A
female
age
41-50,
*enguinlover
writes:This question may end up a little long winded, and I apologize up front for this: but I am desperate!I have been with the same man for a little over 10 years, have been married to him for almost 5 of them. Somewhere along the road over the last few years, things have started to go south. I actually tried to leave about 2 years ago, but the guilt he made me feel caused me to stay against my better judgement at the time. I am not happy. He isn't abusive or anything like that, it just seems the love is gone.He says things to me that I find offensive, and even though I have told him how his comments make me feel, he just says I have no sense of humor and continues to make the remarks. I don't feel respected by him anymore, and the emotional connection is gone, at least for me. The thought of physical contact with him makes my skin crawl, which I think is a symptom of the emotional disconnect.We fortunately don't have any children together,but I do have a daughter from a previous relationship that he has raised as his own since she was 2. She understands that there are problems with our relationship as we have talked about this. She is almost 13, and I believe is adult enough to handle the truth. She realizes that we may be leaving soon and is okay with that. She loves him, but I think is tired of the way our homelife is and is ready for a change, so that isn't an issue.I have talked to my husband about counselling, but he is adamant that it is not a route he is willing to take. He is very clear that he will NOT go to counselling with me.My question is this: how do I get the love back? Is this relationship too far gone? Is the emotional disconnect on my part a huge flashing neon sign to just cut my losses and leave? Now, even when he is nice, I just can't accept the niceness and move on, I have to read something into it and wonder WHY he is being nice? Is it a headgame to make me stay when he so clearly sees that I want to go? HELP!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): You say there's no abuse but then go on to say in so many words that he's psychologically abusive...that's what you describe when you say that he says things to offend you then doesn't stop when you tell him how you feel about it. Then the guilt he heaps on you when you want to leave is more of the same, it's like he's saying, "stay with me or YOU'RE the bad guy". No, he's the bad guy and he's manipulating you because he doesn't want to change, if he were sincere he'd go to counseling...and not just go but participate and work on change. The reason you can't accept his niceness is that your gut is telling you it's not sincere, it's just more manipulation to make you stay. Yes, people use "nice" as a tool to get what they want and only that. Read this article and see if you recognize any of his behavior:
http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html
You don't have to stay in a situation where you're being psychologically abused, you are not wrong to demand a change or get the heck away from it. Your daughter sees the problems, don't teach her that women just ignore it and blame themselves. Good luck!
A
female
reader, penguinlover +, writes (10 March 2008):
penguinlover is verified as being by the original poster of the question Both very good responses, and be assured that I will take this advice to heart. I am just at such a loss right now. Sometimes I feel I am staying more out of comfort and fear of starting over than actual love. I know he still loves me, or at least, he says he does. But if he loves me, why does he continue to say hurtful things when I have asked him to stop? Why does he still think everything is great, when I clearly dont?? Guys point of view on this please!!!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 The marital boat takes two people to row. Your husband isn't rowing if he is refusing to change the behavior that is causing you pain, and he isn't rowing if he's not willing to get counseling to help the both of you grow together, not apart. Therefore my dear, I believe you are in a sinking boat. The question is, how long will you remain on this raft before you swim to shore?....Why not try a trial separation and see if that wakes him up. Plus it'll seem less drastic than a full blown divorce and give you both time to process the next step. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Firstly I would suggest that it is highly possible that you have a normal but stale relationship now after 10 years. So what ever he is or is not doing at the moment, whilst you are feeling flat, will agravate you and be more annoying that before, - like his teasing or remarks. So work out more about how bad it all is and what would perhaps make it better. If anything.
You have asked how you get the love back, which indicates that you would perhaps like it back! His opinions or refusal to go to couselling is going to make it almost impossible. Perhaps he is not taking you seriously and leave things too late to change his mind. I think you may wish to remind him of this. Perhaps something like this;
"Dear, I am not very happy with things and life at the moment and am thinking seriously about making some drastic changes, which will involve you! I am just double checking that you are still not prepared to get some guidance or address these problems with me with perhaps some couselling, before I make plans to leave you"
If he has been playing mind games with you and showed no concern or attention to your troubles, then he will need to face the fact that you are now no longer playing the waiting game for him to get with the program! The niggle that someone is just seeing how far they can push things, is not a very pleasant thing to have to live with constantly. Test all of his words and actions to assess his level of care and attention. Tell him that you are starting to be concerned that he is not realising that he is about to loose you if he doesn't take this seriously.
This is a big decision and needs time for careful consideration. I think sometimes we have an easier job if we make sure that we have made the best decision we can with ALL of the information and considerations. Just make sure he really does understand totally that he is buggering this up. If you have not communicated that fully, i.e - the consequences, he may still be floundering in the dark thinking he is doing a good job! All the best and take care.
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