A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This page has been so helpful to me before so thought id ask again.Do you think this relationship is salvageable?We started off as friends, friends for 2 years, then got together. Bexause we had been friends we knew so much about each other all though this wasn't a good thing as he'd told me intimate things about him and his partners which when we got into a relationship I couldn't help but think about and compare. We had one big circle of friends and also our families liked each other.Within 2 years, despite claiming to be besotted by me he was messaging other girls and meeting up with an old ex (one who id heard all about) but claims he was never intimate with anyone else so I forgave him. I also found pics of him and this ex hidden on his phone that he claimed to 'accidentally forgot to delete'I said I didn't want him seeing this woman anymore so he stopped but then his friends turned against me as she was part of their friendship group so for him to stop seeing her pretty much meant him not seeing them as much. So now all his friends hate me. His parents also dislike me because of things he's told them, untruths I might add, to cover for himself when we've argued. Bexause of the way he's treated me a lot of my friends dislike him and my family absolutely can't stand him.I do love him though and feel he loves me - in fact he's desperate to make the relationship work. I just feel like we've lost all that was special in it. Is there any hope or is it time to move on?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 You know what you guys mistake was?: Getting family and friends involved and up to speed with every step of the relationship. You must never tell parents and friends of all your problems in your relationships because obviously, them knowing you longer than knowing your partner, they will side with you every step of the way. This is what his friends and family are doing with him and it's also what your friends and family are doing with you. Ever heard that a relationships is for 2? Keep it that way. Of course he will defend himself when it comes to his family and of course they will believe him. Don't ever involve other people in your relationship. That's what started the ball rolling here. You've notified your corner of what he'd done, he notified his corner of what you done (lie or not, it's not the point I'm trying to make) and now everyone hates each other because his corner doesn't like you for all that you've said and yours doesn't like him for all he's said. Want the truth? You two, no-one but you two have in fact ruined your own relationship by running back to everyone in your respective corners with information on the other person you're in the relationship with. Of course your family will discourage you sometimes from being with him and his will do the same when it comes to him and that's because it's what families do, protect each other. According to them you're the bad one and according to your family he is the bad one. Why I keep using the word corner is because you two have turned it into a hypothetical boxing match which each family wants their child to win. You two have helped turn your own families against your partner that you in fact want to be with regardless of the fighting but all your family will remember is the things they were given sight into knowing. If you want to save your relationship, stop the insecurity, trust more, be more truthful and leave family and friends out of it, that goes for the both of you. You guys cannot be bashing each other and painting the others name black to family and friends then when you forgive each other, run back into each others arms and expect the rest of your family and friends to also forgive and stand with open arms . . . It doesn't work that way. They will forever remember what they were told. Leave everyone out of it and restrict the relationship to include the two people it was always meant to involve: you and your partner. If you do this, you just may be able to save your relationship and if you can't then it may just be around about that time you two should go your separate ways. Good luck.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 July 2014):
 I don't like it when friends and family have so much influence on who dates who. They may all think that his last relationship was perfect, if only you did not show up in his life. Your relationship is too crowded. I don't feel he is too desperate to make the relationship work. More like, he's used to be around people, having support, and he is desperate to avoid feeling lonely again. A man who wants to make it work will make you feel special, straighten things out with his parents. Make a new group of friends, which will take time but in the mean time focus on you. His upbringing shaped him to be dependent on other people's approval. His ego strength is so weak that he can't stand up for you. When you ask if this relationship is salvageable, it implies that it is somehow up to fate, or you need some outside intervention to help you. When in fact, your boyfriend has to do more than just wait for his family and friends to just magically accept you. He needs to know that his family's negative opinion of you is his own doing. There is a lot of tribal mentality here, which is being comfortable with status quo and the familiar and being discriminating and fearful of the new, and the outsiders. They are just being distrustful, challenging or testing you whatever. Being civil and impartial is a great virtue that not everybody including older people have mastered.
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