with the man i love, but he cant see that and just sees me as a nag... why cant he be like other men that would kill to have a partner want sex all the time ? what is up these days ? I really dont get it, i am very willing to have sex any which way and hes not interested ? Do men just go off sex for a while because its there ? Do men not really care about sex anymore ?
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A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 first of all it is never too late in a relationship to spice things up or even start a fresh. If he always saying that he is too tired then why not ttry it on in the morning? He hasnt an excuse then because he is just awake. There are endless things to try to liven up your sex life, how about booking yourselves a weekendaway somewhere in a hotel. Buying a few items of sexy lingerie and waiting for him whenever he comes in from work. Or even go that step further and buy him a raunchy dvd to watch together, then try out some of the moves that you have just seen. i know that you have your needs, every woman does, but have you actually tried giving him the space that he wants and not mentioning sex for a week or so? If he feels its like a chore then you need to step up the game, what about buyign yourself a sex book they have great tips on how to drop sublte hints and get your man in the mood
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): you're never too late unless you feel you're too old!
You may not believe it but apparently alot of people in their 60's still have sexual moments in their relationships, and alot of late-40's early 50's are shagging like they have for the last few decades! You are not past it yet, trust me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): I posted the question thanks Juliette, But im not an addict, he can masterbate, and assures me that he has a higher sex drive than me! it all started with me simply asking for sex more than once every two weeks. So consequently we have gone round in circles for the last few months me saying i would like sex with him and him saying its not the bee all and end all...all im asking is that he pay me some attention sexually, but its got to where i cant even mention now as he feels hes being nagged and feels its a chore.. its not that he doesnt want sex, its just always the wrong time! He doesnt put any time aside to have sex, we go to bed at different times and when i have asked him to come to bed at the same time as me he says hes not tired! Its almost like he now cant be bothered as he feels he gets nagged anyway, the sex was always excellent and he doesnt see a problem, so how can i just get him to want me! He says he does but how can I get him to show me he wants me more often!! without actually coming out and saying oi give us a shag! I dont feel sex once a week is too much to ask for is it ? I fancy him always have done, but the more he remains stubborn and doesnt see the problem that he thinks is in my head i feel lost alone and miserable.. i am on the verge of splitting up as its really hurting me that ive got this far and he doesnt understand.. that is so hard to do though as i love him so very very much and would do anything for him and he for me... everything else is totally ace we are soulmates, its just the sex thing... he feels pressured, and i feel unattractive.. how can we get it to a normal even keel ? like other couples... other couples must have sex more than twice a month surely ?
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (16 August 2006):
 I think you would both benefit from professional counselling and your GP should be able to access this for you, or you can pay through Relate, a marriage counselling organisation who have sex therapists. It sounds very complicated and delicate and short term advice without exploring why you feel unattractive or his low sex drive may do more damage.
I'll try to give an opinion but you must be wary that you have many issues that I may be unaware of such as weight, sex addiction, lack of testosterone in men.
If you have a much higher sex drive than him than you may get relief from masturbation and give him some breathing space for a couple of weeks or so. If you really cannot wait that long then sex addiction is a possibility and there is a sex addction website that can tell you what symptoms to look for. www.sexual-addiction.co.uk
If he thinks you are always the one to initiate it he may feel the need in the break to come to you. The other thing is, he may need his hormones checking as there may be a physical reason why does not need sex. Testosterone can be low in some men and that could account for him not being bothered whether he has it or not.
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